So for about 2 weeks or I've really been struggling with this. I've got no one to speak to about these things and it is very mentally taxing and tormenting me. I appreciate all your help/advice!!! Apologies for the long post but I really needed to vent and let this all out! I want to start by prefacing this by saying that the culture and environment I grew up/live in is incredibly repressive towards anything sexual. Lol I was never allowed to have a girlfriend as a teenager and talking even talking to the opposite sex was always super awk. So ... when it comes to homosexuality, anything gay is pretty much the worst thing possible and is seen as a kind of sickness(you can see why I've got no one to talk to). My first experiences with anything remotely erotic was when I was about 12/13. I was on a primarily gaming tips/guide website when I stumbled on a section called 'Babe of The Day' or smth like that. I was pretty aroused by the images of these scantily clad women (who were all covered though, no nudity). After some time of just looking at those images, I discovered that there were nude images of women online (lol, I didn't even know porn existed yet). Those images were enough to get me hard and it was easy enough from there to just jerk off. That first orgasm was the most amazing thing ever. Eventually, I found porn and started out with super vanilla stuff. I remember that initially I found lesbian porn to be pretty arousing but that wore off. Still, for the first 2-3 months I stuck to straight porn. I decided after 2/3 months, out of curiousity, to click on the gay category. I clicked on a video of two guys in a dark room having pretty passionate sex. I kinda got an erection but was pretty used to straight porn so I jsut went back to that. I'd say every 3 months on average or so I would stumble back onto that section and when I was super, uncontrollably horny I found it easy to jerk off to that porn but would feel disgust/guilt/shame after ejaculating . Although it was pretty infrequent that I would be super horny and decide to check out the gay section. When I was about 18/19 I started having other urges. That vanilla straight porn was great but I wanted something different. I stumbled across transgender porn. I found the idea of being dominated like that to be pretty hot. I would still watch straight porn most of the time but increasingly would watch trans porn more often to the point where it would be 50/50. Now I was always way more turned on by trans women fucking guys and not the other wat around. I guess its important since what turned me on was the idea of being fucked by a trans women while videos of guys fucking trans women weren't nowhere near as arousing. I also started reading short gay erotica stores online (think gaystoriesgonewild). They would usually give me a hard-on and i found that i could jerk-off to them as well although i would feel pretty shameful afterwards. This has kept up until now. About 2 weeks ago, I was on instagram when I stumbled across James Charles instagram. I saw a post of him in some tight shorts with his smooth legs and thighs exposed. It was pretty arousing lol and I got an erection. My first reaction was wtf is wrong with me but I went through more of his insta and it kept up. The next day I went to reddit and checked out some gay porn gifs etc. I found it gave me an erection pretty quickly and watching gay porn was easy to jerk off too. At first I would immediately feel shame and disgust once I jerked off but then after a refractory period I would lost those feelings of shame. Latetely that refractory period has been getting shorter and I find I can get horny and masturbate to gay porn 10-15 minutes after my last ejaculatation. I also felt less disgust and shame. I [found myself thinking about sex with a twink.] [I was also having other fantasies about gay sex.] Lol I was thinking of going to a bathhouse/sauna so I could explore these thoughts (in a safe way with condoms of course). Now, I never gave much thought to same sex attraction and when I was younger I always had this instinctual ew reaction.. but recently I don't know? May i was conditioned to think that way. My thoughts are that maybe years of chronic porn use pushed me to seek out more taboo things like the trans porn and now gay porn and that if i keep away from porn and masturbation all these fantasies will go away. I am a virgin too and have never had sex with a women so maybe that pent up horniness is just looking for an easy outlet. So does anyone have anyone helpful thoughts or advice on what I should do? Stay away from the porn and see if i 'reset'? Go online/to a bathhouse and see if like dick irl? Have sex with a women to see if that 'straightens' out things lol? Or something else? Am I bisexual/gay? Or just lost? Note: Overly graphic information (enclosed in brackets) edited by moderator
