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Bi but lesbian?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Mihael, Jul 1, 2018.

  1. Mihael

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    I don’t understand. I fall for both men and women, want to have sex with both. All that jazz. But realistically speaking I don’t like dating men. But I feel like I ought to because I feel physicslly attracted and this is what the popular view is what you should do. Date whoever you feel attracted to. But... I don’t like how it comes out. And then I think... maybe should just date a feminine man. Gah. Stupid me. Help. Anyone who has been in this situation? Has some insight? Is it possible that I find a man that I like? With having children... I’m coming to the conclusion that whatever. Two women can have kids without a man and if I end up with a woman, then this is no different from if I was a lesbian to begin with and this is what is meant for me and always was, so... let’s stop self-nagging.
     
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  2. Lexa

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    I think you should just date who you are interested in, regardless their gender, and see how it goes. It's possible you feel only physical attraction to guys and not romantic attraction, it happens.
     
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  3. Mihael

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    I feel like the romantic attraction is there too, it just works out badly usually. As a relationship of two people, personalities. It’s the inside of men I dislike frequently. Well, maybe I haven’t met the right guy yet... What bugs me is that the guys act so irresponsible and insensitive.
     
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  4. Love4Ever

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    This. I don't know if I have bad luck with men or maybe I'll just never luck out with men. I'm so attracted to them but I just don't jive with most men. Ugh. I feel your pain.
     
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  5. Love4Ever

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    I do feel like my romantic and sexual attractions are somewhat unbalanced as well.
     
  6. Love4Ever

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    I really wish I didn't struggle this much. I think part of my current mood is because I'm on the bi-cycle at the moment and I'm craving girls like nothing else, but also I wonder if I was not able to see my struggles with emotional intimacy with men before because I have no experience dating them. I've gone out with a male friend on "dates" before and honestly I wasn't into them but that is because I'm not into him. But maybe it will be that way with a man I am attracted to? What if I can't emotionally find any guy who I can love? The thought makes me so sad. I grew up without any male friends not a lot of guys mine own age etc. I have many wonderful male relatives but I don't have a ton of experience with interacting with males outside my family. I worry sometimes I won't be able to find a guy who I can be happy with despite my very strong physical attraction. It's so hard when your romantic and sexual orientations overlap but are also distinct in some ways. I keep telling myself if I meet the right man this will change but sometimes I despair of finding one. I have seriously considered only dating women but I fear that I will be denying a part of myself if I restrict myself.
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    This is why I just can't believe when people say there is no difference between sexual and romantic. It is a very real and often frustrating reality for me.
     
  8. Love4Ever

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    I agree that you can totally have a kid no matter the gender of your partner. You can definitely raise a child with another woman. I have considered the the idea myself. I don't want biological kids so for me the gender of my partner is irrelevant to whether I have them or not. I would adopt with either a man or a woman.
     
  9. Love4Ever

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    The frustrating thing about all this is I'm not a lesbian. I'm just not, and so my struggle with men will be eternal. I don't know what I want most of the time. I have seriously considered polyamory because I don't know if I can work out this disconnect without being able to be with both. A man who I could love and who could satisfy my sexual needs in that regard and a woman who romantically fulfills me and also feeds my desire for something soft and feminine. I'm aching so much for some form of companionship. I just want someone to be close to.
     
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  10. Lin1

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    OP, I feel you.

    I am the closest it gets to being gay when you are bi, but refuse to use the "lesbian" label because the ridiculously low and rare attraction I feel towards men makes me feel like I don't belong with that label, yet I know (though I may be wrong) that no men will ever fulfill me.

    In the end, you ought to date whoever makes you happy, regardless of gender and regardless of how you identify. No point dating men if they make you miserable and you can very much have a very happy life/family with another woman. So why not do what makes you the most comfortable?
     
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  11. Love4Ever

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    I agree with the last part. I think what's hard for me is I am not THAT gay. At least not physically. And that's why I don't know what to do sometimes. I don't know I just... love people and want love. I have my likes and dislikes for each gender but I just want to be happy and find those things united together.
     
  12. Lin1

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    But you are not gay, apparently, according to the label you have picked you are bisexual, so it's okay to not be gay, and not like one more than the other and yet to still not like both equally. Sexual orientation and attraction doesn't have to be logical, it often isn't and this is why we can't always justify why we don't like someone or don't feel attracted to them despite them being perfect on paper.

    Once you like someone, you will have less doubt and less confusion, maybe polyamory/polygamy is the solution for you, maybe it's not, you will figure it out in due time. Again, do what feels right for you at the time and you will figure it out.

    Good luck! x
     
    #12 Lin1, Jul 1, 2018
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  13. Love4Ever

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    Thanks. I'm hoping that it will all work out in the end.
     
  14. Mihael

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    I would totally do without polamory. I have had my fair share of both, erotically. I want a real relationship now.

    With women, I don't feel that confusion about my feelings to them. It's a really nice feeling. I have plenty of experience with men, and I have mostly male friends but something is just not working. A viable relationship can't exist with the other guys being selfish jerks or having stunningly low Emotional Intelligence.

    Me too...
     
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  15. HDIGH

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    When I was first opening up to myself about the fact that I wasn't exactly the totally straight guy I had convinced myself to be I heard the term "hetero-romantic bisexual" ie someone who was physically attracted to both sexes but only sought out hetero relationships. Or put a bit more bluntly, "bi for play" lol. I eventually realized I was actually more fully bi than I had been willing to admit and now gladly embrace the label of bi/pan.
    I wonder if the term "homo-romantic bisexual" might be one you're more comfortable with than lesbian or fully bi.
    No matter what term you choose, be honest with yourself. And try not to worry too much about fitting into a label.
    High-bi-five to you and good luck hugs!
     
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  16. Mihael

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    But I used to identify as heteroromantic bisexual back in the old days. Hmmm. Even though I felt like it would be a good idea to sleep with a woman (although sleeping around is not my thing), I didn't ever fall for one until colege.

    Anyway, even if it is not romantic attraction, "I want to date a woman, not a man, even though I'm bi" should be just fine :slight_smile: I have the right, don't I ?

    *high fives*
     
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  17. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Maybe date a genderfluid person?
     
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