I need some relationship advice. For starters, I feel like there is an issue in my relationship; my girlfriend does not. So first question, is there an issue, or is it all in my head? My gf is very busy (working two jobs and going to school part time). So we never get to see each other, I mean literally an hour a week if I’m lucky. And it’s usually just a quick dinner out or drinks at a bar with friends, so no ‘alone time’. I understand that she is busy, I remember those days, and I don’t blame her at all. But other than that hour a week, we don’t really talk. If I send a message, it typically gets ignored. I might get an “I love you” or “I miss you” about midnight. But no response back and no conversation. I miss her, like I really f-in miss her. I feel so disconnected from her. She swears that there is no problem, that I am crazy (I do have really bad anxiety). She says that she always tries to respond to texts, but just cant. And that she always makes time to see me, no matter how much work she has or how exhausted she is. But I just feel like an hour a week is just not enough. I know she has homework, but there is no way she should have homework every single night. She’s only taking three classes. And it’s not like she has work-work to do, both of her jobs are ‘leave it at the door’ types. I’ve tried offering help and solutions and doing whatever I can, but she just says she’s fine. So what are your thoughts? Does it sound like we have a problem? I have talked to two good friends about the perceived issues and received totally different opinions. So question two is, what is the issue? And how do I fix it? A mutual friend believes that there is something wrong. She has noticed a change in GF, they no longer hang out or talk (were previously best friends). She said she seems distant and checked out. She also agrees that there is no way that she has that much homework (she’s in the same program). She won’t really say what she thinks the problem is, but she says it’s over. That she believes GF has given up. My friend, who knows GF, but isn’t really friends with her, thinks the problem lies with me. She said that she thinks GF is annoyed and disappointed in my lack of initiative and goals. Backstory - I recently had a major career setback that resulted in loss of licensure. Now I am struggling to find a job outside of menial labor because my career is ruined and I have a useless degree. All this has sent me into a pretty depressive spiral. I am doing better now, but it has taken a couple months to get back on my feet. Anyway, my friend believes that me not really doing much with my life is causing the issues. She believes that I need to go back to school, get a good job, and get my life back on track in order to win her back. It’s not that I disagree with needing to move on and find a career, I just can’t. I’m not ready. I loved my previous career and am still in a bit of denial that I’ll never get to work in that field again. I also can’t see myself doing anything else. And I know that initiative is sexy, but isn’t the whole point of “for better or worse” that everything doesn’t have to be going perfectly to be loved? So who is right? Are either of them right? What do I do? Honestly, any advice or opinions will help. Thanks for reading my super long post
My ex-gf used to have a rule (she was very closeted when we were dating, which is understandable), and that rule was to avoid suspicion, I could only see her, on average, once or twice a year in the 3 years we were together, and it was only for dinner, so the same like your situation. However, we texted constantly--every day. Fast forward, she cheats on me, then gets cheated on by the girl she cheated on me with, comes back in my life and reveals that while still in the closet, she would see this girl almost every week, as well as texting. Bottom line: if you really matter to someone, they will make the time for you--more than an hour. You and your gf both want different things. You want someone more present and attentive, and she wants to focus on herself. All of that is cool, but it's unfair to both parties if compromise can't be made. I learnt my lesson for being an idiot and believing my ex's rules were the norm. I am currently in a relationship where we are both super busy during the week and still try to make time to see each other on weekends. Sometimes, due to family obligations, friend obligations, or just life in general, our weekend visits are short--never an hour short though. But those are not the norm, and understandable because of life (and this gf is also in the closet with her fam too). If you think she is worth the wait, stay. If you want someone who will be there, leave. Not everyone will treat you like this.
At the moment, you're not happy in the relationship, so yes, there is something wrong. It sounds like your girlfriend is really busy at the moment and perhaps your relationship is not her primary focus, but still, I think an hour a week, combined with limited contact outside of this, is not enough to keep a relationship going. How often did you see each other when you were working? How long have you been together? The mutual friend has kind of indicated that something has been going on for your girlfriend. Given the recent stress that you've been under, is it possible that she has been going through something of her own, but has felt able to tell you? How has she behaved around you whilst you've been depressed? Was she supportive? Perhaps she feels unable to help you, so doesn't know what to do? As for your work situation. A girlfriend worth having should be understanding and support you through the rough times. It doesn't sound like you're ready work yet. Regardless, how would you going back to work make your girlfriend more available? I think you need to have a discussion about this with her. Think about what you want from a relationship and where your boundaries are.
An hour a week would not be enough for me. If some weeks you had a lot longer and then others not so much, then I would be fine with that but she probably gives more time to friends and family, as an hour is nothing. If you really want someone in your life then you can find the time. Everyone has busy lives with work and study etc.