So the data is pretty clear that extensive porn use is desensitizing, and the result typically is that more aggressive/shocking porn is typically required over time to achieve arousal. That's part of the reason why really extreme porn exists. That said, porn is not an accurate indicator of sexual orientation, nor can porn change sexual orientation. It can draw your awareness to arousal and attraction you already have and create curiosity toward attractions you already have. The revulsion you feel after ejaculation is actually pretty common. It's thought to be a hardwired evolutionary thing; if we didn't have something to make us not want sex after ejaculation, we'd never get up and take care of basic needs like food and shelter and so forth. So I don't think it's necessarily relevant to the discussion here. I do think it would be wise for you to give up porn for a month or so, and masturbate thinking about your own fantasies. You can alternate thinking about guys in one session, and girls in another, and compare which is more arousing to you. That's going to be the most reliable way of determining your actual arousal and orientation. There's also nothing wrong with going to a bathhouse and experiencing what that's like. The only issue there is, given your history with porn, you should be aware of the potential to find yourself feeling compulsions to go back repeatedly. If you do decide to try that, also be aware that there will likely be drug use (particularly meth and cocaine), and that is absolutely not a path you want to try going down, even once, as it can really screw up your perceptions, and can really negatively impact your experience of sex without drugs. I think that once you let go of the porn for a bit and simply experience your own body and mind, things will become a lot clearer for you.
Thank you so much for reading that and that thorough reply. I mentioned the revulsion after ejacualtion because I don't feel that after jerking off to staight porn. When it comes to gay porn, I feel it after ejaculating. I wasn't sure if that is common among others who eventually realized they were gay and lost that feeling of disgust. I will take your advice and avoid porn but rather masturbate to striaght/gay fantasies and see how I feel then. Hopefully things will become more clear then like you said.
Revulsion after ejaculation to gay porn would most likely be associated with shame or discomfort about having same-sex attraction; it would likely not be a reliable indicator that you aren't same-sex attracted, but that the conscious part of you is uncomfortable toward what the unconscious part of you seems to be enjoying, if that makes sense. It isn't uncommon in people who are processing and coming to terms with realizing they aren't straight. If you feel comfortable sharing your experiences once you've seen how that works for you, perhaps you can get some additional input that will help you figure things out. Best of luck!
Yup, will do! That being said I've been looking back and it's not like I've never ever had these kind of desires prior to porn. Like you said porn can't really change your sexuality and can make you aware of things that you didn't know before. I'm actually meeting up with another guy soon. We're going to be safe and use condoms absolutely but I feel a sense of excitement. I'm hoping that this real life experience will clear things up. I've noticed that there are those with similar curiosities (and porn addictions?) who've done the same and some found that they felt no excitement or pleasure in real life which helped them see they were straight all along. But another group realized that this was what they really wanted the whole time felt intense pleasure being with another man.
Hi nikmadero! You sound like me. When you read my story, you will see, that we experianced almost the same: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/30yo-and-still-confused.466888/ Since i have still not figured out what the hell is going on with me, i can‘t really help you. I am stuck. But maybe it helps to read my story... i don‘t want to scare you, but as you see, i have problems to get an errection when i am with a partner (female or male). I don‘t know either if pornography is fully responsible for that... but i think it played it‘s part. So letting go porn (for a while) is probably a good thing. And porn can be a indicator, but it isn‘t always reflecting the truth... Best of luck! Keep us updated ;-)
I am confused If your saying your Bi thats great you discovered that about yourself I have known I was Bi as a kid I was at first but as I got older and was ok with it
Hmm well this is a question I'd like to see answered: How many people out there discovered they were bisexual/gay later in life after having only straight feelings all along and was there a trigger for this or no?
Yes. Me. I am in a 11yo relationship with a woman. I never questioned my sexual orientation until i was 30. The trigger was when i felt the pressure to move in (again) together, marry, kids... i asked myself „what do you fear? You have a fantasic GF“. And then i looked back and analysed my „sexual me“. I discovered a few signs, that i oversaw for a long time. And i am still not shure about it...
