In my last thread I discussed the potential of 'detransitioning.' For a long time I have identified as a binary trans male, but as more time goes on I am not so sure that label is right for me. In fact I do not really regard stopping testosterone - if that's what I choose to do - as detransitioning. More of a redirection in my transition. When I was younger the only options I was afforded was, either you're a feminine girl or you're a boy. I believed that because I dressed and presented masculinely, I must be - or want to be - a boy. For my family it meant I didn't fit their expectations of what a girl should be. So I thought, well, I cannot be a girl then. The gender binary was drilled into me. While I supported nonbinary people, I never thought maybe I was nonbinary. Because it was always "either or" for me. Either I'm a girly girl. Or I'm a man's man. Being a genderqueer person... being someone who maybe could find peace with their gender assigned at birth but express themselves in a way not exclusively male or female... this never occurred to me as an option. The further along in my transition I realize that many aspects of dysphoria have been resolved. And some areas I do not feel as revolted by as I did when I was younger. I have no bottom dysphoria, and am ambivalent about my chest. I always felt like a feminine man - or a masculine woman. Honestly I'm not sure I care what people see me as at this point. So I suppose I write this to say that maybe I was wrong - and I feel like it wouldn't be fair to myself to insist on the thoughts I had as a fifteen or seventeen year old, when I feel differently today. Going through this transition process has been a blessing in many ways and I appreciate all the support you guys have given me. I just feel that at this point... I'm exploring other options. Time will tell if I continue HRT or stop, or with what pronouns I identify. For now I'm just focused on finding who I am - all expectations aside - and what that looks like for my future.
Pronouns and primary/secondary sex characteristic dysphoria are what make you trans, in my opinion. Social expectations and gender roles be damned. Cis males only get their sexuality questioned if they act feminine, and its no different for those who aren't cis. Do whatever you need to do, but don't feel like you have to find a box and fit in it. You're you, and that might change over time and that's okay. Maybe you just need to re-evaluate or re-define how you view yourself, or how you view gender, or whatnot. I wouldn't rush it though.
Well, by definition...? But in general, it's a much broader thing. It's who you are. Femininity, masculinity, maleness, femaleness. Pick what you want from them - this is who you are. Trans, not trans, what the heck does this even mean? It's so subjective! I stopped caring about pronouns, I have to say... They're just words.
One of the things that was most surprising to me when I transitioned was the fact that I did not feel hypermasculine anymore. For me, it was because I was not being forced into a role I did not fit in. I identify as non binary male. I have a more feminine expression, and that is something that I never thought I would have when I first transitioned. I found the more that I was seen as male, the more comfortable I felt in letting my more feminine side come out. Transition is a weird process, because really you are discovering yourself all over again. In a sense, you get to learn who you really are. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow of things and do the best that you can.
That sounds like a really open and healthy attitude And I think it's quite normal to discover new aspects about yourself and your gender once you start to feel more comfortable with some parts of your identity. It's great that your open to discovering new aspects about your identity. It's terribly easy to get stuck with an old image of yourself that does not apply anymore.
