For context, I’m a 27 year old gay girl, not yet out at all (but hopefully that’s soon to change). I’ve been working on various versions of letters to give to family members. The letter for my mum and dad (who I still live with) will be a more detailed longer one which I think I will leave for them to read whilst I go out for a day.. The letter for my extended family (aunties, uncles, cousins etc) will be shorter and I’ll probably send that via a message of some kind.. I want to come out to them myself in that way I think so my parents don’t have the pressure of coming out for me! Living in the closet so many years and the results of that have meant I don’t have that many close friends, so it’s not really an issue with friends. Work colleagues/friends more, so but I’ll deal with that soon after the family! I’ve promised myself I’ll come out before my 28th birthday! That’s October! I’ve promised myself this every year for years and years, but this time I mean it! I’m coming out for myself, not because I’m in a relationship, in fact I never have been. Anyway to point of this..... I’m currently on holiday (with my parents) and it’s beautiful. But I can’t help let my mind wander to what I’ve got to do in the next 2 months when I get home. I’m feeling that many different emotions about the thought of coming out. They literally change hour to hour. Sometimes I feel utterly terrified of coming out, I look at my parents, our relationship and this amazing holiday and think I can’t believe I could ruin all this so times like this will never happen again... Then I feel equally terrified of NOT coming out. I look around and see so many happy couples everywhere, all of them straight mind you! I hate the thought that I can’t have that right now because I’m in the closet. I’m jealous of what these random people have?! Jealous that they can just walk into breakfast at the hotel as a couple and no one thinks anything of it, jealous that I haven’t got that experience with a partner and never will if I don’t find the courage to come out. Then I feel excited, that if I go through with coming out like I’ve promised myself before October, this time next year that could be me and my future girlfriend (who hopefully I’d meet!) walking on the beach, eating, sleeping, talking... just living?! Then I’m back to fear again and doubt and what if I’m all wrong and I’m straight and they don’t believe me because I’ve got no girlfriend or relationship experience to prove it. And do I even believe myself that I’m gay. Then a hot waitress brings my drink to our table and puts her hand on my back... wow... I think I’m gay... Then back to excited.... Can anyone else relate to this experience of feeling so so many different intense feelings before you come out.. its truly mind blowing and I can’t decide whether it’s a sign I’m ready to make the leap or a sign I’m not.. Any thoughts, advice or experience would help?
I can definitely relate and I'm sure many others can as well. As for what those feelings mean in your case, it's a tough call, and I don't think anyone else can tell you. Some people may disagree with me on this but I don't think you have to come out in order to have a same sex relationship... if you're cautious. I know you still live with your parents so I appreciate that this could get difficult. But it might be worth just trying if you're having niggling doubts. As far as thoughts and advice go, if I were you I would make sure you have at least one good friend to fall back on (or at least someone you know will be there for you if you need it.) Failing either of those maybe consider having some sort of professional support on stand by (if you can afford it) just in case everything turns south or something really unexpected happens. Even if your parents say they are supportive it might take a while for them to process what you're telling them and come to terms with it.. so they might not be able to support you right away. What I'm saying is they might want to appear supportive right away but it could be a false start.
i can relate to everything you say but from experience i will tell you to watch out for: - putting a date to come out as it puts more pressure than decrease it. - idealize that if you come out in a year youll have a girlfriend. i use to think like that aswell and when i havnt got that girlfriend despite coming out i have felt really disappointed other than that i wish you all the best and all the courage that you need
Thanks for the reply! And for confirming you get where I’m coming from with the mixture of excitement and fear and every feeling in between! I’ve never felt it all quite so intensely before so I can only hope that means I’m nearer to finally getting there and coming out to people. I know what you mean about the setting of date or time limit. But how the hell do you make yourself do it otherwise!? Just wait till it feels right one day!? Because I feel like I can’t afford to wait as long as that might be, I’m never gonna stop feeling scared!? The sense that I’m losing precious years of my life is a pressure and a feeling that gets more intense by the day. Just looking around at what young straight couples have and what I can’t even allow myself the CHANCE of having right now physically hurts and definitely is a factor in pushing me in the right direction. As far a idealising I’ll have a girlfriend. I know it’s not that simple and realistically I know that might not happen. But if I’m in a place where it could happen, where I’m dating and making gay friends and I could be honest about it if it did happen, then that would be a step in the right direction wouldn’t it.
Thanks for your reply. I understand what you mean about having a relationship before coming out. And if the right situation had occurred before now and a girl had come along who I had feelings for which were reciprocated (ie she wasn’t a straight girl or unavailable... because there’s been plenty of those!) then I would have gone for it without question! As in I would have kissed her, had sex, had a ‘relationship’ whatever would have happened..! The fact is though it hasn’t happened and I’m not really prepared to go there now with all the complications it’s causes being in the closet. If it happens to happen by some miracle that I meet that girl before I come out then so be it. But that’s unlikely and what I don’t want is to start actively looking for a girl to date when I’d be knowingly dragging her into the mess of my coming out and also it would make it harder for my parents to accept me if they had to accept a new girlfriend at the same time. AND like you say, having that type of relationship in secret whilst still living with my parents is far from ideal. I’m sure you’re right, and my parents, particularly my mum won’t be ok with it for a while. I’ve tried admitting to being gay before but just resorted to shoving myself back in the closet because of the reaction. I know I’ll need some kind of support but where that’ll be from I don’t know. Maybe a therapist would be a last resort like you say. I really do want to tell my parents before anyone, then if my work colleague/friend is in the right place at the right time I guess that’d be the natural progression. Who knows. It’s so hard to plan.
