I want to come out but i am scared to at the same time. I'm scared of bad reactions, of being mocked, etc the normal stuff. But i'm also scared of other things. What if a year or two down the road i decide i was wrong, that i'm another identity or that i'm a girl after all? or that my name was wrong? Or what if after a week of hearing my current chosen name, Theo (Theodore) i decide i don't like it. This is just at work too, everyone there i am not friends with them but on a work basis they've all been kind and supportive every time i've nearly or actually had a mental breakdown at work. And most of them are young. I suspect or have confirmed that we've had two gay coworkers and nobody makes a fuss about it. I'm there to work and i kind of just want to say it, give them time to adjust, and it goes back to normal but i'm Theo, i'm a guy now. But i feel like on one hand, if i can just tell one or two people and slowly everyone at work calls me Theo and a guy, maybe it'll be easier. I just feel like something's gotta give. Work's the only place i can wear my binder so while i know its backwards, i don't have any friends irl just online so i feel like this is the only next step i can take at the moment. Note that i question my judgement for everything, mom is/was emotionally/verbally abusive and acts like she's got narcissistic personality disorder. So i think a lot of my not being able to make a decision about this and be sure of it has to do with that rather than my own actual feelings maybe? And i feel like i've gotta be 110% right or its invalid.
Hey Theo! Worrying about making a mistake is normal. Before I started transitioning I was terrified I would come to regret it. I haven't. The only thing that happened was that it led me to transition later rather than sooner, which was fine. I spoke with many guys who had the same concerns. Even if you do decide something else fits you better, so what? People change their minds. You can't get everything right on the first try. Don't be ashamed of uncertainty, especially when dealing with something as complex as gender identity. Worst case scenario? Let us say, hypothetically, that you do later on decide on a different label. How would you know you had 'made a mistake' if you don't try this in the first place? Your end goal should be to find what makes you happy. Sometimes to get there requires we go out of our way and experience thing we don't like. There's only regret if the result isn't worth it. One thing I've noticed is that young people, regardless of political association, are generally much more socially liberal than any of the older generations. They have always been the ones to get my name and pronouns correct the moment I tell them without backlash or questions asked (in the case that they previously saw me as female). Obviously this isn't going to be the same with every individual, but young people seem to be more open to "deviant" identities. It sounds to me like you've got good company at work. You might tell one person at work you are most comfortable with and then see how they take it. Maybe you can ask them to spread the word for you so you won't have to tell each person individually. You do not have to be 110% right to be valid. You do not have to be 100% right to be valid. You do not even have to be 90% right to be valid. If you want your coworkers calling you by your proper name and pronouns and you think it is safe, then you should do it.
But it's no big deal if you change your mind later. Nothing bad will happen, you can be sure. If you were wrong, you would just say that you realised that's not it for you. The end. Everyne will understand. Life is like that. Of course, if you do change your mind, you might very well not. People at your work sound pretty cool for being supportive and okay with gays. They sound like a good bunch to try.
Thanks for the help guys. It made me feel a lot better about all this. I think i'll try to tell someone today and see how it goes. Depends who is on shift tho.
Its scary at first but super liberating as time goes on. Nothing like being super authentic with yourself and with others.
