Can lack of affection lead to a spike in bi/gay feelings?

Danabutton

I can totally relate to this! What attracts me most to a guy is if they want me.

In my case, I think it comes from a need to be accepted by other males. I was a lonely child even with lots of younger siblings and never felt accepted. I longed to be one of the guys. Sometimes my attractions to men get entwined with this need.

I found that men find me attractive and it is intoxicating.

 

Lol

Then, I'm a mess too. I've even been Intimate with guys because they want me even if I am not attracted to them.

I thought it was about exploring and finding out what I am attracted to. But, it's not. It's feeding my low self esteem.

You can learn to work around it. I'm working hard to develop platonic friendships with men and being very selective with who i share intimacy with.

 

In a way I tho k you guys are lucky to a degree. I wish more people found me attractive. As far as I know, no man has ever hit on me. A few women, but no men Or I could just be oblivious, who knows

 

I don't hit on super hot guys! Maybe you're too good looking!

 

No I don’t think so It’s probably better this way. I may not have the best impulse control. I don’t want to turn into a slut

 

Danabutton

It may be that we are seeking that approval and that is part of the reason we are getting it!

I was a pretty extreme athlete up until I hurt my back skiing at 56. I had put a lot of my self worth into my physical prowess and fitness. I felt I went from stud to dud overnight.

My psyche did, but it took awhile for my body to follow. I, desperately, was seeking affirmation that I still "had it". In the course of a few weeks, two guys and two women propositioned me plus a husband and wife. Wow! That had never happened before...maybe a couple women way back.

I am sure I was putting out signals subconsciously. Maybe you are doing the same?

Or, Is it possible this is also a way of rejecting our same sex attractions. We can get it and we turn it down?

I've wondered if I do that.

 

At 21, I had an opportunity to deliver a sailboat to Hawaii with this hot guy. Completely my type. He's the guy who one late night told me he was bisexual and it was the coolest thing ever. I had never told him about me but he could tell. I often regret not doing that trip and the sexual exploration that would have been a part of it.

But, this was 1980. My junior high boyfriend eventually got HIV at a time most died...he didn't. He looks like he's been through a war though having lost so many friends.

Life cannot be about regrets. I'm learning at 59 how to embrace the gay side of my sexuality. I make mistakes, and I am learning some things about myself I didn't know and building on the good and trying to fix the bad.

I've got more than a decade on you. You still have a life to live.

 

A lot of things look different in. hindsight. I had no idea at the time, but looking back now I realize a friend of mine was hitting on me when I was in my 20s. I was completely oblivious. It wasn’t obvious I guess. At the time I didn’t even know I was bi, but I suspect I would have been intimate with him if he had just asked. Not sure how life would have turned out then. It’s probably better this way

 

Danabutton

I was where you are, sort of...each of us is different...a couple years ago.

There were several things I decided about myself. The first was that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my wife. Secondly, the only way that was going to work was to be completely honest with her. And, finally, my same SSA are a part of me and I better start nurturing them in some way.

These can be at odds with each other. Had my wife not accepted my SSA, I would have had to continue to hide them. Had I not embraced them I would continue to live a lie. If I had lost my wife because of this I would be devastated.

We each need to decide this for ourselves. But, it appears that you are missing a part of your life as I was.

I will say this. You, likely, won't resolve the issue of your SSA. When we awaken to them at middle age they are not easily put away. So, we have to come to terms with how they will affect our lives going forward and make the best of it for ourselves and those we love.

 

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think some of my attraction to gay sex is that I perceive it as kinky. It isn’t “normal” and that’s what I like about it. I don’t like to be like everyone else. And yes, I know there is nothing freakish about gay sex. I’m just trying to explain my attraction to it not judging anyone. There are many “kinky” activities I like to do with women as well. I’m
Afraid. I didn’t word this right, so if I’ve angered anyone, I apologize in advance