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Frustrated and confused....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Out and In, Jun 23, 2018.

  1. Out and In

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    I have posted recently about being gay and married and the struggles of being closeted and wanting to be an out and proud gay man.
    The wife thinks I’m bisexual as that is what I identified as when we met. I suppressed my gay identity and it has got to the point where I just continually think of men, and watch and masturbate to gay porn.
    Sex with my wife is rare and I just find having time to myself where I can be gay is what makes me happy and I can relieve myself of pent up tension.
    Anyway, we went on an overseas holiday and just got back a few days ago. This holiday would either make us or break us. I still love my wife and thought I would try and see if we could reconnect sexually.
    My sexual frustration would be tested as I vowed not to watch any gay porn while away and try to be a loving husband.
    Now I know I am gay but here is where the confusion began. While away all I could stare at were the beautiful women at the resort while at night all I could think of was men while in bed with my wife.
    This went on for about 5 days then I started to feel something for my wife again....a sexual attraction of sorts. I was so sexually frustrated too and one morning we had sex and it was okay. All my focus was on her and I didn’t think of men. I don’t know whether it was because I felt something there for my wife or because she was simply an outlet for my sexual frustration.
    That was the only time we had sex but we stayed close and I continued noticing beautiful women in and outside the resort (my wife is also attractive and beautiful by the way.)
    I would notice hot guys too but wouldn’t let myself stare at them from behind my sunglasses for too long. I refrained from watching gay porn while away and am not sure if not exposing myself to it made me notice women more.
    Now my wife and I are back home and I am sexually frustrated again and we are fighting as usual.
    Last night we slept in separate beds and the urge became too much and I watched gay porn and felt so alive and sexually aroused. It was like I was home sexually and I could just explore my gay desires and be my gay self....hence why after the whole experience I am frustrated and confused!!!
    Please help!!!
     
  2. TrailDog

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    My experience is that my bisexual pendulum swings gay when my relationship with a woman gets rocky. As I look at my Kinsey meter this morning, it's very gay, but then my girlfriend is openly talking about ending the relationship -- partly due to a lack of sexual chemistry. So in the back of my mind, the possibility of ending this relationship and totally coming out gay is really attractive. But I've been here before once or twice, since my 26-year marriage ended a decade ago, and what generally happens is I have a couple of gay hookups, find once again that I don't like men socially, then I'll get on Match and start looking for women. And, yeah, I'm crazy. But as far as the sex goes, I haven't entertained a sexual fantasy about a female since high school. Sexually I'm into men, romantically I'm into women. Hoping to meet the right guy one day and settle all that. Meanwhile, the beat goes on.
     
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  3. Nickw

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    Out and In

    Ask ten bisexuals to describe their sexuality and you get ten answers.

    That said. You may be bisexual or you may be gay. You may be gay+one. You may be gay and not willing to give up your "heterosexual privilege" or that being a gay man will require a big change in your life.

    Personally, I swing both ways (pun intended). But, it is a pendulum for me. I thought this was only because I had never experienced intimacy with a man so when sex with a woman was available and familiar...it was easy and I felt "straight".

    But, now that I have access to both, I am finding I sometimes have almost no interest in men. I find them attractive, but, I am not turned on by a "real" man. Fantasy men...sure. I was the same way for awhile with my wife. I just wasn't feeling it. But, I had a boyfriend for awhile and it was new and exciting. Now, once again, I am into my wife and the thought of being with a man is disinteresting at best.

    My wife and I are in a very good place right now. Probably, the best we have ever been in. And, I want sex with her. And, what's funny is that I notice attractive women more right now. So, I can relate.

    It could be that you need an emotional bond to feel good about intimacy. It could be that you can express your love to your wife sexually even though you are gay. It happens. Sex, can be about love, lust, fun, exploration etc.

    I hope this doesn't put you in a tailspin but I'll say it anyway. When I was a closet bisexual, I fantasized all the time about sex with men. I wanted it so bad. Even though I still enjoyed sex with my wife, I was consumed with the thought that I needed to be with a man. Now, that I have been with a number of men, my gay fantasies are not consuming any longer. I'm back to fantasizing about women again. Have you been intimate with a man?
     
  4. Himo

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    Hi out and in,

    I would love to help you, but i'm in the same position like you. I am in a relation with a woman for 12 years now and our sexual relation is broken. I have errection-problems and i fantasize about sex with men. And she has a "low libido". I had sex with men (maybe 3 times) but still... no errection (i was bottom).

    When i see a woman on the street that is dressed sexy, i realize, that i squint to her. I never had this reaction towards men. But i still fantasize about sex with them... It's very frustrating and confusing when you don't know if you are gay or hetero.

    I told my GF about all this and we see a therapist. The therapist told me, that there are men, that like sex with other men... but are streight. I still can't belive it... how does this go together?! I don't see a future "happy life" with this kind of mindset.

    How are you working on this? Do you wan't to change something? How do you see the future?


    Hey TrailDog,
    Thanks for writing this. You seem to be like me. I ask you the same questions:
    How are you working on this? Do you wan't to change something? How do you see the future?
     
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  5. FooFight54

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    Out and In,
    I feel and act like this too.

    I'm a recovering sex addict (SA) and get frustrated with myself being bisexual or gay.
    Sex with my wife is nonexistent. She questions if I'm Gay. This depression leads
    me to look at both Gay and Lesbian porn. That's bad for an SA as I don't know when to stop!
    Anyhow, I can go a period of time of fantasizing about men and masturbate. But then, I
    get an itch to view lesbian porn and become more aware of how beautiful women are.
    It's definitely a daily struggle but I feel connected with EC and my therapist which helps eliminate my isolation from
    real people.

    I hope you have daily strength and courage!

    FooFight54
     
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  6. regkmc

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    Therapy helps. A Gamma group helps. Meeting real LGBT people helps. I would suspect sex even helps in a way if you are ready for that.

    I have similar abilities to get aroused by gay, lesbian and heterosexual porn. I think it’s ok to like sex!

    I am beginning to deconstruct limiting beliefs about my “self”......and there are an awful lot!
     
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  7. regkmc

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    I would add that for me, enjoying lesbian porn also has served to satisfy the shadow self/ego that needs to believe I love women.....

    I also have thought that the free, more “accepted” loving nature of lesbian porn is a more tolerable same sex interaction for my mind than two dudes screwing.

    I dunno though. Again, it’s hot to see people in rapture.

    Just not too much. Porn is probably best in small doses very occasionally.
     
    #7 regkmc, Jun 27, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
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  8. Out and In

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    Hey TrailDog...I too can relate. When I was single I just found sex with a guy was easier and it just felt natural and normal. But a small part of me would still think of and notice women. I never had a long term relationship with any women but would still have sex with them. There were women I met and had short term relationships with where the sex was incredible but after a while my gay urges would resurface and all I would want is gay sex.
    When I was struggling in the relationship or life in general I would turn to my gay desires to take my mind off my troubles.
    I never really desired living with a guy and could never picture myself shopping or doing those normal things with another guy like I did with women but having sex with a guy consumed me and excited me.
    If my now wife and I split up I know I would dip my toe back in the gay waters and see what I have been missing out on. I too think sex with a man is so much better than with a woman but sex with my wife does satisfy a certain need and I like to express my love for her through it even though I may not enjoy it as much as I do with a man.
    Porn wise it’s gay porn 99% of the time but I still do enjoy occasionally watch lesbian or straight porn based purely on the beauty of the women.


     
  9. Out and In

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    Hey Nickw....yes I have been with men and I have no shame in saying that I liked it...a lot
    I wonder if I was in a long term relationship with a man would I get bored after a while and become curious about women or would all my sexual desires and urges be satisfied and I wouldn’t even contemplate being with a woman!!!
    Sexual fantasies can overwhelm me at times where if I focus on just one thing eg gay porn, it will consume me to the point of not caring about my wife and she senses it. We are doing okay again and I am not watching any gay porn for now but the temptation is always there

     
  10. Out and In

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    Hi FooFight54... I used to ask myself if I was a sex addict but would work out I wasn’t but simply just loved sex and expressing my sexuality either on my own or with someone.
    If I wanted to watch porn, gay or straight, for hours I would but sometimes I would ask myself if I was wasting time when I could be doing more productive things. But sex and masturbation can be a really healthy way to relieve stress and tension. It really helped me when I was alone. Plus I thought, hey I am horny, I have the time and would just listen to and explore my sexuality through porn and masturbation. I have a very strong gay side where when I truly delve deep into it I really connect with my feminine side even though I am a straight acting male.
    But now and then, call it fluid sexuality, I can all of a sudden just want and desire a woman...why? Because they can simply be damn hot and beautiful...frustrating as it is being married to a woman but a part of me loves it and making a connection with my wife where everything feels perfect.
    At the moment I am doing okay but if something happens to affect me is a negative way, I resort to my gay side to help me cope.


     
  11. Out and In

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    As much as I love porn I agree that in small doses it is fine especially if married to a woman. If one is single and needs a sexual outlet then there is never enough porn to satisfy the sexual urges.
    Strange as it is I find watching lesbian and gay porn more natural than straight porn. Two people of the same sex having sex just looks normal and feels right.
    However a man and woman are so different but are made to compliment each other yet the sex can look and feel unnatural...strange I know but sex with my wife can be very good and other times not so good. It depends on so many factors that affect my desire.


     
  12. FooFight54

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    Out and In,
    I agree with your last statement that to cope with life, the gay side of things (ie. porn) tends to help bring balance back.
    I'm such a homophob with my upbringing, but it's so taboo to see men having sex.
    That's why I find it so exciting, more so than viewing lesbian sex.