I've tried therapy sessions to help me deal with my strong, long term trigger crush. Now seeing if another therapist's approach/perspective can help. Here is what I find interesting. Both have said to me something along the lines: "It is not necessarily that you are into women. You are not gay, right? It is more about her, or issue with your marriage, and that's what we can focus on ". I nod, but eventually tell them that I do find liking women since i've met her. I don't know if they don't believe me, if they don't understand. Have you had therapist tell you something similar?
I'm not an expert, but this doesn't seem right to me. Is it possibly how you approached it or explained the situation? For example, placing more emphasis on this particular woman and less on women in general. Still, I don't think they should be leading you. You should be directing the discussion, talking about what you want to talk about, etc. With my therapist, I told her that I was gay in the initial email and she just took as a given. Didn't question me on how I knew or anything, just accepted it and focused on my current situation. It surprised me, because I sort of feel the need to justify it.
Orchidea123.....I would suggest that you look for a LGBTQ qualified therapist of perhaps even one who is gay themselves. A therapist should not be "telling" you what your problem is, they should be guiding you to help you discover your difficulties. I have been talking weekly to Jacob (therapist) since Dec. 2015. He is gay. He has NEVER told me what my issues are, but with his help I have been able to recognize and deal with a lot of things that had a negative impact on my life. He has literally helped me finally become the best me I have ever been. Please consider this! .....David
I've told 2 therapists I was gay. Neither have really asked for clarification on that, but I was also clear about being "bi" up front before talking about my gay related struggles. When I'm not clear about subjects, is when I get questions, especially my 2nd therapist who I value greatly. She does this to understand me, my experiences, or my situation better, not to undermine my truth. Are the therapists where you're from LGBT+ friendly? Or is being LGBT+ an issue? I can see how this could be interpreted as not validating. I can also see it as less threatening and less accusing for a "straight" person wrestling with sexuality. I could be wrong, but it sounds like they are trying to calrify the situation. You said you just nod and it was after these question you eventually tell them you are gay. It would be wrong for a therapist to assume your sexuality and call you "gay" if you don't explicitly say so first. They might think, "She sounds gay" so they ask questions but you agree you're not necessarily gay. So they might think, "Ok, if she's not willing to accept her sexuality yet we can work on the marriage and relationship issues right now". Bare in mind, some people aren't willing to accept their sexuality even when it's glaringly obvious. Therapists have to be delicate sometimes if people aren't ready to face it. Pushing a topic could destroy trust or cause people to shut down or rage quit therapy. Therapists will work with you on the subjects YOU are willing and wanting to address. They will challenge you when they think appropriate. Why do you think they don't believe you or understand? Something they said or did? Was it how they reacted?
I'm an expert by dint of being out of my gourd for most of my life, and I'm here to tell you there's therapists and then there's therapists, and I really don't like where that comes, "You're not gay, are you?" Was it really said like that? They're not there to give you prescriptive language, to limit your explorations or your self-understanding, to tie you safely to the bollards of heterosexual culture. You tell them who you are, they help you ask the questions. But the answers must be yours. As far as "marriage problems" go, yeah: Not facing up to the fact that I wasn't into women did terrible things to my marriage. Okay, it's over, but I know the score. And if these wonderful people, whoever they are, are skeptical about bisexuality, get yourself to an LGBT therapist quick.
I haven't told my therapist this because I'm afraid she will lump it in with mental health issues. I have no reason to think she would, but I'm scared of it nonetheless. I like the idea of finding someone who specializes in LGBT. In my town that may not be an option, but it would be worth checking out.
Some therapists provide therapy via sky-pe, a conversation is a conversation, right? So if you have broadband, bueno. The trouble with this is your therapist may forget about the camera. I was talking to my therapist this way, and during one particularly poignant passage, he stuck his finger in his ear, got some wax, and ate it in front of me. A nationally famous IFS practitioner, much-published author, no kidding. My lips are sealed. So, lumping sexuality with mental health issues is not the job description, hm. Maybe you're not giving them the benefit of the doubt? Definitely shouldn't be that way.
