Desperately lonely and unhappy

Hey Ben,

I'm sure there is someone out there for you. Internet dating apps aren't for everyone and they are definitely not worth losing your mental health over.There are other ways of meeting people (perhaps through friends?). Please don't let these experiences reduce your confidence. The right person is out there and you'll find them eventually.

 

Do you have a pride festival near you or could you travel to one of the bigger ones? Volunteering sounds a good idea too so I would look into that more.

 

Instead of focusing on dating apps and trying to find happiness through others, how about taking an introspective look at yourself and figure out what makes you happy? Happiness comes from within, not necessarily from others. And once you find how to be happy with yourself, others can see that about you; which is very attractive.

Also, you commented that you got messages from people you did not find attractive. I am EXTREMELY skeptical that a photo and a few lines of text do justice in defining any individual.

Even when I am approached on apps, and then people meet me in person, I am told that in person I am nothing at all like how they perceived me on the app - and typically their comments are to the positive. Aside from a picture, which often is distorted, or a few sentences, which are often written clumsily, a persons personality, voice, character, intellect and expressions say a lot more about whom that person is.

 

I'm glad you are feeling better today. I think the volunteering idea is great. Do the walking thing-- you never know who you'll meet. Even if someone in that group is not gay, they may know someone who is

 

I second what on the highway said re the apps. I would at least talk to them for a couple of days to try and get a better idea of what they are like and then even meet to chat further. It’s hard to get across exactly who you are in a couple of photos and some text and I’m rubbish at taking selfies etc and others are too so the real person is usually better than the photo. I tend to go by the conversation rather than looks now plus getting out there and meeting new people is fun, even if it doesn’t go past a first date.

 

Hi @Ben35
Glad that you’re feeling a lot better today.
I hope you don’t mind, but I checked your location and I know it pretty well
Maybe some meetup groups would be good to try, your a direct train away from being in London in what 45 mins or so. There’s plenty of meetup groups that have stuff going on in the city. Not always drink based either and so that could work for you.
I know it’s a pain sometimes traipsing into London, but even when I really can’t be bothered, I make the effort and always have a good time. Met some nice people too
Also we’ve got London pride next weekend which will be great. Ok it might be a bit booze heavy for some but definitely not all.
I know there are some meetup groups for women to meet and go to pride together so that you’re not wandering around alone and I presume that they’ll be something similar for men too. Could be worth a look
I feel your pain with the online dating thing too, it’s definitely not my favourite but unfortunately it’s the way things are these days.
Maybe just don’t put so much pressure on it and just chat with people (even if they’re not your type), like others have already said, a lot of the time the little picture and self summary really doesn’t say much about that person at all.
I know from previous experience that I’ve seen pics of people who I don’t know, say a friend of a friend or something, and I’ve not thought anything about them at all. In regards to attraction I mean. But then I’ve actually met them at some point and been like ‘whoa, you’re hot’ and developed me a little crush that I did not see coming at all.

 

Don’t let yourself get worked up for being blocked. It’s part of app culture. The more you use apps the more you will notice how emotionless most of the guys are. For the most part, the apps are for sex and sex only. There are exceptions if you have a clear profile and you engage in a polite way (which typically surprises most app users). Look at apps almost as a game, and try not to take things personally.

I actually lived in London for ten years before moving back to the States last year. There are a massive number of ways to meet other gay guys in a non scene way, You can join an LGBT sports league, an LGBT gaymers club, other various social clubs, charities, etc etc,

Do a google,search for London LGBT clubs/sports leagues/(add activity here) or reach out either to the Terrence Higgins Trust or Stonewall and they can provide suggestions.

 

Just glad to see you hopeful and not so depressed. I know rejection is hard but you should never give up, there is so much more to life and see you just had to try elsewhere and you got a little hope. I'm sure things will just get better from here on out...

 

You're welcome and that's really good to hear...

 

You don't no, but its going to be a hell harder for you to find people if you aren't out of the closet and actually involved in activities around your area.

What things are you involved in? Do you have hobbies you do with other people? Game nights? How are you meeting new people in general?

I wouldn't say "quality men" because the same people who are in the apps are the same people volunteering. But venue changes everything and meeting in person gives other people context of who you are as a person. So someone who you didn't find attractive online after seeing how they interact with other people you might find them attractive.

All that being said, a relationship isn't going to solve your issues of self-worth and feeling isolated. You need friends in order to do that.

Think about it, if you are solely depending on a person for your happiness, it also means you will likely put up with a horrible person in order to not feel lonely. And what will happen if you break up?

Focus on friends first. Work on your hobbies, yourself and get to know others.

 

What you see as being independent and self-reliant are truly you protecting yourself from other people so you don't have to be vulnerable. Human as social animals. We need to depend on other people and its also healthy to do so. The trick is to depend on the right people.

Good friends are people who you should be able to depend on for comfort, reassurance of you as a person, emotional support, physicall support etc.

I would highly recommend you look into the work of Dr. Brene Brown. I would start with this ted talk :https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

She is a researcher who has been looking at data so if you aren't a fan of self-help stuff because it all sounds like bullshit, she is one of the few who actually bases her stuff on actual data. Its pretty amazing. If the ted talk connects with you in some way I would watch some of her videos and pick up some of her books.

Working on being able to be vulnerable with friends will help you tremendously.

Depends.

I have seen highly active social media people create great relationships with people around them, but you have to be highly active user.

One way that I have used twitter to connect with others is when I'm in conferences for certain topics. When you tweet about a certain topic and find other people who want to have offline conversations about it is pretty cool. But mainly the online connection happens around an event going on.

There is an podcast episode by a show called Nancy about how to make LGBT friends. I know you want a partner, but honestly focus on LGBT friends. It gets easier after you have a group of LGBT friends that will invite you to other places where more LGBT will be. https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/gaggle-finding-queer-friends/

I know it can seem impossible and frustrating, but keep at it. Meanwhile you have us for what is worth.

 

The app is tricky. Its definitely not the best place for long term relationships though, but it can be good for friends and good friends with benefits if that is your thing.

Its hard to tell why your profile isn't getting hits. I can be your convo style, pictures, where you live etc. Its hard to say anything without seeing how you use it sadly.

My husband sucks with that app. He sucks at creating conversations that are dynamic and he doesn't know how to move the conversation along. He is a great person, really good looking (way better looking than me), but he sucks at the app. I'm better at it than him so usually I meet up with more guys and the guys who want a threesome usually come through me. That is to say two things 1) don't take it personally 2) you can get better at it with practice