um ok some background: i'm 16. still very confused about my gender but i know i'm not a cis-girl. im pretty sure i'm trans. i'm a sophomore in high school.. but i havent actually been to school since january because of depression and anxiety. my mental health has been kind of bad. i've kind of withdrawn myself from the world. i almost never see or talk to my friends. one of the people that i interact with the most is my mom. shes an asian immigrant. and i wouldn't say shes the stereotypical tiger mom, but she has some conservative (?) values. like, she never let me go to someone's house without talking to their parents (and meeting them) first. she never lets me wear shorts at the length that most stores sell. she never let me wear a bikini when i was little. she's that kind of mom. and shes pretty accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. not the most educated, but she's not homophobic. last year when i thought i was ace, i came out to her and it was mostly ok. i'd say i have an average relationship with my mom. its not super close, not super distant. i will say i'm pretty closed off to just about everyone though. i havent really talked about my issues with my mom lately because she just doesn't really get it and it gets tiring trying to explain it when i really don't know what is going on either so for a while, i hadn't really been thinking about my gender and sexuality. i was a bit preoccupied with the whole trying to stay alive thing i guess. but now i can't stop thinking and overthinking about it. its very there in my head. like theres a voice that just screams "i'm trans! i'm gay! i'm trans! i'm gAY" all the time in my mind. (i haven't really discussed this with anyone i know though, so no one really knows i'm trans) today, we went to the dog park near our house. and my mom asks me if i'm wearing a bra. i say no, and she says, "you aren't allowed to leave the house unless you're wearing a bra. i won't take you anywhere unless you're wearing one." being the little shit i am, i say "great, now i never have to leave the house" (because, you know, anxiety..). and then my mom got kind of annoyed and she started telling me i had to wear a bra because people can see my chest and thats bad and they'll think bad things and its like my duty as a person in this society to wear a bra and that sort of thing. we kept going, and i think my mom didn't really think much of it after that. but i couldnt stop thinking about it. i dont really wear a bra anymore. for several reasons: theyre really uncomfortable. and i've tried different kinds. they're ichy and tight and yuck i have shoulder issues and wearing a bra makes my shoulder hurt a lot. i've tried strapless ones but they dont stay up and i don't care enough to always be adjusting it i dont like my chest. i dont like how it looks. i dont like having it. it doesn't feel right on me. i don't like remembering its there. i don't like wearing a bra to make them more there. i kind of want to try binding but i'm worried about how it will affect my shoulder. i really want a flat chest. i just don't want to? and its my body?? also i don't have to wear a bra right? breasts aren't even a sexual organ.. and its not my fault if people see my chest and think bad things right? i was pretty uncomfortable and in a weird mood for the rest of the walk. and even though we were at the dog park and the sun was setting and the sky was gorgeous, i was still feeling really bad. just obsessing about that conversation, overthinking it. i already feel pretty disconnected with my body, but being jerked back into it, being reminded that this is your body, this is how it looks. it kind of sucks. i wish i didn't have a body. i wish things felt right. theres too many things to worry about. so yeah. i guess i'm looking for support? advice? i dont really know but anything would be nice. i just really needed to get this off my chest (ha ha)
oh aLSO it kind of sucked that my mom, one of the only people i regularly see and feel mostly comfortable with, made me feel this way? i just feel like i'm slowly drifting away from this reality. maybe if i try hard enough i won't exist anymore? i wish.
I feel like your mom is ignoring your gender but safety is also important and you currently have a female body which means your mom is probably worried that if you don't wear a bra, a perverted man is going to come over to you and sexually assault you, she doesn't want that to happen to her child. It certainly is not your fault that this does happen. Just if you feel you can, tell your mom how you feel about it and she might understand your perspective. (But first if you aren't out be careful), just to me I see your mom's point but I think you should be you because clearly you are transgender and I think that means you aren't out to your mother because she said "You have to wear a bra." So maybe if she is accepting of trans people, tell her and you both can work it out together, but if she is transphobic you need to ultimately make sure you are safe and you are not risking anything. Since if she accepts you she might be able to ask certain doctors "Hey my son needs to bind his breasts but he has a risk of a shoulder problem and so is there anyway we can find a non shoulder based binder so that pressure is taken off his shoulder." (That is a bit of what I'd do if my kid was a trans male and had the same shoulder problems as you, maybe your mom is like that. Also maybe use the internet, suggest LGBT+ friendly sites that talk about gender so that your mom can learn that way because to me it just seems she wants to keep you safe, But did she really say that about society because that's what grinds my gears. Society has some very dumb rules which are quite outdated. I think that's the only part which I find is a little bad in your mom. Also I hope your mom really does accept you, and also take your time with your gender because it can get confusing and I should know because I'm currently having a few gender issues of my own.
Would it be at all possible to ask your mom to buy you a binder? You could explain to her that it is essentially a more conservative bra. It looks very much like a tank top and is not at all revealing. Do you think she'd be alright with that? GC2B sells them for 33-35 USD, which I have been told is around the price of a decent wire bra.
If all else fails you could try a sports bra? They have the added bonus of being a bra (to satisfy your mother) and flattering your chest somewhat.
The way I see it, you shouldn't be forced to wear a bra regardless of if you're trans or not. Also, have you told your mom about the physical discomfort you've felt? Maybe she could get on board from that perspective.
It seems like if you discussed this with your mom, you may feel like some weight will be taken off of your shoulders. I'm currently attending high school and identify as trans. I definitely understand that voice that's always saying "I'm gay! I'm trans!..", it is often difficult. Talking to someone may help. It doesn't even have to be your mom or your friends. For example, I am extremely close to my art teacher and he was the first person I came out to. I talk to him a lot about issues I have going on and he's very understanding. If you are considering binding, make sure you get a binder that's the right size. NEVER USE TAPE! Tencer bandages can be used to bind but you still have to be careful. Tencer bandages also only really work on people with smaller chests (from my personal experiences), and can be hard to keep in place. Don't be afraid to reach out and talk to someone. If you need to talk, feel free to message me any time. Even though you don't know me personally.
