Could my friend possibly be asexual

i’m in a similar situation to your friend and i get uncomfortable talking about relationships because i’ve never had one - it’s a combination of just not knowing what to say and external pressure from society that sometimes makes me feel weird for never having had a relationship/date/proper crush even though i am not embarrassed of it or think something is wrong with me or whatever. i just don’t like having to explain myself (and people DO ask questions if you’ve never even been on a date past your twenties) and i can’t relate to people’s experiences, so what is there to talk about anyway? it also is a little confronting to see people be super comfortable with talking about it when it makes me uncomfortable so it’s easier to just avoid it, y’know?

your friend could have a ton of reasons to be uncomfortable when the topic of relationships comes up, and while asexuality could be one of them, there are a lot more reasons that could be behind this (bad experiences, embarrassment, or like me, not figuring out my sexuality until recently and still doubting it too much to discuss it). you could ask her if there’s a reason she’s uncomfortable talking about the topic, but sometimes there are just topics certain people don’t talk about, and that’s ok. love and relationships and those things are considered so “standard” in society that it’s easy to assume everyone should be able to talk about them with people they’re close to, but that’s not necessarily true. that she doesn’t want to talk about it doesn’t have to mean she doesn’t trust you, nor do i think it is something that needs to change per se.

you can make it clear that you’re there to listen and that she can tell you anything, but ultimately it’s up to her to share, and if she doesn’t want to, that’s up to her. that doesn’t mean she doesn’t trust you: some things are just hard to discuss and sometimes people need time and the right circumstances to bring them up. and sometimes they need to figure things out for themselves before they can talk about it.

 

Maybe she's just picky and hasn't found anyone who's right for her yet. She could be waiting for someone who ticks all the right boxes.

 

This is very possible. I'm extremely picky myself. I however, talk about relationships all the time. But I'm not shy and it sounds like maybe she is.

 

I mean, certainly anything is possible, but I wouldn't make too many assumptions about it. It could be anything from shyness to general disinterest to suppressing questions about her sexuality to just not having met anyone she's interested in yet. Asexuality could be on the table as well, but I wouldn't assume it without talking to her about it. Honestly, I don't really talk to my friends about my relationships much, or girls I'm interested in, and that was especially true before I came out.

One of my best friends is a similar case, in that I've known her for 8 years and I've never known her to have gone on a date, nor has she ever mentioned anyone she's interested in. But we've talked enough for me to know that she's not opposed to the thought of dating, nor is she by any means asexual. As far as I can tell, it's just not a priority in her life. She likes her own company and doesn't have a strong drive to date.

 

It's really hard to tell her sexuality because at the end of the day, you're not her. I was in the same type of situation as you: one of my best friends of twelve years seemed to have no romantic or sexual attraction to anyone, had never been on a date, never expressed any interest in anything remotely romantic, and got uncomfortable when asked about it. In her case, she opened up to me a few years later as being bisexual, and she said she struggled a lot with repressing her feelings. It's possible your friend is repressing feelings, sure, but everyone is different. Your friend could be asexual or aromantic, or maybe she has anxiety about dating and chooses to avoid it. There's so many possibilities with your friend, and I know you want to understand and help her out, but really, there's no way of knowing for sure unless she tells you.

My friend who came out as bisexual is still not comfortable talking about relationship stuff with me, so I had to find other people to talk about those things with. I know she's one of your closest friends, and it's hard to resist confiding in her. That was something that I had to work on for some time, but eventually you'll have a support system for yourself to talk about relationships and not make her uncomfortable.

My advice to you is to stop worrying about her. She'll find her way eventually. Society has the tendency to shun people who haven't been on dates or are still virgins well into their twenties, and this is probably causing her some anxiety or shame as well. If you tell her you're worried that she's not dating, that only feeds into the shame. However, by showing her that you support her, no matter her sexuality or if she chooses to date, she'll trust and maybe open up to you one day if something is wrong. I see that you are trying to avoid stepping on her feet and making her uncomfortable, but that's really all you can do. Everything happens for a reason, and she's just not ready to date yet.

 

This all sounds very likely to me. Especially the last part about her maybe being embarrassed to not be in a relationship because of societal pressures. I have felt this way so many times because I've never dated either, and only went out a handful of times, because of extenuating circumstances. It can be hard to be single in a world filled with couples.

 

Honestly, I think if you care this much about your friend, I would ask her about it. It could be an issue of something in her past, it could be that she just hasn't found someone yet, or it could be she's ace/aro. Once again, you're not her, so there's no way to be sure, but if you really want to know, I'd just ask her