1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out with elderly parents - is it cruel?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ETASoon, Jun 25, 2018.

  1. ETASoon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2018
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Phoenix
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi everyone! New here and have only recently come out to myself. I used to joke around and I've always said I knew I was somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale, but at 41 years old I've finally allowed myself to be a woman who wants an intimate relationship with another woman. I haven't explored anything - I am staying in my tiny home town until October, taking care of my parents who are in their late 70s and in poor health. In October I will return to my life in Phoenix, AZ. I won't take any action in person for now, because this is a very small town. When I get back to Phoenix, I can date women but I can't post to social media about it because my mom sees it. It's so strange that I feel this way, because she is absolutely an LGBTQ supporter. My dad was pretty homophobic when I was growing up but has softened a lot on the issue. Still, he has a heart condition and I wouldn't want to stress him out. I can't imagine either of them have the slightest inkling about it. I'm afraid they would be so confused and frightened. I don't know what they think about the fact that I have gone 15 years without a truly serious relationship with a man. I never thought to try with a woman before, but that's where I am now. I hate to say this, but it's true: Part of me wants to just stay in the closet until they pass away. My mind says that after that, I can do whatever is in my heart without experiencing the guilt of causing them stress and pain in the last years of their lives. On the other hand, I'm sure my mom will notice that I am withdrawing a little and not sharing the truth about my life with her, even from 2000 miles away. I'm not sure what is right and what is wrong. I guess for now I'm putting off this question until I have begun actively dating women.

    tl;dr: Has anyone struggled with whether or not to come out to elderly, sick parents?
     
    DayHiker likes this.
  2. Love4Ever

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2018
    Messages:
    2,696
    Likes Received:
    1,219
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    :hearts:In times like these think it can be helpful to try and imagine what it must be like for the people you want to come out to. Imagine for a moment that you are your parents and your child came to you to tell you that they like the same sex. How would that make you feel? Now imagine if your child kept that a secret from you, never talked about it, hid it, became more withdrawn and distant in an effort less to protect themselves than to protect you. How would that make you feel? Now consider this further and imagine never knowing the truth. Not being here one day, and having never been told the truth because your child was so afraid of what you might think that they kept it all bottled up inside. Think about spending your last years with them knowing, or conversely, having no inkling, that your child is hiding such an important piece of who they are. Consider that you will never get to meet this child's partner, never meet any grandchildren if that is a possibility, never truly know your own child and know they had a whole life that was hidden from you because they were scared you'd disapprove. Think about how much you'd miss.
    I think you need to tell them.
     
    #2 Love4Ever, Jun 26, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2018
    ETASoon likes this.
  3. ETASoon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2018
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Phoenix
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Wow, those are some powerful words! I think you are absolutely right - and now I can see that my hesitation is more from my own fear of awkwardness or feeling exposed than anything. My mom is the kind of person who would welcome a partner with open arms, it's just that I would feel squicky about telling her. Her heart would break if I kept it from her, and she has this almost psychic connection with me where she can tell when something's not going well for me, even if we are thousands of miles apart and I don't tell her anything. My dad is in early dementia, but he would probably be happy to see me happy. Telling them is actually not the selfish thing to do - not telling them is, however.
     
    Love4Ever likes this.
  4. Mindy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2017
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Id have to agree. My mom passed away last month and I tried soo many times in the last year to tell her Im transgender. I dont have the chance to tell her in person, but she knows and is ok with it. Its amazing at the little signs you get. I finally came up with the courage to tell a family member and a very good friend. Both of them were just fine with it and said you need to press forward no matter what. All I can say is that sharing the truth did take 100 pounds off my shoulders. I know some will give me some blow-back. Its not realistic to think that wont happen... but at a minimum Id rather be honest and let people feel how they will- even if to my detriment. Best of luck with your decision.
     
    ETASoon likes this.
  5. ETASoon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2018
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Phoenix
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks so much - I appreciate your experience
     
  6. HM03

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2013
    Messages:
    2,623
    Likes Received:
    508
    Location:
    Pergatory
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    My dad and I have greater than normal father-son age difference - I'm 21 and he's 65. I realize thats a bit younger than your parents and I'm not sure it that's considered "elderly enough" in your books.

    My dad is a nice guy, but he's said some shitty things about gay people. My mom is terminally ill, which places a lot of stress and emotions on my dad. For awhile I felt so bad coming out to him, since he's got enough stuff to deal with. While he hasn't explicitly said anything (that I'm gay, that my boyfriend is my boyfriend), he gave a sappy little speech when I came out, and seems okay with my bf. Never underestimate your parent's love for you and now it may change their views on things.

    Since my lumberjack, conservative dad was so okay with it, it makes me wonder how my mom would have taken it. But I missed the boat on that one.

    It really depends on your parents and you.

    How is their mental quality? Will they be able to literally understand what being gay is? If you don't come out, how will you feel 5, 10 , 15 years down the road wondering what if? What is the likelihood that the honesty will improve your relationship with them? Even if your parents will never be at the pride flag waving level, will they be able to get to the point where they will dismiss whatever their views on LGB are in order to see you happy?

    When you get older and your health starts to fail, some people become absolute bitches. However, when faced with poor health, and in some cases, death on the somewhat distant horizon, lots of people easily throw away minor differences and disputes with those they love.

    Hopefully not too rambley of a post, its just relatable lol
     
    DRobs likes this.