I have a friend who I’m close with and I’m not out to her yet. I don’t know if I should come out to her before my parents or if I should just wait. For clarity’s sake, let’s call her H. I’m already out to two of my closest friends and I want to come out to another close friend sometime soon as well. After that, I thought that I’d come out to my parents and then I wouldn’t really care who knew and I’d just come out more casually. If I don’t come out to H soon, she’ll find out casually either through me or through someone I’ve already come out to. I’ve been friends with H for several years (I’ve known her longer than any of my other friends), but there are also things that we never talk about. With my other close friends, I can talk to them about anything and we don’t have expectations for each other since we met (relatively) more recently, which is why I feel more comfortable coming out to them. They’ve also expressed positive and supportive opinions of the LGBTQ+ community. I’m more nervous about coming out to H because we’ve known each other for so long and based on what she’s previously said, I’m pretty sure that she thinks I’m straight, whereas my other close friends really had no idea what my sexuality was. I’m thinking (and hoping) that H will be accepting because she’s generally an open-minded person, but I don’t know for sure since she’s never talked about LGBTQ+ topics. If she doesn’t take it well, then I’m worried that my parents could find out and I really want to be the one to tell them. Another part of it is that H is currently out of the country and won’t be back until later this summer. So if I did come out to her, it would have to be through text and I don’t really know how to bring it up without it being awkward. At the same time, I don’t want H to feel bad if I just casually come out to her like I will with the large majority of people, especially since everyone else who’s really close to me would know before her, and I might not even be the one to tell her (as in, someone else would reference it and I’d kind of confirm it). I know that it’s my coming out, but I just don’t want her to feel bad or think that I don’t trust her. If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Sorry about having such a long, rambling post.
For me it was easiest to tell my friends first. I just said some random gay pun or something and then after i said like yeah im actually gay that part wasnt a joke.
Yeah, I definitely think it’ll be easiest to tell my closest friends before my parents (I’ve already come out to two of them and I’m planning on coming out to another close friend soon). I have a feeling that a lot of the time my coming out will be gay puns or saying she/her/girlfriend/wife. I guess I’m just trying to figure out if I should wait to come out to my friend (H) until she comes back, which would be after I come out to my parents, or if I should try to come out to her through some pretty awkward text before she gets back home and before coming out to my parents.
Definitely wait until she comes back. And don’t make it a big announcement. If the topic of sexuality comes up, mention it when appropriate. You said she’s open minded, so I doubt she would have a problem with you coming out. Perhaps she wouldn’t want you to talk about it nonstop but I think she’d appreciate that you’re comfortable enough either her to tell her.
callistia.....Whether you come out to your friend or your family first makes no real big difference. What's actually more important is how you come out to them. The decision could be based on their personalities and any opinions that they have previously expressed concerning the LGBTQ Family. In situations where the reaction might not be initially favorable, a non face-to-face approach is often a good idea. A letter is better than an email which is better than a text. OK....that's my opinion and even though I am a baby boomer, I am also a intense techie nerd who would go through withdrawal if I don't have my iPhone, iPad and computer within reach 24/7! The point of non face-to-face is that you are not present so that a potential disagreement/argument can't take place before people have had a chance to consider what you've said and think it through. If you choose that approach, there are sample coming out letters here on empty closets. Go to the "Home" screen. At the top there are links, one of them is "Resources". Click that link and there will be a box on the left with a link to coming out letters. If you think that an in-person coming out will work...I would still suggest that you still sit down and write a letter...for you, not for them. It will help you organize your thoughts, include important things, exclude unimportant things. You can use the letter as a kind of "script". It will help you navigate a very stressful experience. Of course this advice is only for when you are planning in advance to come out to a certain person. I have only come out twice to someone without planning it in advance. While they all went well, those two times were the most awesome experiences I've ever had coming out. They are the last two people that I have come out to, I guess I've matured a little and the process is not as terrifying as it used to be. What was so exciting about them was that I was just talking to these guys and in the middle of the conversation I thought; "Wait...am I coming out to him? and holy crap...I did, I just came out to him!!" It was such a surprise. The first guy I happened to already know he was gay. The second guy, I thought was straight, but he was actually coming out to me at the same time! We both realized what we were doing and just stopped for a moment...then we bot laughed and hugged. We then sat down and talked about it for about an hour...it was amazing! Hope some of my rambling will help. Keep us updated on how it goes...you are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! .....David
Thanks for the advice! I think you’re right, it probably would be best to wait until she comes back from her trip. My sexuality probably wouldn’t come up unless that’s the conversation topic or if it’s somewhat related (future spouse, dating, etc). Thank you for your help! I think I might’ve seen your advice about writing a letter on another thread (from my pre-coming out lurking on the Coming Out section). I’ve just been doing it for my parents, but I might take that advice for my friend as well (or perhaps write some sort of general outline). I’ll definitely check out the letters that you mentioned. I’m hoping that the two experiences you mentioned will be more similar to how I come out after my parents know. For now, though, I won’t be coming out to that friend (she doesn’t get back until late July at the earliest), however I will be spending time with one of my close friends (she’s similar to the other close friends that I came out to in June in the sense that there is an extremely high probability that she’ll be supportive and accepting) in about a week, which is when I’ll come out to her.
