I'm worried about Fresher's.

So, I will be going into my first official University year in September after finally completing my foundation course.

Before studies begin, the University will be hosting various events for Fresher's. A part of me wants to go, but I am also worried that I will become overwhelmed and lose control.

I am claustrophobic and also hypersensitive, so it's possible that going to such events will cause me to freak out. However, I have been able to mange similar things in the past so maybe I will be fine, but I have also had moments where I have broken down in public and that concerns me.

Yet on the other hand I don't wanna feel as if I am missing out, and it could be fine. Ugh. Why can't I just be normal? I wish I didn't have sensory issues, people think that I'm just being difficult on purpose but I'm not.

Shame there aren't more events in calmer settings. I always feel like I am taking a risk when I go to a big event. At least I can always stay in the toilets if it becomes too much. *Sighs*

 

Thank you for all your replies.

Whilst this sounds good in theory, it's not so easy to achieve in reality. The majority of events advertised are quite the opposite of the two, so most likely I would probably have to do some serious digging to find anything at all.

I should probably clarify that the only thing I'm diagnosed with is asthma. Just thought I'd mention that since some of you may be under the impression that I have some other kind of diagnosis. I've have more standardised/ general tests done by educators to measure my cognitive ability, such as one on visual processing, but never for specific disabilities or disorders.

However, I do suspect some kind of visual processing disorder or dyscalculia. Especially due to the fact that I scored in the 1st percentile (99% of test takers scored better than me) twice on tests measuring my visual processing abilities, so it seems likely that there is perhaps something going on.

In regards to my sensitivity and skittish behaviour, yet again I don't have any sort of diagnosis to explain that. For all I know, I'm just a highly sensitive person that has problems with crowds due to negative experiences, and a predisposition to an anxious personality. During my childhood I had selective mutism which was quite severe, not only did I stop verbally communicating at school but I also refrained from using any written communication, and showed little to no body language. I remained this way for just under a year.

My teachers referred me to speech therapy, and over the course of my time at school I had three different speech therapists. It was thought that my unwillingness to speak in most social situations was due to my insecurity over my stutter and slight lisp. Since I was quite young, I don't remember many of my experiences with speech therapy, and I only really have my family's word and teacher's notes to base my thoughts on.

After my time in speech therapy, understandably the change wasn't overnight. I didn't suddenly become outgoing and the life of the party. Unfortunately, I made some rather silly social mistakes since I fell behind in that department due to essentially missing a year of social interaction. But I soon managed to catch up and make a group of friends. However, I was frequently known as the shy, quiet one. I also fell behind academically due to my initial resistance to write, but later developed a passion for creating stories.

Sadly, just when I was starting to do well socially, I ran into emotionally abusive and negligent staff members that caused me to develop emotional issues as a result. One school counsellor in particular told me that I was stupid, incapable of learning, worthless, and that I would never amount to anything in life whilst she was having a mental breakdown in front of me. It was not uncommon for the school to be left unattended during lunch hours, and I was often left in the position of having to look after the younger years whilst the teachers left us alone. So I was under a lot of stress trying to manage it all and make sure no one got hurt. I also didn't receive any sympathy when I informed my teacher that I was getting physically and psychologically bullied, she just told me to toughen up and take it.

As a result, I found it difficult to confide in others about my emotions, and often felt like I had to go through everything alone. I should never have been expected to deal with the things I dealt with during Primary school. Sorry, I realise that I'm going a little off track here. The point I'm trying to make is that I have dealt with anxiety for a long time now, at one point I couldn't look teachers in the eyes because I was constantly subconsciously afraid of accidentally pushing them over the edge because I blamed myself for what happened with my counsellor.

I have made considerable strides since then, and it's something that I consistently work at. However, I still have moments where I freeze up and start stuttering but they are becoming less and less with time. I'm now putting more effort into initiating conversations, previously I could rely on others handling the talking to get through social situations, but I seem to attract people that are also shy and anxious so these days I have to start the conversation otherwise everyone in the group would just never talk to one another. Fun fact, I'm actually quite talkative around close friends (plus online) and I am working towards being talkative around those I don't know so well IRL.

I do have various coping techniques that I have learnt to develop over the years, and I've been through online therapy before. All the online therapists I've talked to have all been impressed by how well I cope, along with my resilience and ingenuity.

This is true, and my friends are thankfully understanding of my situation.

I'm aware, since I've spoken to the disability support team quite a few times. After jumping through a bunch of hoops, they decided that they couldn't help me. They did send me a bunch of URL links to various places that can, so I appreciate that.

Private testing isn't cheap though, and since there's not a significant amount of maths involved in my course, the University can't justify spending money on me. I also have to consider the price of rent and food money for my student accommodation, I'll have to get a part time job and figure out a budget, then maybe I'll be able to set aside £350 for dyscalculia testing and even then they usually do other tests first and only test for dyscalculia later if they deem it appropriate or relevant. Some URL links they sent me only offer testing for 15 year olds and below, so not all of them even apply to me. I'm really sick of going through this nonsense, and I have to wonder if a diagnosis is even worth it. What help is there even if I got one? Does it make a difference at this point?

As for the anxiety stuff, I just don't know anymore. I tend to find from experience that people take one look at me, see I'm doing fine, and just don't want to know. Perhaps it's just something I'll have to keep dealing with on my own.

Yes, they offer therapy. I wish they offered more information on it. Always worry that I'll walk in and someone will be having a session in there and they'll yell at me since it's an open space rather than a closed off room. I get nervous about walking in there, so I don't. Not sure what I'd even say or how I'd go about it. They'd probably just tell me what I already know.

Support groups most likely if you have some kind of diagnosis, don't rely on them to advise you on how to go about that though, chances are they'll just tell you they don't know and expect you to figure it out by extensive personal research and then not want to know because you look fine. *Sigh* Yes, I'm feeling bitter about my experiences and I have low expectations.

I've also worn ear plugs before, as well as bringing my old MP3 with me in case I get overwhelmed and have to escape into my music. Also practised breathing techniques to deal with the claustrophobia a bit better. This stuff is basically second nature to me now. However, it's not fool proof and it only gets me so far.

 

Update: I found out that there is a silent disco planned to take place on campus, so I am considering going to that.

When asking around, some students suggested that I check out local pub venues as well.

Also, I will probably attempt to go to the more potentially overbearing events, after all I can just leave if they become too much. Just hope I don't freak out in public or anything.