Hello everyone, sorry to post again so soon I have a bit of a problem. I have used nicknames (really just alternate names) since high school and finally picked Emmett as my ‘final’ new name. I think it suits me and my bf adores it, even said he considered it as a name for me before I ever brought it up The issue? My mother. I’ve always been honest with her about my name changes and she allowed them. This time I tried to have the same open communication. It didn’t go very well. In fact, it blew up in my face. Or at least she did. I have never in my life heard my mother scream like that. She mistook my name choice (which personally I think is masculine but still passable for a girl) as coming out as a trans man (which I am not), said that if I made that decision I should just ‘stay home then’ (as in not attend college) and that her and my father would cut off all support, financial or otherwise. She also told me using a different name was a childish decision. So to avoid the wrath of god I lied and said I wouldn’t use it, or a nickname at all. Here’s the thing; like 4 hours later I brought it back up and she said that she would love me, even if I became a man, even if I committed murder. Needless to say I’m extremely confused and now faced with a problem. I already told my roommate about my name and frankly I don’t want to change it just because my mother threw a fit. At the same time I’m afraid of losing financial support, but 1) considering what she said later in, and the fact my mother is notorious for saying horrible things she doesn’t mean when she’s angry, I don’t really know if she’d truly do that. 2) I don’t know if she meant she’d cut off support if I was trans man or if I used the name Emmett. But now I’m so nervous that she will find out about me using the name on move in day, like what if my roommate or thier parents refers to me by Emmett in front of her? I did tell my roommate about the situation but if her parents don’t know or if she forgets? Or am I overthinking this and that’s unlikley to happen... Just.. an entire miserable layer of anxiety has been added to my life and has just killed my exitement for my first year of college. And I don’t want that. Just... any advice? Do you think she really would cut off financial support, even despite the difference of what she said right after and then later? Am I being stupid to risk that just to use a different name, even though it’s incredibly important to my self image? Is it likley she will even find out? Any reassurance would very much help right now. Thank you.
Probably not what you want to hear or what other people would say...but I think people generally say exactly what they mean when they're angry. That doesn't mean she will cut off financial support if you use "Emmett"...just that I think people's true feelings come out in the heat of the moment (and when they're drunk), when they don't have time/ability to think about what's "appropriate" or "acceptable" and censor themselves accordingly. That's why I never truly accept apologies in situations like this (although if you're family or a good friend, I'll still act like we're cool...just won't ever forget what you said or believe you didn't mean it, and if you're anybody else I'm basically done with you for good) and definitely don't accept "I didn't mean it." What she said later was not only her more "rational," thought-out response, but it also doesn't really contradict what she said before. It's not as if she came back and said, "Of course I wouldn't ever cut you off financially." She just said she'd still love you. Stuff like this is why I always tell people not to come out until they don't "need" their parents anymore for anything, for lack of a better way to put it (because you do always need your parents emotionally). I also don't really think of "Emmett" as a gender-neutral name. I do have a gender-neutral nickname I use (I am not trans, but I probably truthfully am an atypical type of genderqueer in that I was born a woman, look like one and want to look like one but just mostly don't feel like one), and my mother knows about it but has no clue what its purpose is, lol. I also never used it in school (considered it, though), don't use it at work, but I use it in every other situation--so with most friends, exes and acquaintances, for example, whom I'd tell to call me by my birth name if they were ever around my family. I did when I was a kid insist everyone call me "Danny," and back then it wasn't the gender-neutral name it is now. Funny thing is now I can't get my mother to stop calling me that, even though I go by a nickname that comes from my middle name and is one that you won't see too many people/women being called, which is perfect to me (unlike Danny). So, I guess I'm saying there are other names out there that aren't as triggering for your mother, given they are not attached to any particular gender or are too unique to be attached to a gender. That particular name "Emmett" shouldn't be so important to you to risk anything. Or you could do as I currently do and make its use situational. Sorry--I'm not the person to talk to if you want anything other than [my] "truth" or reassurance that doesn't quite go with [my] "truth."
And I don't think people always say what they think rationally when angry. Sometimes rage or fear can take over and we say how we view the situation - in worse colours than it really is. Maybe your mom needs time to come around? Judging by how mixed feelings she has. At least it's good her reaction was not all bad. You are your own person, you don't need your parents when moving to college and you don't need them around friends and you don't need their permissions to do what you want... especially when it is as non-binding as a name change. Hormones might be a different pair of shoes, but name? Really? And if you liked to eat different things than your family then what? Or had different hobbies? That is the class of the problem. Don't change your name for your mom. Do so only if you feel like it. But just in case, have a backup plan and a money reservoir that would suffice for survival untilmyou can get hired. That sets you in a lot better position when you can afford saying goodbye to your family.
