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Something my son said

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Fidget, Jul 2, 2018.

  1. Fidget

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    My ex-wife took my kids to the kid-friendly part of the Pride Festival. Not sure if it’s related to her suspicions about me or what. Maybe she just decided she wants them to know about this stuff. Who knows. Anyway, they know more about lgbt stuff now than they did before.


    Since I got divorced, my mother has been wanting me to remarry (a woman obvs). She has been actively seeking potential new wives for me. (I know... weird... my mom is weird). We met her for lunch and she brought one of these women with her and acted like she was chaperoning our date. It was very awkward.


    When the woman left, my mom asked my kids if they want me to remarry.


    My daughter said “Well you have to KNOW the person you marry...” (yes you do! Good girl!)


    My son said “So Dad could marry Bob”


    “Bob” being a pseudonym for my very close friend that I maybe kinda fancy and who definitely fancies me. Umm


    My kids all thought this was an amusing thought and were like “Yeah! You should because then we could play in his pool all the time!”, and stuff like that.


    Meanwhile I actually felt like I was going to die. My mom was horrified and told them I absolutely could not because men don’t marry men. Even amidst my panic attack I did correct that info, and told them men can marry men but not everyone (like grandma) agrees with it. And I told them either way, I don’t want to get remarried (true).


    I don’t know if it was just a random thing since Bob is someone I know like my daughter said it should be, or if my son actually “suspects” something with me and Bob. He’s pretty young so I’m thinking random. I’m hoping random. I had a really anxious day following this as I didn’t think my kids had any idea. Maybe they still don’t.


    Kids say the darndest things.......
     
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  2. quebec

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    Fidget.....Hello and welcome to empty closets! Kids know a lot more about LGBTQ things today than we often give them credit for. They are growing up in a society that no longer tries to sweep anything "gay" under the rug. That's a really good thing. Kids growing up thinking that it's more important that you care for/love the person who you marry/love/date than it is for them to be of the opposite sex is the way things should be. Don't be too worried about your kids suspecting that you aren't straight. After all if they figure it out for themselves, you'll not need to come out to them in the traditional, anxiety filled way. You would just be confirming a small detail that they already know!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  3. brainwashed

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    At 6 or 7 I basically called my mom a simpleton. The words just flew out of my mouth after I asked her for help with a problem. (words changed a bit in the this post to protect privacy) She was floored at the time.

    Now that I have pretty much reconstructed time line and events to her negative influence on me when 14-16, the impact on me, basically me labeling it young adult (teen) abuse, the word simpleton fits perfectly. Why does the word simpleton fit perfectly? Because I now firmly believe she had no clue she was negatively impacting me - quite a common scenario for abuser's during child / young adult abuse.

    So I will argue, kids sense things subconsciously, their conscious may not have ability to process yet.
     
    #3 brainwashed, Jul 2, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2018
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  4. Fidget

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    Yes I guess it could be good that my kids are aware of things like that and they don’t even really view it as a “big deal”. When my son said it, the fact that he was talking about another man was not the point. So that’s kind of cool.

    But I don’t want them to have to deal with that kind of stuff. I just got divorced this year. I want them to be able to adjust to that first etc. And I decided this is definitely not a coincidence or anything ... it’s my fault, plain and simple.

    So I told my friend that we can’t hang out anymore. This has been far more devastating than the end of my marriage. Horrible but true. I have a group of friends and if I’m not hanging out with one of them, im not really hanging out with any of them. So it’s been extremely lonely. I feel like I am spiraling into a dark place which obviously isn’t good for my kids either. I feel like there is no good option and I’m drowning in regret and shame etc.
     
  5. DreamerAsh

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    You shouldn't have to drown in shame. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to distance yourself from your friends. You can always hang out with Bob when your kids aren't around, if it makes you that self conscious. Maybe it's not the greatest thing, your kids suspecting something like that. But, it's not the worst thing ever. You'll come out to them when your older right? So, let them have their thoughts and when you do tell them, they won't be surprised. They'll have had time to think over this and it won't be such a shock to them. At their age anyhow they don't fully comprehend the idea anyways, they're just mulling the new idea in their head. Though on some level they may understand it.
    Also, I'm not so surprised they came to that conclusion themselves. My aunt was in a similar predicament. All her kids including me (her kids cousin) knew at the time. She thought she was hiding it all well, but she really wasn't. And I kinda wish she had been braver to tell us flat out. She wound up rejecting who she was, because she considered it shameful. Don't let that happen to you. Be true to yourself. Wishing you luck on your journey~
     
  6. Hillary B

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    A good discussion here. I'd just say that children are more innocent, and more knowing, than we give them credit sometimes. Long may it remain so...
     
    #6 Hillary B, Jul 14, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
  7. angeluscrzy

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    One thing you may wanna consider is your demeanor when you're around your friend.
    If isolating yourself from your friends makes you that lonely and depressed feeling, don't you think that will have a negative impact on your interactions with your children?
    They may not fully understand everything, but they will surely sense your despair to at least some extent.
    Honestly, I'm sure they'd much prefer to see you happy and surrounding yourself with people that help to lift you up.
     
    #7 angeluscrzy, Jul 14, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
  8. PatrickUK

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    It's obviously your choice how you handle all of this, but I think you have gone into panic mode and made a very rash decision on the back of all of that.

    What is it that you don't want your kids to deal with? What exactly are you trying to protect them from? It sounds like they are pretty switched on and don't need protecting from anything. Maybe your ex-wife's decision to take them to Pride has had the effect of broadening their minds, so they can see different possibilities for both of you. It's just possible that they may be saying the same things now about your ex-wife (that she could potentially date a woman in future). Have you considered that? Pride invites kids to ask questions about human relationships and learn what is possible and that's a very good thing. The fact that their comments to your mother came after they'd been to this event is more telling than all of the panic you've gotten yourself into.
     
