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Married with Children...and gay weekends.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Atreu, Jul 14, 2018.

  1. Atreu

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    I'm reposting this from the intro / welcome section. I think this area is more relevant for me.

    Hello,

    This is not my first time using EC. I was frequenting the site about 8 years ago when I was getting serious with my then GF and now wife. I'm not really sure what my status, or orientation is; I thought I was gay for a while in my early 20's then I was sure I was Bi, then gay again. My life has followed a pattern when it comes to my sexuality: I like boys, then when I get too close to one I freak out and go to girls. I date a girl for a long time, then we break up because I'm thinking about boys (or sleeping with one.) I've never let myself get close or have a real, meaningful relationship with a man.

    I'm 37. I've been married to my wife for almost 5 years and we have two kids (who I LOVE more than anything,) I've never cheated on her but last weekend I spent the night in Toronto for work and found myself at a bar in the gay village getting drunk and watching a drag show. That's another part of the pattern. I have almost always been drinking when I hook up with guys. I ended up getting chatted up by a really handsome and charming man who worked there. We didn't "hook up" but we talked all night, held hands, he wrapped his arms around me outside the bar and bought me a flower... It was lovely only I knew that it was just make believe. In the morning I would go home and try to forget about it. We exchanged numbers and he asked to see me again. I messaged him back and told him the truth: that I was married and on the down low... then I blocked his number. I felt terrible. I FEEL terrible.

    I've been pretty open with some of my closest friends, I think most just think I'm fluid and don't think about.
    My wife knows I like boys and that I've "dated" some. She's encouraged me to be more open about it and take a "gay weekend" as she calls them. I don't know how to do that. What I think I want is to really, finally have a relationship with another man, without getting drunk and without it being a secret.

    I'm also pretty afraid of my relationship changing with my kids. I really want them to have a good stable home with two parents (something I didn't have.)

    Ok! That's my story. I'm done barfing now.

    Craig.
     
  2. justaguyinsf

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    Two thoughts. First, I doubt you could just fall into a relationship with another man, given your history and now having a family; having some warm moments with a guy you met in a gay bar is not a realistic gauge of whether you'll be able to find and sustain a relationship with another man. It's definitely doable, but there will probably be hits and misses and it probably won't be like you're fantasizing it will be at this point. Second, I think you're wise to be afraid that your relationship with your kids will change if you go out to find a relationship with a man ... it seems inevitable that will happen.
     
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  3. Atreu

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    It does seem inevetable to me as well. Suppose I'm hoping for some magic to happen.

    I'm also aware that I will be coming with a whole lot of baggage and that probably isnt super attractive to a lot of out men my age .
     
  4. justaguyinsf

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    I think the first point would probably be inevitable. And my second point was not so much that you would not be attractive even with your "baggage," for lack of a better word, to every other man. It was more just to point out that the grass isn't always greener, and having been married myself and also on this board for a while now it seems pretty normal for guys (and probably women as well) to go through a period of reassessing their marriages and the choices not taken after they've been married for several years and had a couple of kids. But having done both ... the hetero marriage and the gay-male "lifestyle" ... I always counsel guys to really think soberly and do some research about what they would be getting themselves into if they left their wives rather than idealizing the sexual/romantic possibilities or convincing themselves that they can't be "real" without coming out and ending their marriages. For some that's true, but I think a lot of guys would ultimately be happier staying in their marriages if they are working reasonably well and their spouses and kids seem satisfied.
     
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  5. TrevinMichael

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    I have a wife and a close male friend. It is just the way it is for now.

    We sometimes have to figure out what is right for us. This is what works for me.
     
  6. Atreu

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    I started texting with they guy I met when I was out the other weekend. I told him that I'm married and on the down low. He said he understands and that he'd like to be friends and that he'd be down to help me figure my shit out. He's been texting me a lot. Putting lots of little heart emojis in his messages. Not sure how to read the situation, but I like the attention. I'm also worried that I'll get caught texting with him. Feeling all the feels.
     
  7. JClay

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    Thanks for keeping us updated. I’m wondering what you’ll do if your wife finds out you’re texting the guy. I can imagine the attention must be great, but do you think you’d tell your wife about it before hooking up? Sounds like she may be open to it?
     
  8. Camel

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    I'm no relationship expert, but it seems to me you are in danger of losing something valuable in pursuit of a fantasy.

    The fact that alcohol is always involved is significant. I'm the same. I need drinks to lower my inhibitions enough to do anything with another guy. But when we are drunk we often act unwisely.