So I just came out to someone again. I just want to know how "normal" this is. I ALWAYS have trouble coming out to people and I don't know why. I feel sick and shaky and the words will not come out. I start losing my train of thought and just have what feels like an anxiety attack. It happens EVERYTIME. I haven't come out a ton, but like a hand-full of times. Enough times to where I feel like I should start feeling relief or having a very slightly easier time saying it, but it just gets harder. Today, I just thought about saying it and my foot started shaking like mad! Then my brain shut off, then I was just saying to myself "say it, say it, say it". I did say it, it went well, but I felt like I wanted to barf after. I felt shaky and sick and it's just hard. Does it ever stop? Does it ever get easier?
Are anxiety attacks something you suffer from otherwise? I find that if I worry too much about an anxiety attack happening in a particular situation/place, then I can't think about anything else and I stop thinking rationally, so I normally do have an anxiety attack or get very close to it. I've got no experience of coming out, so can't tell you how "normal" it is, but I know what happens when I think about something too much. Just a thought.
Hi @sabrinaa - I honestly don't know whether it gets an easier, but I'll bet you get better at it. Have you tried writing out what you want to say, reading it out-loud to yourself, and then reading it to the person you want to come out to? I wrote out my coming-out talk to my wife (haven't said it to her yet) and started by saying something like, "Forgive me for writing this out, but this is important to me and I want to get it right". I think your reaction is very normal, and a lot of us experience it in different ways. Last week at the LGBT Resource Center I had difficulty getting my words out. It was like the syllables were there but they were jumbled. I had to speak very slowly, one syllable at a time! Good luck! Hugs, love and light- =Sevn
sabrinaa.....Welcome to the wonderful world of coming out. It really can be a terror-filled experience when you tell someone that you are not who they thought you were. When you announce that you belong to a minority that has been and still is persecuted. A group whose members have been killed just for loving the wrong person. I know that I am making it sound awfully bad...but in so many ways...it is. Having an anxiety attack when trying to come out is not very unusual at all. I realize that won't make you feel any better...but you certainly are not alone. It should begin to get easier for you...how long will it take? It's different with everybody. I've found that who you are coming out to can have an effect on how difficult/easy it is. For me, friends were always easier than family. If I knew that the friend was gay, then it was much easier. Part of the difficulty, for me...was that early on in the process, I was still a little shaky in my acceptance of myself. I had accepted that I was and always had been gay, but there were still a lot of issues to be resolved. The more confident I became in who I am, the easier it became to talk about it. The most recent guy I came out to was about a month ago. It was the most awesome coming out that I've ever had. He was a former student who is now about 25. I had no idea at all that he was gay. We had been talking about the local Pride Parade where he lives. I kind of assumed that he was an ally as I knew he had gone with a couple of other former students who were his friends in high school. I knew that one of them was a lesbian. About half-way through the conversation I suddenly realized that what I had been talking about for the last few minutes left no doubt at all that I was gay. I about choked as that dawned on me! While I was still processing that I had just outed myself and that he had not even blinked, I heard him telling me about all the times that he had snuck boys into his house when his parents were gone! Both of us just kind of came to a stop, looking at each other...then he said "Holy crap, we're both gay!" and then he gave me a huge hug! After that we talked for quite a while. I really do think that you too will find that it gets easier. For right now, take some time and think about what makes you get so nervous when you're coming out to someone. Is it fear of rejection, or fear that, even if they accept you, they'll treat you differently afterward? Whatever is causing you so much anxiety is something that, like me, you may have not worked all the way through yet. Coming out is something that no straight person will ever understand...it's scary and yet can be such a relief at the same time. Sorry for writing a novel here...hope some part of this helps! .....David
Thanks, this is very helpful! That last coming out experience you had sounds amazing! Yeah, I think a lot of my issues are also that I am not super confidant in my acceptance of myself. My main thing is that I've never actually been with a man or woman. So, I've figured out that I like women a lot and am not interested in men, but there is a small part of me that holds doubts because of my lack of experience. I think I am also just scared of what people think. I don't want to be seen differently! I wish I didn't have to come out, but it feels better coming out because I am tired of lying when people keep asking me questions about boys or wanting to set me up with someone! I've had time to think about my last experience and I do feel better now. I'm glad I came out to that person because now I feel i'm not hiding something anymore. But yeah, my anxiety attacks when I come out are tough. It's so hard to admit to people that basically "I am not like you" It feels like I am separating myself. I know that is not true, it does not make me different, but I am just afraid of being seen different or being outcasted. I don't know, hopefully with more time I will figure it out and grow more confidence in that area. I have a lot to work on and think about. Thanks for your response!
Yeah, I have had a bit of social anxiety in the past, but I've worked with it and gotten over it. This feels similar to that, but much much worse! I suppose this could be related because my social anxiety when I was younger, was because I was afraid of rejection or people thinking I was dumb for whatever I was going to say. I got over it when I stopped caring what people thought. This could be a similar thing popping up again and this is the only way my body knows how to handle it. It's my "fight or flight" I feel threatened, in danger. I feel like my (social) life is on the line. This almost feels worse than when I was younger because it is so much more personal. My legs were quaking! My Brain was frozen, heart racing, my words were stuck. Oh man, have not felt that in a while! It was tough, but I got through it so I am proud of that.
Well done for getting through it. Hopefully you've got some strategies that you can use again this time.
@sabrinaa I felt very similar to you when I started coming out to people and I’m out to less than ten people. I suffer from anxiety. I am married to a man, in love with a woman but never been with a woman, but I know I’m gay and I am slowly untangling the marriage in order for me to move forward. I can tell you each experience in telling someone has allowed me to grow more confident in myself. Before when I told someone I would physically feel ill and then question whether or not I should have told them, so concerned that they would out me to my friends, family and coworkers. The last person I told I was still nervous about telling but when I did she just moved onto the next thing, it was no big deal to her. When I told her how relived I was by her support she said that she thought I would find that I am more worried about being gay than anyone I tell. I’m still the same person I was 5 minutes before I told her. So does it get easier, I would say as your confidence in yourself grows you’ll find that your care less about what others think and then the anxiety will decrease.
Hey it definitely gets easier, for quite a while I thought it wouldn't but it definitely does. You will get there.
Hi @sabrinaa - I tried coming out like 30 years ago, and not since then, so my experience comes more from other things. When I do something that seems risky, there's a part of me that screams "NO!!!". That part of me is my fear, and it is there to keep me safe. Fear doesn't work through reason, it's just associations and raw emotions. If I do something like I did last week, telling the truth about my sexuality to the LGBT Resource Center counselor, my fear tells me I'm going to die. If I ignore my fear, it screams even more loudly. I think of the different aspects of me as passengers in a car. My rational mind is the driver, often making decisions based on what the other passengers have to say. When one of the passengers screams "NO!!!" I have a choice of obeying or ignoring it. Or, I can say to that passenger, "Thank you, you are right, there's something I need to be aware of. I will proceed carefully in order to take care of all of us. Please keep watching. We're in this together. Thank you for keeping us safe". I hope that might be useful for you.
