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Hey, here I am

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Green010, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. Green010

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    Hey,

    I think many of us have the same reason why we´re on this forum. We can´t be ourself out there. However, we have different stories to tell- some of us would love to be and show themselves, some of us don´t want to be themselves (but accept it) and some deny their "real me". Well, I´m somewhere between and that´s why I feel very strange lately. Sometimes I have this huge desire to tell leastwise my best friend who I really am. But then I remember that, once started, I have to tell it to all of my friends, then to my parents and to my family. I´m sure they won´t desert me but I´m equally sure that the truth will change everything and I hate changes.. Well, that is my struggle. I spent a lot of time thinking about my secret and now I came to the conclusion that I need to tell somebody, that I need to talk about it but not with my friends and family- not yet. So, I came across this forum because I didn´t find one where you can talk privately (which I would prefer) or which is not a dating platform. I hope that some people are in the same situation as me and are ready to share their stories, to talk, to discuss and to help each other.

    Greetings,
    Green
     
  2. quebec

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    Green.....Hello and welcome to empty closets. I can relate to how you feel so much! I came out here on EC in Dec. 2104. I didn't tell anyone face-to-face for a full year after that. I just talked and shared here on empty closets. I learned a lot and made friends...as I know you will too. When I did come out to someone irl, the time I spent on empty closets made a very difficult experience a lot less terrifying! I'm glad that you found us.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. Green010

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    Hi David,
    thanks a lot for your welcoming and sry that I haven´t replied to you earlier.
    Yeah, I think we can be glad that we have the internet nowadays in cases like ours.
    Whom did you tell first and how did this person react? Did you feel better after you told someone irl?

    Best wishes,
    Green
     
  4. HDIGH

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    Welcome to EC! I totally understand about wanting a place where you can be open about who you are(w/o it being about hookups/dating). I hope EC can give you the support and place you need, I know it has for me.
     
  5. Green010

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    Thanks!
    Yeah, I never really thought about coming out or even accepting that I might be gay. After having read some experiences shared on EC I see less problems with being gay or bi and I even consider coming out. In real life, I simply don´t have people to talk about that without coming out to my friends or family.
    In what way could EC help you?
     
  6. quebec

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    Hey Green!.....Who did I come out to first? Well, it seems that a lot of my story is the reverse of most people's. Like so many I had to come out to my family...but I'm the father. My oldest son is the pastor of a conservative Christian church...it wasn't easy but it went well. But that's not who I came out to first. I retired four years ago after being a high school band director/theatre director for 41 years. The first person I came out to was a student. Again, not how it usually works. He was a kid who had transferred to my high school specifically to be in my band program. Really talented but from a very small school. There were only four kids in the "band" at his school, while I had 160 kids in band. In fact there were only about 60 kids in his high school, so my band was almost three times the size of his school! Anyway...he was so excited to be able to be in real musical ensembles that he spent most of his time in the band room and we got to know each other quite well. He had been through some tough times at home and I ended up being his "counselor" as well as his teacher. By the time he was a senior, my wife was calling him my "shadow"! He had told me several times about his cousin, who was gay, and how angry he was that some of his family didn't accept him (cousin). So I knew that he was OK with LGBTQ people. In spite of all of this, it took me almost an hour to get the words "I am gay" out of my mouth. He was really patient and encouraged me while I stammered and sweated. He didn't say a word after I finally told him...he just got up came to me and hugged me. I broke down into tears and sobs and he just held on until I could stop. The relief I felt was beyond belief. He was pretty much always around the music room and talking to me, but for the next week or so he practically didn't let me out of his sight. He told me later that when his cousin first came out he was rejected by his parents and then tried to commit suicide. Basically, he was worried about me even though he had totally accepted me. We still call or email each other every year on March 17th...it's become "our" anniversary. Last year, the night before he got married, he visited me and came out to me as bisexual. I wish everybody could have someone like him to be their "first"!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  7. Green010

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    Wow. What a story. But I'm seriously happy for you that you seem content with your decision and that you had/have such a nice person to help you get through. Still, I am really impressed how you could find that courage! It's really honorable that you' re now helping others on EC with such a dedication. That makes you very sympathic!

    So, did your son had some "more problems" with your coming out due to his religious beliefs? And how did your wife react?

    I thought about telling my female friend first. I trust her a lot and she's more tolerant than someone could ever be. However, she might advise me that I should come out to my other best friends too (we're 4 and 3 of us are boys) which would be surely the right thing because they should know it too but with them it's more difficult I guess. Do you think it would be a bad idea to tell it to my female friend but still hiding it to the others?
     
