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BI, but feel like I am turning gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Nicholas7, Jul 2, 2018.

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BI, but feel like I am turning gay?

  1. I am gay

    8 vote(s)
    40.0%
  2. I am BI

    12 vote(s)
    60.0%
  1. Mihael

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    Yeah you don't have to have sex with guys to acknowledge this part of you :slight_smile:
    To me, it's just like you have a girlfriend but feel attracted to other people too. No matter if they are male, female, whatever. It's just the exact same situation in my opinion.
    In my opinion, you sound panicked, and you should wait before making any decisions for your emotions to settle down.

    I agree with Chip: you could be anywhere on the Kinsey scale, you could be bi, you could be gay. You do say the sex with your gf is so-so. Look, I never had that problem with a man (I have dared men only so far and had some more superficial experience with women). It shouldn't leave any doubt whether you like her body or not. It might mean you're really gay if I can be blunt.

    Another question is, maybe you demand from yourself too much? It's normal that people are in the mood for sex sometimes, and at other times not. That's also something to consider. You desiring other people than your gf is also normal. The question is how much you care about this relationship and if you're willing to invest effort and be trustworthy.
     
  2. Nicholas7

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    What!!!???? Of course I like her body and guys body. I love having sex with her, but the first time I did it I was more attracted to guys so the sex was a bit off. These attractions change sometimes during the day but here’s the thing buddy. I love her, and I don’t wanna lose her. I like the sex it’s amazing but here’s the fact you aren’t paying attention to. A gay guy would leave there girlfriend because it doesn’t feel right... and I ain’t in that situation I feel like everything is working out with her that way. Every time I kiss her I feel a spark, another reason I ain’t gay. Here’s the last reason I ain’t gay I have been like this for 5 years since the age of 14. Constantly changing maybe I am gay, but I know for sure if I am gay I would of left her by now..
     
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  3. Mihael

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    So if you like her body then there is no problem :slight_smile: and you've got your answer.
    But it's normal to feel differently sexually during the day. It's just... different moods coming and going. 100% normal.
     
  4. Nicholas7

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    If I was gay surely I wouldn’t stay with her. I do love her though so how can I be gay?
     
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  5. LLsailor

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    Many gay men love women but the difference is they just lost interest in Sex almost completely. Since you’re saying sex is so-so sometimes and great other times that’s clearly just an attraction fluctuation or just not being in the mood for sex. Take it easy man. From my stand point it seems like you’re looking for someone to tell you you’re not gay. My honest opinion is no.. I truly think your bisexual. If things change to where even cuddling her is rather dreadful to you then yeah that’s an issue.
     
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  6. Nicholas7

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    I love cuddles and kisses with her. I only had sex with her once which was alright, she was a virgin to so it was hard to get it in there at the beginning.
     
  7. LLsailor

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    Oh ok
     
  8. Nickw

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    Hey

    Now, you've offered a bit more info. You are new at sex with women and, guessing here, haven't had sex with a guy either.

    You are way ahead of yourself. Good sex, that is mutually satisfying, is not something we know automatically how to do. It takes patience, care, and hopefully, an emotional bond.

    Give yourself some time. Enjoy the exploration and remain open to the feelings and let yourself be vulnerable. Be honest and caring.

    Chill!
     
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  9. Love4Ever

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    I must concur here. Chip identifies as gay, and has shown on many ocassions that bi people just don't make sense to him. I really don't know why he is so set on seeing everything in monosexual terms. Not all people are one or the other, and trying to bend them to fit your worldview is not helping. I'm sure his intentions are not unkindly meant, but he just doesn't seem to understand people who aren't straight or gay.
     
  10. Love4Ever

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    I can tell you are desperately looking for reassurance. So I'm going to give it to you, but after that you need to take a deep breath and clear your head. You're not gay. Simple. Nothing you have written shows you're gay. Nothing at all. You love her, you're attracted to her, you want just happen to be fixated on hunky dudes right now. That's totally fine. You're a completely normal bi guy. Now please, relax and give your mind a rest.
     
    #50 Love4Ever, Jul 3, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2018
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  11. Love4Ever

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    Btw your poll results also clearly show the majority think you're bi. So I'm not the only one saying this.
     
  12. Chip

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    Uh, no. If you actually read my posts, I talk a lot about bisexuality, and have worked with a lot of genuinely bisexual people. I also communicate a lot about people who worry they are gay but more likely are straight with an anxiety or obsessive issue. One does not have to be something in order to relate to it. Therapists could never do their jobs if they had to be able to relate to everything their clients experience.