Hi Blue! I´m pretty sure we´re going through something very similar. I´ve recently watched this movie called "Love, Simon" and your name has been used there too - coincidence? Well, this movie inspired me to look for some people to talk about coming out and so on. I liked the movie because I could really identify with the main character and his troubles. How would you assess your family? Are they quite liberal? Because my family is mainly tolerant (2 gays in family, brother is left- winged, mother is empathic, only my grandmother and my father wouldn´t take it that easy I suppose). However, I fear they won´t see me the same way they´re seeing me right now (which is cristal clear) - and I think we´re having a good time lately. I don´t want to ruin that. As in the movie, I would love to wait till college and live carefreely ever after- but I know myself and I will wait longer and longer... Have you already told it to some people and who do you want to tell first? Well, if you feel more comfortable with that, maybe it´s the best thing you can do. But don´t you think you should be present at your coming out? I think people react differently when they hear the news from yourself instead of reading them, although their reaction could offend your feelings whereas reading your coming out gives your people time to think about it and to collect themselves so they won´t say something that they could regret later. However, I think that I´d choose "the face-to-face- coming out", although it´s harder. But if you´re sure, it shouldn´t be a big effort. I understand you so much in this one. I was so close coming out to my female friend but then I realize that I have to tell it to my best male friends with whom I usually exchange every single secret but I fear so much telling them this one. I don´t know but it seems so strange telling my buddies that I´m into guys although I talked with them about hot women and all this "boy stuff". I fear that after coming out my relationship with them will change negatively simply because I have lied to them and because they might find it weird having a best male friend who is gay. Sorry, I just used your problem to talk about mine. But maybe we can help each other because, how I have said, we´re pretty similar. Maybe we´re making us too much trouble. Maybe they´re glad and proud that we trust them so much that we´re telling them our biggest concerns. You said you´re having a great time together... The main character of "Love, Simon" did also come out to his parents on Christmas. In theory, Christmas and holiday should be occasions when the family comes a little closer. So, why shouldn´t it also be the perfect occasion to tell your parents who you really are? Well, sorry for the long reply but your post caused a lot of thoughts in my mind. Thanks for that! Love, Green
I quickly read your post, so hopefully I'm not missing anything. You said your mom won't be okay with it initially. I completely agree with you, support is always good! The very first person I told I wasn't even close to, I just knew she'd be okay with it. Nothing became of that besides practicing coming out. Then I came out to my best friend, brother, then dad. I can't imagine doing all these coming outs without my best friend. I honest;y don't think I could have told my dad without telling my brother first. The support was nice, but it's also nice to have somebody who can help analyze your situation, except they aren't nearly as blinded by fear compared to you. Coming out to a therapist could be a good start, like you said. You just need to build up your "gay confidence" and practice coming out lol. Some people don't react the way we want them to. Some people never get over it. But I'd like to believe that eventually parents and everybody else love you enough to get over it. Who doesn't want to see their own daughter happy?
I know I'm pretty late to this thread, but I just found this website and WOW. This is seriously everything I have been feeling lately and I couldn't exactly put it into words, they were just a million thoughts scrambled around in my mind. I've been feeling everything so intensely recently too and I feel like I'm finally ready to tell someone. I've wanted to several times, but I always make excuses so I get where you're coming from on how else are you supposed to make yourself do it if you don't set a time limit. I have not come out to anyone yet, so I'm not really of much help to you, but so much of what you said is exactly like what I've been thinking. The fear, the excitement, the doubt because I haven't had relationship experience to "prove" it, that legit same scene of looking at the people around me wondering if I'll ever be able to have that. I feel like I am in a very similar mindset to you, but with slightly different circumstances. Reading your post and the replies you've received has helped me start to wrap my head around my own situation, so I just wanted to say thank you for posting this!
Hey! I’m glad my ramblings helped a little. To say I’m feeling it all intensely at the moment is an understatement. My anxiety which had all but disappeared a few months ago is through the roof. I can barely function expect working, sleeping and curling up in a ball. I feel too sick to eat and weight is dropping off me. It’s awful and hard and I just want to come out to see if it can put a stop to what I’m feeling even just a little bit. I have my letters pretty much finished but writing them has been so hard, it’s made me get increasingly anxious the more real it seems. Even just reading the letters through makes me feel physically sick. So god knows how I’m actually going to cope with someone reading them. Anyway hope you’re journey to coming out run smoothly and isn’t as painful as mine. But if it is know you’re not alone in feeling everything so much
