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Moving farther ahead...fear, excitement, reluctance, and relief.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Caraldo, Mar 23, 2018.

  1. Caraldo

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    My wife and myself are seperated, but living in the same home. It will be a while before we formally divorce for a number of reasons. However, within a couple of weeks I will be moving out, and another step towards a new life will be made. We had a very productive discussion. We have decided that we will now refer to each other as ex-wife and ex-husband, she feels this will psychologically make it easier for her to not feel like she's cheating when trying to meet men. She also hopes we can someday completely rebuild our friendship. We both have anger issues, but in the first time in a long time our relationship seemed almost healthy. But I also feel some depression in the fact that I did at one time enjoy being her man, and while it was mostly fantasy, the love was real. Every step I take, like coming out to my boss this week, makes it hard to even fantasize about being the "real man" I always wanted to be, more acceptance that I am who I am. Sorry for the ramble. Just putting this out there. No specific question, just venting and inviting any thoughts someone might like to contribute.
     
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  2. SkyWinter

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    Why are you coming out to your boss?
     
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  3. Caraldo

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    Long story, but I have been looking to leave my job, its a small family run business, and in my field I have lots of opportunity to go to work on the road with big time companies, and as I having been coming out, I haven't at work because I fear judgement of coworkers, mainly because they probably will resent the fact that I am not the guy they thought I was . So my boss, wanted to find out why I was leaving, if it was related to my divorce. I don't live in the biggest of towns, and there have been whispers about me for years anyway. But the ex-wife and I have sizeable well known families. My boss knows a lot people outside the company that know me and she had heard rumors and asked if I was gay and I said yes, and she was very reasuring and made it known that it didn't affect my work status. She also said she wasn't one to discuss anyone's private life and gave me a raise to boot.
     
    #3 Caraldo, Mar 23, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2018
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  4. Patrick7269

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    Caraldo, way to go on coming out! I’m glad that you’re taking these steps to be out.

    You mentioned that you feel less like you can be a “real man” the more you come out. I’d like to explore that a bit.

    In my opinion, we as gay (or bi, or trans, or questioning) men experience homophobia because we go against an old, established model of masculinity. Masculinity can be strong, protective, and loving, or it can be lustful, angry, and hurtful. Unfortunately in our modern society, we see lots of toxic masculinity.

    I invite you to redefine masculinity for yourself, and see how you can feel masculine in your own way. I think you’ve already begun this with coming out, and with your discussion with your boss. Real men are honest, accountable, and forthright. You are absolutely a “real” man, and if you don’t feel that way, I believe it’s only because of some of the less than healthy masculinity in the world. I hope you’ll own your masculinity as you come out and be proud of it.

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick
     
    #4 Patrick7269, Mar 25, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2018
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  5. Caraldo

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    @Patrick7269 I guess I should clarify my statement. I'm a repressed storyteller, i.e. major daydreamer. I have often tried to imagine a life where I wasn't gay, that my wife wasn't mentally ill, that I was down the deep well I have lived I have spent the majority of my adult life in. "Real man" referred to my perception of other peoples definition of how it should go. I'm in a very masculine career, have pursued other activities and other careers perceived as such. When I was little, I wanted to be a firefighter or a nurse(most likely inspired by the show Emergency!). I was aware by this time I wasn't like the other boys, and I knew never to say I wanted to be a nurse. I became a volunteer firefighter for sometime, and I almost majored in nursing in college, but fear of how others might perceive that prevented me from following that path. My father was a pretty good athlete in his day, but he was always critical of macho culture. When I decided that I wasn't interested in playing football anymore, I told him, worried that he would be disappointed. He told me that if I didn't love it, there were better things to pursue. He never bought the conventional definitions of manhood. But I felt I had to, and that is all I meant. Maybe someday I'll start to define my vision of masculinity, but right now I am concentrated on just being good with being an authentic me.❤
     
    #5 Caraldo, Mar 26, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2018
  6. Markster

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    Thank you Caraldo for posting and thank you Patrick for the meaningful reply. My coming out, which started in January, has been the most masculine task I have ever undertaken.
     
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  7. Caraldo

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    Just wanted to update this thread. I didn't have a chance to participate in pride events in my community last week, but I came out to some friends, and it was nothing but fantastic. No big deal, some well we kind of knew, and a lot of love. Affirming love.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    Congratulations! Pleased to hear it went well. :slight_smile:
     
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  9. MapleCross

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    I want to add my bit. But first congratulations on coming out to more people. The most important thing in life is for me captured in an old saying "to thy self be true". I see that you are on that journey to being really true to yourself, the real you that you have hidden for so many years. Out of interest when you said you did not become a nurse because of your fear of how other people would see you, this tells me that you have been ruled by that fear of what other people may think about you. Real masculity is being true to yourself and not being ruled by what other people may think about you. That is freedom when you can say I do not care what others think about me I am being true to myself. I wish you luck in this as it is not easy as we are all brought up to be nice and to please other people so what they think about us is important. This is a trap many of us fall into, so good luck in getting out of that trap
     
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