Hi Probably it's a bad moment to write, because I still have to finish a project. But okay... I'm having a gender rollercoaster over the last month or so. A trans phase is increasing since the beginning of spring. I increasingly feel the need to do something and don't know what to do. Then, yeah, I unleashed my imagination, and I was like... if I was actually intersex in the least bit (my T is a tad high), I could choose what to present as. Yeah... Then I fantasised I go to the uni and that I'm like hey sorry I'm actually a hermaphrodite, but feel like a male and would rather present as such, so please change my name and everything, I'm a Mr, and in this fictional scenario I pull out some medical documentation. And then everyone is nice and asks me what I want to be called and how I want to be treated, and we email the professors beforehand that I have such-and-such situation. And then that I come to school and the profs call me mister and he and that the guys are like 'you're one of us' and nobody sells me this bullcrap about being a cute little girl any more. And the guys are like hey dude, go do dude things with us and I don't need to put effort into it any more. The dark side: 1. I don't know if it's not a stupid thing to do 2. I don't know how I'd cope or if I'd actually like it and maybe it's better stay a fantasy, you know, like the thought of eating twenty doughnuts 3. I bet people would actually not be that nice and would ask me stupid questions like "how do you know you're a guy, I don't feel like a gender" (said a cis person *eyeroll*) 4. I don't know if it's not a passing mood and if I did something like that, I would start to feel more girly on another (yes, I have girlier days on which I want to dress girly - the girly side seems easier to handle for me, it's not too demanding), and regret it 5. Yes, I'm afraid I'd make an idiot out of myself, I'm not a teenager any more. I could very well do without it, people understand after all that people's gender expressions vary and some people don't exactly fit the norms. It's not that there aren't women like me out there, and it could be just the stupid thing to do. I know it's totally subjective which gender you feel like. 6. I'm afraid people would laugh at me or otherwise tease me or something 7. Especially since I look like a woman and there is little doubt about it. I may come across as guyish, but it's all, nobody would believe me I'm intersex even if I actually was. 8. Unnecesary trouble and misundertandings wrt what I actually am, including dating But yesterday I did feel it very sharply that I am a man and I'd feel happy about such a decision at least for a moment, that is true for sure. And I know that maybe it's not neccesray to transition socially all the way like that, but nothing seems to work, nobody gets the hint, I come to school in a khaki tshirt and a men's hoodie and stuff like that and they still affirm me in girliness. I don't get it. *angry* Where do they have eyes? It's not even that I don't like being girly and cute at all or that it annoys me by itself, it' more like I don't want to hear it all the time. It's not who I am. Maybe I'm a tomboy, you name it. To socially transition is the only way I can think of to attract some attention and get the kind of interaction with others I want. To me personally, I could do without if I was being affirmed in masculinity. I would maybe actually prefer it this other way. But you know... life... and brain... And I'm tired of keeping up an image, appearances, constantly trying to make an impression of masculinity so that others recognise me. I am masculine as heck without all that. I just don't want femininity to be the assumption about me. ... meh... What unsettles me is also that I feel I'm fine one day, and think I'm fine with how I am gender wise and happy and the other day something like that explodes. Either I'm having strange mood swings or I'm not as fine as I think I am...
Man, I wish I didn't have those thoughts in the first place... *facepalm* Now I know why this was the empty feeling, too stupid to spit it out. I wish I either didn't have these feelings or enough criticism to see how stupid it is. I wish there was something in the middle, that I could be like... excuse me, this is not how I want to be treated, but I wouldn't have to be all like yes I'm a dude for sure. I mean, I know it's irrational, that it's just feelings that I am a dude. In a way, I don't want to be that vulnerable in front of others and tell it. On the other hand, I feel like it would bring relief. Or not, I don't wish I could be like excuse me this is not how I want to be treated, I do it all the frickin time and I'm frickin tired. I wish I had an excuse. A paper for it so that people were nicer about it. I mean, I could get a paper from my gender therapist, but what kind of paper, the question is? But for all the distance I have to myself, I still am a guy on the inside, I feel like one, and I look like a girl, and it's frickin annoying. It hell is!!! I totally feel like a male, not a female. Maybe it's worth getting a paper for, but I would have to know what I want/need beforehand. I feel ashamed of it, but maybe people would believe me more and respect my needs more if it was a documented health condition. Because it is!!! And I don't know what my needs are in specifics.
Okay. There are a few things you can do as far as social transition goes. The great thing about social transition is it is generally 100% undoable, should you want/need to undo anything. So you could pick a name to test. Maybe go to a Starbucks or somewhere that requires your name being called. If you decide to go to school using this name, it has been my experience that people don't tend to question why your "nickname" is so far from your legal name. It's just kind of accepted. You can also find some people you trust and ask them to try different pronouns with you (there is also a thread for that on here so that works too). As far as wishing for "something in the middle" there kind of is, but maybe those labels don't sit right with you. And that's okay. But also, you can totally be a feminine trans guy. That's allowed. Or maybe you're more masculinely identifying but a more accurate qualifier could be bigender, gray gender, gender flux, demiboy, genderfluid, or a host of other labels. Explore a little. Watch some youtube videos (I recommend Ash Hardell who also has a free online version of their book that I highly recommend). Do a little light research if you want. But all in all, you won't know what feels right until you try it. It seems scary, I know. But it is what it is, my dude.
Thank you for replying. It's undoable, but if I make a fool out of myself, it's not. I feel like I'm already past the age that silly behaviour is okay. I'm looking for a part-time job. I'm a responsible adult! I do have a male name that I asked some people to call me by, but this was last year and everyone forgot, but I do feel like this is my name. Well, I feel like I have two names, just like any person who has two names. Pronouns are not a problem either. I'm more afraid of the... hmmm... general impact this will have. The name and pronouns are just a means to reach a goal. Thanks for reassurance, but I try not to stres about labels. They are descriptive not prescriptive. I know who I am, and that's enough, even if it doesn't fit any pre-defined box well. I did all the research possible as well, but that's different from actually doing things And it's true, you never know unless you try. Ugh, maybe I'm stressing over nothing. Maybe it's not as big of a deal as it seems.
If someone calls you a girl just say "I'm a dude, but don't worry I get that a lot. The name's (insert your name here)". If you make a big deal about it, then people will make a big deal about it. -- And it's my understanding trans people don't really "feel" gender either, as "feeling" is an oversimplification of gender/sex dysphoria.
Honestly? I'm afraid. I'm afraid to do that. I'll be spilling my guts in front of others this way. It's never safe with random people. On the other hand, it does annoy me how I function. A lot. Man, I want to do it and I'm afraid at the same time. Normal, I guess. Only fools are not afraid. Ugh, maybe I should begin with small steps, not do all at once... Maybe classmates I like are a better first target than teachers and all classmates. I can't speak for others, of course. I described my experience. I just feel it that I'm a man. My soul/inside/brain/heart is that of a man. I just see it. It's not accurate to describe me as a woman on the interpersonal level. Transgender is just a label on a jar of jam, and what matters is the jam, not the label. Maybe it's not the perfect description, but as close as I can get. Thanks for replying.
