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Im Never Going To Look Like A "Real" Man

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ken867, Jul 4, 2018.

  1. ken867

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    I'm an FTM transgender teenager. I'm not on hormones or hormone blockers. I'm worried that Ill never look like a "real" man. I want top surgery, but I don't want the scars. I want bottom surgery, (preferably phalloplasty) but from all of my extensive research all of the penises after surgery, and I mean no offence to anyone, doesn't look like an average penis. It looks too smooth, the shape most of the time doesn't even look like a biological man's penis. You can say well all men come in different shapes and sizes which is true, but at least their organs look normal. My voice is never gonna sound deep enough to sound like a biological male, my chest after top surgery will have scars and will be less toned than I biological man's chest not to mention that my chest will lose sensitivity in the nipples. I'm so done with being trans. I've tried to be happy with being a girl but I cant. I want to look like my true authentic self but I want my future penis to look like a biological mans. I've done extensive research on this topic and the penises never have the correct shape, look, and sensitivity as a biological man's penis. It's not fair that as a trans boy I will never be a "real" man. I hate myself, I hate that I'm transgender, and I hate that my organs and chest will never look like a biological mans.
     
  2. DreamerAsh

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    I know how you feel..
     
  3. DreamerAsh

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    But, you have to decide what's more important to you. Feeling and looking male. Or, looking male like everyone else is and passing in their eyes. Because, you can't really have both. As hard as that is to accept. You have to accept yourself no matter, if it's perfect, or not. I know it's not easy and I struggle to find a place in this world despite being so different, but it's harder to fit into a world that isn't made for you than it is to accept yourself as you are.
     
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  4. ken867

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    I just cant. I want to be who I am but I also want to pass. At the end of the day, I don't care about what people think but it's so hard. I've read so mnay articles where people say a man who has a micro penis or no penis for that matter is undesirable. As much as I want to make my future partners happy and satisfied I also lose the opportunity to be satisfied myself.
     
  5. DreamerAsh

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    That's not entirely true. Some women and men prefer penetration and that is difficult with size. But, phalloplasty makes the size significantly bigger. That's what they say. Even, if it doesn't there are other ways to make your future partners happy. It doesn't always have to be about size. There are many people who actually like smaller-average penises and even prefer them. You can be satisfied yourself without having to be a certain size. It's like boob size when your female, everybody finds a bigger size desirable and attractive, but at the end of the day, they crawl into bed with their small-average breasted wife and they are very happy. You just have to find someone who accepts you as you are. If, someone is so concerned with your size that they don't want to be with you, maybe they're not a lifelong partner you are looking for. A cisgender gay male is attracted to me and he knows I still appear female with my chest and my lower half. It doesn't seem to phase him. Sex doesn't matter. Keep in mind he was attracted to me before I accepted myself as trans. A gay guy who likes a female despite his given sexuality. He didn't panic and suddenly say he was bisexual. It is what it is. He likes me, as a person. If, someone likes you for who you are, then when sex comes up they will find a way to satisfy both you and them, despite the struggles. They will do this, because they love and care about you. They want you to be satisfied and you will want the same for them. You'll find a way to make it work.
     
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  6. DreamerAsh

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  7. ken867

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    Thank you but I'm not anywhere near getting accepted for surgery. I'm only 14.
     
  8. Kira

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    Normally I'm the last person to be optimistic, but hear me out...

    I don't know if this will help but look at this guy for example, I never would have guessed he was trans. His look, voice, posture, was all spot on. It is possible. And I'll say the earlier you start on hormones, the more of an effect you will get from them. Voice included.

    [​IMG]
     
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  9. ken867

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    Thank you but my parent's arent letting me start hormones until I'm 18 and can pay for them myself. Even if I could get them I wouldn't be able to.
     
  10. Kira

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    I don't mean to pry but I noticed your info says you're in Ontario and one of my friends in the area says her HRT and surgery were both covered with her healthcare. Are your parents aware, have you came out to them, or are they really close-minded and that could go badly? If the situation is right, you shouldn't have to pay for them.

    I know Canada as a whole is once of the more advanced/accepting places, and I would think most areas would have support groups as well. If you did manage to find one, they might be able to tell you a better course of action (getting HRT, explaining to family, etc) than I can.

    Best of luck, though!
     
  11. ken867

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    I don't mind at all. I have come out and my parents are supportive but both are supportive in different ways. My mom is someone I talk to about medical stuff and my dad is someone I talk to about trans gear and such. My mom doesn't want me to get a packer but my dad doesn't see any harm in it. They're not together anymore so they don't talk about stuff like this together. Money not why my dad doesn't want me to start testosterone. He thinks I might change my mind and that its an adult decision that I can make and pay for myself when I'm 18. The only problem is I've already started puberty and cant take much more of periods pr my face looking feminine or my chest getting bigger. My chest has always been big but I recently had to but a whole new set of binders because I outgrew the old ones. My step-mom works for a health insurance company but they won't cover it.
     
  12. Kira

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    Dang. Hm. Well if you can't properly start HRT yet, have you talked to them about "blockers"? They won't necessarily make progress by themselves, but they can help obstruct puberty from being as prevalent of an issue. If you did theoretically have regrets (which very few do) blockers don't cause anything permanent on their own.

    Because having live through the wrong puberty with no obstruction can really mess someone up. Physically and mentally. Compared to if a cis person is on blockers, it'll only make them develop late instead of causing conflict or lingering dysphoria.
     
  13. ken867

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    My parents mostly my dad don't want me on anything that could affect me in the future. I've tried talking to them but my dad said he would only let me start hormones before im 18 if it was a life or death situation. The problem is... it's starting to feel that way. I'm a boy I should have testosterone and be able to go through male puberty. I'm afraid if I don't start now my voice will remain high pitched and secondary male characteristics won't look natural. I cant take being in this body anymore. Ill be having lived in this body for almost 15 years now I don't think I can take another 15 more.
     
  14. Kira

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    That's exactly what I'm worried about. Dysphoria really can mess you up bad. Part of why I put so much weight on the issue is so it's preventing a life or death situation instead of letting it get that bad in the first place.

    But even if you can't have testosterone yet, I'd still say to talk to them about blockers. They won't effect you in the future in the same way, they're more or less going to buy you some time. Even if it won't necessarily make progress, it'll help slow the rate at which things get worse. It buys time to think, and I feel like that's a compromise between the two of you.

    I also may say that voice training can work without HRT. You can gradually lower your voice a bit on your own, I think there's tutorials for that sort of thing out there. I know you said your voice bothers you, and it really wouldn't hurt to have less things weighing you down. A sense of progress helps soothe the mind too. It'll be better when you finally do get HRT of course, but I think it's good for retaining the sanity in the meantime.
     
  15. ken867

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    I will continue to talk to my parents but they are both extremely against going on hormone blockers. My father believes they can do irreversible harm to my body.
     
  16. Kira

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    If anything can cause irreversible harm... it's an unrestrained incorrect puberty. I've seen the pain it causes. Other hormones aside from blockers are permanent too, but likely would just make you more comfortable in your own body instead of causing harm. Blockers on the other hand are reversible if you did theoretically end up in the minority with regrets.

    Still, though. I wish you the best of luck! Your parents may not understand for now, but if they're willing to listen maybe you or support groups can educate them.
     
  17. ken867

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    Thank you for all your support. Means the world to me.
     
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  18. SomeUsername

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    Hey man, I was in a similar situation as you when I was 15. I know this situation sucks and there's nothing I can say that will make it not suck, but you just have to hang in there. Now that I'm about to turn 18 and leave for college, I'm finding that all the sentimental crap people say about how much better things will get better and how it will all feel worth it actually has some truth to it.

    In response to your concerns about not looking like a cis man:
    1. Testosterone is very effective in deepening the voice, especially if you start by your early-mid 20's, so there's a good chance you will have a masculine voice.
    2. With pec exercises, your chest can look more toned. Of course, testosterone helps with muscle gain and if you're still insecure about it, you could save up for pec implants.
    3. I'm also put off by the possibility of chest scars, but according to my research there are techniques (such as peri-areolar) that leave minimal to no lasting scars.
    4. About the micro-penis thing- a lot of women can't orgasm from penetration alone. There are other factors in what makes you desirable as a partner and other factors in what makes sex sexy. Yeah, bottom dysphoria is still shitty. All I can say is, medical science is advancing every day. Maybe penis transplants, or at least more refined ftm surgery, will be a thing soon.

    As for your concerns about medically transitioning:
    You said you feel like you can't stand being in this body anymore. I know what that feels like. I used to feel that way all the time, but I'm still around. I've found that the best way to deal with the anguish of not being able to get the medical treatment you want, is to focus on the steps that will you in other aspects of transitioning. Rejoice in the small steps and accomplishments of every day. Trans teens have a lot of shit going on and you should be proud that you're strong enough just to handle it.

    Productive steps might include:
    1. Study for your learner's permit test so you can drive yourself to a job and to medical providers.
    2. You might be too young for a job, but you can at least work on your extracurriculars and GPA so you have a good resume.
    3. If you have any social transitioning left to do, do it. It's scary but rewarding and it might show your parents that you're serious about this.
    4. Exercise consistently. It's just good for your health and stress levels. Don't worry if you can't build as much muscle as you want- it's counterproductive and unfair to yourself. There will be time for building muscle mass once you're on T. Just start setting good habits now.
    5. Save what you can get. If the cost is a serious issue, maybe work some odd jobs or babysit. Keep in mind that there are big differences in how much T can cost: I don't know how it is in Ontario, but where I live injectable T is way less expensive than the other methods. I see you've discovered the joy of transition-related research benders. If it will set your mind at ease, you could research jobs that cover trans stuff in their insurance policies and maybe see if there are plasma or egg donation centers around you (again, I don't know how things are in Canada, but here they usually pay you for donating those). Also, there are some websites where you can be paid to take surveys.
     
    #18 SomeUsername, Jul 6, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2018
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