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At what point should I force myself to start dating?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by whaddit, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. whaddit

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    Hey guys! This is my first time posting on EC in probably 5 or more years, but I feel like I need some outside perspective on getting into dating as a gay guy.

    So I'm 19, going into my second year of university, and I've never dated anyone. I've never kissed, never had sex, nothing. I'm mostly alright with that, save for occasional spurts of loneliness, but I worry that my decision to abstain is going to ruin my self-confidence a couple years from now, especially since a large part of why I'm not dating is general discomfort with putting myself out there. It feels like the only two options are using a dating app or pestering my friends to get them to hook me up with someone, neither of which really appeal.

    It's not as though I'd dislike having a boyfriend, but I worry that I would just use one to artificially bolster my self-esteem, and that feels cheap. But explicitly seeking out a boyfriend in the first place feels cheap in the same way; I know it's a pretty childish mindset to have, but I wish there was something more organic than an app, even though that isn't very feasible in a smaller dating pool.

    I guess my question boils down to this: should I be forcing myself to date in order to not be a lonely, inexperienced virgin several years down the road, or should I just not bother? I feel like I'll always be apathetic about the prospect of dating, so maybe I should just suck it up and start sooner. Plus, at this point I figure I'm already behind the curve, so I should probably just cut my losses and try to get some level of relationship experience. I don't know, sorry for rambling, I appreciate any insight.
     
  2. Confoozed

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    If you have to force yourself to date that doesn't sound like it will be for the right reasons. You don't want to use anyone as you say to bolster your self-esteem or just to not feel lonely or inexperienced. If you're lonely maybe you should look for more LGBT friends, getting to know people first to know if you really want to go further (i.e organically) instead of seeking out a boyfriend which as you say feels cheap. You also don't have to succumb to society's pressures of having relationship experience or the notion of when you "should" no longer be a virgin. It's really ultimately your choice, do it when YOU feel comfortable...
     
    #2 Confoozed, Jun 30, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2018
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  3. tystnad

    tystnad Guest

    there's definitely no point where you should force yourself to start dating at all. there's no deadline on these things! if you're comfortable with your current situation, that's all that matters. can that change in a couple of years? sure. but it's never too late to start. if in a few years you feel like dating is something you'd like to be doing, you could just start it then! society can be awful about these things sometimes and make it look like there are deadlines, but the only thing that matters is how you feel. do things at your own pace, that's perfectly ok! the thing about the future version of ourselves is that we can't predict which things we'll regret and which things we don't... when i was in my teens a lot of people tried to pressure me into dating and i wasn't at all interested in doing so, and today, i'm glad i didn't. i'm at an age that is "a few years down the road" for you and i still haven't dated, and i can't say it has affected my confidence (possibly even made me more confident because i'm proud i could resist societal pressures and i am putting myself, rather than an idea of what is 'normal', first by doing things at my own pace. also, i've really valued the time it has given me to really think and learn about me and who i am, which ultimately will be beneficial for a healthy relationship). that's different for everyone, of course! but i just wanted to share that because society often pushes the idea that if you haven't done certain things at a certain age it will inevitably lead to unhappiness and a lack of hope for the future.

    dating apps and friends setting you up is definitely not for everyone. if your concern is that you're not putting yourself out there, why not consider making more gay friends/acquaintances ? easier said than done, i know, but since you mentioned that the only way for you to date is through dating apps or through friends setting you up, it wouldn't hurt to increase your network a little. i don't mean you need to instantly become Mr Popular and be friends with every single gay guy out there, but by getting to know more gay (or bi, for that matter) men, you're also increasing the possibility of one day meeting someone you really click with and might consider dating ---- without it being a forced thing. finding a boyfriend shouldn't be your first priority when increasing your network (sometimes the more we want something, the less likely we are to find it) but if you want to eventually have the option of finding someone in a more 'organic' way than dating apps or hook ups, that's the way to go.

    these things are very different for everybody. some people your age freak out over being virgins and decide to hook up with a stranger just to have had the experience. some of them are completely ok with that, others end up regretting it and wishing they had waited to make the experience more memorable. other people are still entirely inexperienced in every way much later in life, and here again, too, some are completely ok with that, while others wish they had done things differently. you can't predict how your future self is going to feel, so do what feels right for you now. and if dating isn't something you want, then there's absolutely no reason you should :slight_smile:

    edit: whoops, didn't see confoozed's post up there, sorry for repeating!
     
    #3 tystnad, Jun 30, 2018
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  4. OnTheHighway

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    Have you considered why your uncomfortable putting yourself out there, and focus on the building the confidence and self esteem necessary in the first instance? We all need to work on ourselves to build confidence, self esteem, self worth and learn to love whom we are. It’s definitly not easy work to do, but if your up for the challenge of taking an introspective look, and leveraging EC to find advice and help guide you, I am a true believer that you can work through the underlying issues that are limiting your confidence.

    As others said, there is no rush, life is not a race. Go at your one pace.
     
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