  8. HDIGH

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    EC has helped me realize that first and foremost I am not alone. Relizing and accepting I was bi later in life than many do left me on some very shaky ground. I was questioning everything from past interactions to how I fit in to how people around me would react. Then I found EC and saw people of all ages and sexualities asking the same questions. It helped.
    As to coming out. The first person I came out to was completely by accident. A slip of the tongue when we were discussing something. That first slip though led to my fully coming out. And to be honest each time I've told someone it has caused me worry. How will they react? Will they judge? The vast majority have been supportive. And I know I am happier and freer than I've ever been.
     
  9. quebec

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    Hey Green.....Ok several questions there... Who you come out to, when you do it, where you do it or if you come out at all are always choices that you get to make. No one has the right to know your sexuality unless you decide they should know. So if you feel ok telling your female friend, go ahead. Telling or not telling the others is a separate decision and it's not hiding it if you choose not to tell them!

    Coming out to my wife was extremely difficult. We will have been married for 40 years on July 1st. For a long time after I had accepted myself, I still said that I would never tell my family...that I would take this secret to my grave. After quite a lot of discussion with Jacob (therapist), I began to realize that as long as I kept that secret, it kept it's power over me. It controlled what I said, what I did, where I went....so many things. The only way to destroy that power was to come out so it was no longer a secret. However, as I said above, it was my choice who I told. When I began to understand that I didn't have to come out to everyone, it got a little easier. I finally decided that if I never told anyone else, that I should, at least, tell my wife. Sharing that you are not exactly the person someone has known for so many years is a very difficult thing to do. I managed to tell her in March of 2016. It happened through a waterfall of sobs and tears, but I finally did get the words out. I assured her that I had no plans to make a change in how I/we were living. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend and I had never broken my marriage vows. She accepted me without too many questions. Over the next few days we talked about it several times. She told me that, at first, she just didn't really believe it, then she got a little angry and finally, a lot of strange, little things that had happened over the years began to make sense. Now she will make occasional gay jokes that are actually pretty funny!

    Telling my son was another very difficult thing to do. In November 2016 I was facing a very serious surgery. Serious enough that I needed to go over insurance policies, contents of the safe deposit box, etc. with my oldest son. This was in case he had to help his mother if I didn't survive the surgery. I had decided that I would come out to him as I might not have another chance. I did want him to understand and really know his father. That meant telling his wife too as I refused to ask him to keep a secret from her. Getting those words: "I am Gay" out of my mouth was very hard. Telling family always seems harder than friends. He accepted what I said and told me that because I had never cheated on his mother, it made it much easier to accept. Had I done that, he probably would not have accepted me at all. I had raised him and his brothers in a conservative, Christian Church and I knew that his beliefs on the topic of the LGBTQ community were not very accepting...he does feel that it's a choice. The next morning I had the surgery. It was touch-and-go for a few days, but in the end I did fine. A week or so later he sent me an email with an attachment of a sermon that was titled: "Fully Known and Fully Loved". It was his way of saying that he loved me and accepted who I am. We have seldom talked about it since then, but he doesn't treat me any different at all than before he knew. I am very proud of him!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  10. Green010

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    I' m delighted for you that you had mainly positive experiences with coming out. Well, maybe it's easier if you tell it by accident so you don't have to go through all the tension and you're not able to cop out :grin: for me it probably would be easier because I love to cop out and avoid important/awkward talks. Retrospectively, do you think that your worries were unfounded?
     
  11. Green010

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    Hey David,

    compared to what you have been gone through, my "problems" look like peanuts. But I am really thankful for your openness which helps me in my case. Your wife seems to be a nice person being such understanding and helpful. So does your son. I know it from my family that it's hard for people with strong beliefs to understand people thinking/acting/being differently even if they try. But when they accept you even though it might differ from their beliefs you can be sure that they really love you. (Sorry for my disability to express myself linguistically but English is obviously not my mother tongue).

    I hope you recovered fully from your surgery!

    Yeah, you're right. I probably will tell her first so I ease the burden and will wait till I feel ready to talk with my other friends about it (I suppose she won't tell them before..).

    You told your family that "you are gay". Did you realize that after you married? Or are you kind of bi? Because I had a relationship over a year with a girl although I already knew that I'm more attracted to guys. It wasn't something what you would call a good relationship because I liked her but I wasn't really attracted to her so it felt more like a friendship. At this point, I realized I might be gay, not considering I could be bi either. I find many women attractive and could imagine "more" but it's more common looking at guys. Furthermore, I still see myself with a pretty woman and children sitting happily on a veranda. How has it been with your wife and your marriage (before your coming out)? Have you considered being bi?
     