Orchidea123.....I only get to see Jacob (therapist) in his office about once a month. The rest of the time we skype or facetime. Not quite as good as in-person, but a whole lot better than nothing. Consider it! .....David
Personally, I don't like the way they word things. When I went to therapy, he always asked for clarification on things and never made it seem like he was expecting a certain answer. Sometimes the question seemed so dumb, but he didn't want to make wrongful assumptions. Realistically, if you don't like your therapist for any reason, dump them and find another one.Somebody's money is getting spent, so you have every right to be picky.
I agree with quebec. I have similar experiences. My therapist is LGBT qualified and LGBT himself. I did get some questions concerning my sexuality but in a very respectful way, and without assumptions. @ETASoon If you think the fact you're LGBT is important to be mentioned in the therapy, I think the best thing you can do is just say it if you have the courage to do so. I still don't like the coming out thing either but at the start of the second session I just told him (couldn't do it during the first one, did need to know him a little bit better first). I thought if he's biphobic, at least I'll know it then, and then I can look for someone else for therapy because otherwise this is not going to work.
Hello All.....I really agree with @HM03 said. It's so important to work with a therapist with whom you are comfortable. If you aren't able to establish a rapport in the first few sessions, then making a change is what you need to do. I've been fortunate in finding Jacob (therapist) the first time I went to a therapist. I have told him things that no one else has ever known, or ever will know. If I hadn't been able to connect with him and feel ultra comfortable talking to him, I could have never told him these things. So much of what I have shared with him were critical factors in my path to self-acceptance and learning finally to love myself. Without that complete trust I would have not accomplished anything. Find someone who will listen to your deepest, darkest secret and not judge you in any way. Find someone who will not tell you what is wrong with you, but will guide you to understand, accept and love yourself. .....David
This is a great deal of useful info - thank you all! To clarify, they both had LGBT listed under areas of expertise, and I verified they're open to discuss and have expertise. Although, LGBT was listed among many other areas they are experts in.. I went in with my true story - only straight relationships till meeting her, then the switch and questioning. I am working dilligently on getting over my feelings for her, and actally made a huge progress. But that's mostly due to my own analysis and assessment of what is worthy and what is not. So, both therapists said to me that what I am going through is not necessarily that I'm into women. That it is probably just her, and I should try to see what exactly it was about her that triggered this questioning.. When I hear this, I kind of nod to be polite, say maybe.. But, if they are proposing it is all just her, I fear they can not help me, as they may not understand this situation fully..
The last one suggested focusing on marriage and identifying issues. I don't see anything out of ordinary there to work on.. I honestly feel that the stuff I am dealing with just runs parallel to everything else in my life, that it is my personal changes, and not something stemming from marriage issue..
What’s funny is the only therapist to be homophobic was a lesbian herself. When I started questioning my sexuality, she was insistent I was straight and said she would know. I remember feeling very ashamed. Surprisingly a number of my (assumed) heterosexual therapists have been insightful and supportive because, as stated above, they are trained in LGBT issues. Seek out a therapist who is qualified and don’t hesitate to go see a different one.
I had a very similar experience with my therapist. She first suggested it was just about her, then she switched to my marriage and analyzing what I was not happy with and how to improve it. She has often said I have to treat me being gay and the breakdown of my marriage separately. I believe the core of who I am impacts the breakdown of my marriage because until I accepted I was gay I was complacent with my life. Now it feels unfulfilled. I used to do what you did, I knew I was holding back some things still due to the shame I felt and sometimes I would agree with her by that nod so she would move on from something I was uncomfortable talking about. Not anymore, now I tell her I’m uncomfortable with the direction the discussion is going we talk about that and then we’re able to discuss the original topic. It took me a very long time to trust her enough to do that but the sessions have been much more productive since I have. Just my thoughts. Hugs to you.