    Again, I don't know where you're getting this idea, because one of the things I most commonly say is that orientation isn't a binary or even a trinary, but is a spectrum. Now, within that spectrum, people tend to cluster toward one end or the other, and tend to stay stable wherever they are over time, but there are certainly people in the middle and between the middle and the ends. I think among the most common phrases I use in posts like this are "only you can know for sure" and "You may have to simply wait and see where things lead you" and such.

    What is also true is that an awful lot of people, especially those in the early stages of coming out, use the 'bi' label during the bargaining phase, as a bridge identity that allows them to still hold onto the idea they could end up in a heterosexual marriage. A lot of the time, this turns out not to be the case, and that's one of the reasons that many people distrust bisexual people, because a lot of folks (unintentionally) misuse the label as they are coming to understand themselves. If you look at the history of people's experiences here on EC over the past 14 years, you'll see an awful lot of people who initially labeled as "straight" then "questioning" then "bi" then "gay." And that's consistent with what we know about the process people go through with self-acceptance.

    Also, very often, we are most irritated by the things that we are unconsciously afraid may be true for ourselves. That isn't always the case, of course, but there's plenty of research to support that; one of the best books on it is Debbie Ford's "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers".

    Finally, if we look at Nicholas7's posts throughout this thread, they are entirely consistent with someone moving out of the denial stage and into the anger stage. Of course, I can't say that's what happening but... just from an observation perspective, it certainly looks that way.
     
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  13. Himo

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    1. Thanks @Chip for your patiance and explaining.

    And then a question: Do you think, that a person can split „emotional attraction“ and „sexual attraction“ to both sexes?

    I am very curious: how are you managing your love-life? Can you be monogamous? This is very personal i know...

    To OP: i recommend taking chip‘s posts seriously. Nobody want‘s to juge you here. I had also a very difficult journey (still have). I am in a 12 yo relationship with a woman i love. I am 30yo. I also had sex with men on very rare occasions. And i beginn to realize slowly, that there is a chance i could be gay or bi. The more time passes, the more i think i am gay (and i truly love my gf!). I wouldn‘t have a problem with being gay. I just wan‘t to be shure... it seems to be a hard and long process... (on which my gf is involved btw).

    You are young. Take your time. Make experiances. Talk to your GF. Be honest.
     
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  14. Nickw

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    I feel that I can express a friendship with intimacy. So, for me, it is possible to have a primary and romantic marriage with my wife that involves intimacy and also have male friends where the intimacy is casual and yet still carries an emotional bond.

    BUT. I was married for 30 years in traditional monogamy before doing this at, I might add, my wife's suggestion...she feels I need this.

    If either my wife or me decided this was too stressing on our relationship then I wouldn't continue. There are other ways to nurture my same sex desires.

    The crux with this is I, pretty much, need to only be with other bisexual men who feel the same way to make it really work.
     
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  15. Himo

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    @Nickw
    Thank you so much for your honest answer.
    I feel like there are a lot of us in some sort of a „similar situation“. I am happy for you, that you found what is best for you. And it helps me (and others) to see the possibilitys...
     
  16. Nicholas7

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    Look I love her, the sex doesnt matter...
     
  17. Nickw

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    To circle back to the OP's issue here. To do what I am doing takes time, patience and a willingness to be open to what I feel.

    It also requires that one build a level of trust and commitment. Had I tried to balance this lifestyle at the OP's age, it would have all unraveled.

    The intensity of the feelings and emotions when one is young sometimes makes the practicality of something like my situation not possible.

    Being bisexual, if that is what the OP really is, has its own set of challenges and rewards. It's hard to convince a young person not to panic when confronted with this very confusing set of emotions and desires.

    I know at twenty, I struggled and struggled and was afraid to even have a relationship with a woman for fear of this other side of me overwhelming me and taking over.

    I decided I could repress it. But, that didn't work long term. We now know that bisexual is real and not that uncommon. And, it is OK...even great sometimes.

    I wish someone would have told me when I was 19 to just chill and go along for the ride.
     
  18. Himo

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    I said the same thing „it‘s JUST sex...“. I don‘t want to scare you or tell you, what you like or dislike. I can just tell you, that WHEN you are gay, sex will get harder (to perform as a man with a woman). After 12 years it is getting harder fo me to have an errection. The wish of having sex with men gets stronger and my body is getting older too. But the love to my GF stays... this makes it so cruel... for both of us.

    But belive me, having errection problems with 30 isn‘t funny. And i realize now that sex is very important (for the most of us). Don‘t underestimate it.
     
  19. Nickw

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    Nicholas7

    I wrote this last post before I saw your last post.

    Super personal question you don't need to answer. Did you have trouble "performing"?

    Sometimes the stress of having sex does this to guys and it causes them to have all sorts of crazy thoughts. Then it all works out as you get more comfortable with intimacy.
     
  20. Nicholas7

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    No sex is alright i guess? it changes sometimes I dont know my head is really messed up