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  9. brainwashed

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    Great point. Thanks PatrickUK
     
  10. Fidget

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    Thanks everyone.
    Well I’ve been trying to make a good summer for my kids (we’re together all day because I’m off work during the summer)- I’ve been making sure we have fun activities everyday and stuff. I’m trying to make up for my bad mental state. But that’s where the lack of good options comes in ... I can either continue as normal and subject my kids to this stuff or I can do what I’m doing now and be depressed. Another option would be to fix myself so I’m not depressed about losing my friends (including one very important friend) with a psychologist so I guess that’s what I need to do.


    Yeah it was a rash decision. And I don’t even really know what I don’t want to subject them to. I didn’t want to date so soon because I don’t want to take my focus away from them etc. But I wasn’t dating. So I don’t know. I originally thought maybe it was just a coincidence due to pride etc but then I talked myself out of that because of who he mentioned specifically. I know lots of men, and he picked one of them... presumably for a reason.
     
  11. Lexa

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    Could it be that you panicked because it made you realize you feel more than friendship for Bob? I mean, I did this too at some point in my life, I had this really good friend, I stayed with her and her family, we had a great weekend together, and then on monday morning when her husband and son were gone and I was almost ready to go, she almost fell, and I didn't help her, and I really wanted to, but I couldn't, because at that point I knew that if I touched her, I would probably try to kiss her... I totally panicked, couldn't get out of the apartment quickly enough and left. I saw her once again, when she and her family came to visit me and my BF, but after that I just pushed her away. I knew I couldn't be staying with her in her apartment ever again... But Bob doesn't seem to have a family so perhaps you should reconsider your decision. Your children will be happier if you are happy.
     
    #11 Lexa, Jul 14, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
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  12. PatrickUK

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    Couldn't agree more. Don't get too wrapped up in the fact that your son mentioned Bob by name. I think the panic and anxiety is causing you to overreact to what was probably an innocent remark. Cutting yourself off from your friends is not the way to go and will only worsen your situation.
     
  13. ken867

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    I wouldn't stop hanging out with your friend. Your kids are clearly accepting of the LGBTQ community and as kids probably don't understand the details of relationships. Perhaps maybe you just need some time before dating again. If you like this man, why not at least explain to him why you cant hang out anymore. Perhaps he will understand and if he really does like you will wait until your ready to play the field again. Even if you develop a relationship you don't have to get remarried. Don't push someone who clearly cares about you away. Best of luck to you, hope everything works out in the end!
     
  14. arturoenrico

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    Hi Fidget,
    You don't mention how old your kids are but these days, in my experience, in most places, the kids are far less uptight about sexuality, gender identity, etc., etc. My kids were 17 and 20 when I told them I was gay and they were totally accepting. My daughter was, and continues to be, 5 years later, upset about the fracturing of the family.

    Now the mother is a different matter. I was never close to her; she is a cold and unsupportive person with a narrow world view. She just turned 90 last week. I tell her nothing as it would only distress her and give me nothing but stress.

    Good luck!
     
  15. Fidget

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    Yes I think I love him actually... it is terrifying. He does have a family though. We met through our kids’ activities, we would hang out in the waiting room lol. He started off as one of my “parent friends”. We’ve been friends for about 5 years now. He is “special” to me for sure.


    I did tell him why I don’t want to hang out anymore because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me or anything. He understood although he disagreed with my decision. He wanted to talk about how we could increase our “boundaries” to make us seem even less romantic, but I was freaking out so I said no. He texted me after I told him that he will be around if/when I change my mind. He is really too kind and understanding. Goddamnit. I feel really bad ditching him like that too since I know he likes to talk to me as well. It’s a tough situation because there are so many people’s “best interests” to consider. The kids have to come first always and I guess I’m thinking the best thing is for me to just stop all of this. Of course it’s tempting to take it back (hopefully before it’s too late) because that’s what *I* want..
     
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  16. ken867

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    As important that it is for you to put your kids first, there's nothing wrong with putting yourself first once in a while. It seems to me that your kids just want you to be happy and are completely understanding and accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. Don't let this man be the one who got away. If you aren't happy, what kind of example would that be setting for your kids? You need to be happy so your kids can be happy. I don't see why you being in a romantic relationship with him would negatively affect your kids lives so I say give it a go. You deserve to be happy. don't wait until its too late.
     
  17. Northern guy

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    Please don’t isolate yourself from friends . Bob sounds like a wonderfully understanding and true friend . You need friends and time for yourself as well as for your kids . They’ll grow up and want to be with their own friends, why shouldn’t you .
     
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  18. beenthrdonetht

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    You know how you want your kids to be happy? How their well-being is more important to you than anything else? Well that's how they feel about you too, and they may have been deliberately, or inadvertently making this point when they "suggested" you marry Bob. I agree with the above posters that kids (bless them) are farther along on this than their elders. I see it all the time in the students I teach. Let your kids teach you a lesson.
     
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  19. Cool Bananas

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    Sounds like Bob comes with benefits for you and your children, you mention that Bob had a pool.
    I think when children are young they probably don't understand about the men and woman get married but when young are happy to spend more time with friends of the same sex. So after going to the pride event the children are probably know about different type of relationships.
    Better talk to Bob and I am sure your children will enjoy the pool.
     
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  20. mnguy

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    Yea he has a pool, get with that guy! Seriously though, from what I read sounds like you should hang out with Bob more if you like him. Maybe I missed it, but is he out to you and others? Be friends and see where it goes over time. Marriage is a long way off if ever so don't worry about that. Having a good friend is always a good thing. I wish you the best and take care!
     
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