  12. quebec

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    Green..... There's quit a lot more to the story...beyond what I told you in these posts. I've written about it quite a bit here on empty closets, but I'll give you a quick, condensed version.

    No, I am not Bi. I knew by eight years old that I was different. By about 14 I had a word for it..."Homo"...it was 1964 and that word scared me. I hid until I went to college in 1968, then I just didn't care anymore and was basically out even through I never really had a "coming out". For four years I was just me and I didn't much care what anybody else thought. I met a boy named Tim and we became friends, friends with benefits, boyfriends, lovers. Had it been today, we would have gotten married...we were "soul mates". He died in 1972. His parents found out that we were much more than just friends and I was thrown out of their house and told to "Get my faggot ass off of their property". I wasn't with him when he passed, I didn't get to go to his funeral and have no idea where he was buried. I was completely devastated and turned my back on the gay community. I decided to be straight for the rest of my life. That lead to depression, self-hate, guilt and shame. For 42 years I lived that way, always hiding the real me...even from myself. I repressed the memories of those four years and completely forgot about all of it. I erased that part of my life totally. A year after I came out here on empty closets, I started seeing a therapist. I came out to him and explained that, even though I had never "been" with another guy, I knew that I was gay. Jacob (therapist) was a huge help to me as I gradually worked to overcome all the shame and self-hate that I had built up over the years. Then about a year ago all of those memories started to gradually return. I was astonished to learn that for four years I had been my true self and lived authentically. I remembered Tim and was so happy to know that I had a boyfriend whom I truly loved. Then I remembered his death. Fortunately this time I was much more mature and had Jacob to help me deal with the devastation that I felt. I have now pretty much worked through all of it and can talk about my time with Tim without triggering myself into a break-down. I can remember Tim now and be happy that he and I had our time together.

    So did I know I was gay before I was married....well no, but my subconscious knew and tortured me because of it. My wife and I have built a life together...we will have our 40th anniversary on July 1st. We raised three fine boys and now have 4 1/2 grandkids. I have no intention of messing up my life and my family to go out and have hook-ups. I won't go behind my wife's back...I won't break my marriage vows. I assured my wife of this when I came out to her. We do love each other, although I have to admit that I have never loved her "sexually" . I do love her emotionally. We are best friends and have never had an argument in all those years of marriage. So I am a gay man in a mixed-orientation marriage with no plans for a separation or a divorce. I am out to a number of very close friends...the people that I feel should know. The terrible secret that hurt me for so many years is gone. I am happier now than any time in my life with the exception of those four years in college and particularly, the two years I had with Tim. I may someday tell my other two sons, if there is a reason. My wife and I are happy and she has said many times that I am a different person since I accepted that I am and always have been gay. She sometimes even makes some pretty good gay jokes!
    .....David :gay _pride_flag:
     
  13. HDIGH

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    When I originally realized what I had said it was "oh, that's a thing I said".
    Then it became "OH! WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY? OMG, DENY DENY PUT IT BACK!" lol.
    Fortunately this is one of my truest friends and she helped me breathe and was totally supportive.
    She also helped me realize that while many of my fears and anxieties were unfounded, it didn't make what I was feeling any less real. When I'd get anxious, or scared about coming out as bi I'd get more upset with myself because I'd think "you know you don't have to worry about this, WHY ARE YOU WORRYING? STOP IT!" Which wasn't really a helpful mindset...lol. Learning to accept my feelings, and put them in a proper perspective has made me more able to handle those flashes of doubt and insecurity.
    Would it have been easier to "cop out"? Oh hell yeah. But...I decided I was going to live my life honestly no matter what anyone tried to say. And that "anyone" includes me.
     
  14. Green010

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    Hey David,

    I´m really sorry for your loss and the attending troubles. However, it seems that you´re living a happy life again which is great to hear- also regarding your anniversary!
    And your wife didn´t suspect anything during your long- standing marriage?
     
  15. Green010

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    Yeah, copping out often seems like the best/easiest option in the moment. Congrats that you managed to overcome it!
     
  16. quebec

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    Green.....Thank you for your kind words. No, my wife had no idea that I was gay. The mask that I wore for such a long time was a very good one. I hid from the world and I even hid from myself for a very long time.
    .....David "gay_pride_flag: