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Out of the box..

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Njman, Jun 17, 2018.

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  1. Njman

    Njman
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    I heard a great quote once. "Stay outside the box. There's nothing in there." It kind of feels like Ive been living in one.

    I just came out at 48 yrs old. Its been a long road. (I'm sure many here already know the feeling)

    I'm very lucky for the era that I'm doing it in.

    Its been a long, sometimes painful journey up to this point. I'm feeling a sense of peace that I'm grateful for.

    The sad part is the grief that I caused my former girlfriend. She has been very supportive.

    But the sadness she feels about losing the relationship is very painful.

    I suppose I wish I knew myself better earlier and had a little more courage.

    We had a good, honorable relationship.

    I'm at peace being out. But I'm very sad at the hurt I caused.
     
    #1 Njman, Jun 17, 2018
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  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. I can understand your regret for the pain you caused and I am sure she is grateful that you feel like that but at the same time you should also try not to be too hard on yourself. Dealing with figuring out your sexuality and coming out are not easy things, especially going back a couple of years to when you were younger. I am sure from the way you have written your post that you never intended to cause hurt to anyone, you did what you thought was best at the time. You will definitely fine people here with similar stories and EC is a great place.
     
    #2 silverhalo, Jun 17, 2018
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  3. MapleCross

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    In the end we must always look after our self and we are not responsible for another persons feelings. You may have caused your former girlfriend to question what was wrong with her that you could not commit yourself to her, but in the end it would have been a mistake to get married and living a lie. To have a good relationship you must be open and honest with each other but if you were hiding your gayness then you are not being honest with her and living a lie. In the end in many cases this ends up with greater unhappiness.
     
    #3 MapleCross, Jun 17, 2018
  4. Njman

    Njman
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    Thank you. I appreciate the welcome. Its good to see this response and the oher one. I'm doing my best to not be too hard on myself. Your kind words help.

    The amazing thing was that it was right in front of my face in so many ways for so long. I didn't really see it.

    You are right though, its a tough one to figure out
     
    #4 Njman, Jun 17, 2018
  5. Njman

    Njman
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    Thank you for the reply. For her it wasn't questioning what was wrong with her, but just missing the partnership we had.

    We had a good relationship and as understanding as she is, that's over.

    But you're right. I came out to her because I couldn't hide it from her and didn't want to hide from myself anymore.

    Your words are a big help though
     
    #5 Njman, Jun 17, 2018
  6. silverhalo

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    When I finally figured out I was gay I spent a while annoyed and angry that I hadn't figured it out sooner but then I thought about it some more and decided that I figured it out when I was ready, when my brain was willing and ready to be able to deal with it. When in a situation like that it's easy to see the things that might have been better if you had figured it out sooner but we rarely consider the things that may not have been so good. The world was a different place then.
     
    #6 silverhalo, Jun 17, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2018
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  7. Njman

    Njman
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    That's a good thing to remember. Especially the part about "the brain being ready for it"

    Her and I did the poly/bisexual thing for a while. (Me being bi) it was helpful to do that because I wasn't on the down low. I didn't want anything to do with that.

    But knowing that I couldn't give her what anyone wants was painful because I care for her. I thought I could.

    I took me a long time to understand the emptiness I was feeling. I knew it wasn't my girlfriend or any woman from a past relationship creating it.

    Finally, it just hit me. So yes. Its very sad to see her grief and experience mine. But it would've been a lot worse if I kept being blind to it.
     
    #7 Njman, Jun 17, 2018
  8. quebec

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    Njman.....Hello and welcome to empty closets. As they say: "Hind sight is 20-20". We tend to look back and wonder how we could have missed all the signs, I know that I did. I hope that someday kids will not be raised in a way that automatically assumes everyone is heterosexual. Those of us who are LBGTQ have to fight past not fitting the expected mould before we can even start figuring out who/what we really are. For some it happens early and quickly but for many of us it takes time. It's really not something that can be sped up...it happens when we are finally ready to accept ourselves. You came out at 48, I came out at 64...I guess I was more stubborn than you! It can feel like we have taken advantage of those with whom we had a relationship pre-gay, but most of the time we were simply doing the best we could. I am glad that you had a good relationship and I hope that both of you can move on from this experience and have good relationships in the future.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #8 quebec, Jun 17, 2018
  9. Njman

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    Thank you David.

    Like others you hit on some key things. Its true there is a part of me that feels like I took advantage of someone. That's why its good to see the responses I get on here or from friends.

    I'm getting clarity from them.

    I guess you were pretty hard headed too!

    The scary part for me was how unconcious of it I was. What you're sharing is very helpful
     
    #9 Njman, Jun 17, 2018
  10. Himo

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    Hey Njman!
    Welcome. I am looking for answers, because i am in a difficult situation (maybe in a similar like yours a few years ago). I (30yo man) am for more than 11 years in a relationship with a woman. And i beginn to realize just now, that there is something going on with my sexuality. I may be gay... And what hurts me the most is what you just wrote... I fear to hurt my girlfriend very hard. For something i am not even shure about. A few month ago i told her. I told her, that i miss something in my sexuality and that i may be gay. We see a therapist now and i try to figure out whats going on. So maybe you could help me with the questions i always ask myself...

    I am very surprised, that i feel this way just now, with 30!
    - When did you realize it?
    - What signs made you understand, that you are gay?
    - Why do you think it took you so long?

    I am so afraid to make a fals decision causing hurt for everybody...
    (I hope you understand my english... it's not my main language)
    Thanks for your post!
     
    #10 Himo, Jun 18, 2018
  11. Himo

    Himo
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    #11 Himo, Jun 18, 2018
  12. silverhalo

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    Absolutely and its tough because if you could love her enough you would, its not for any lack of want or try.
     
    #12 silverhalo, Jun 18, 2018
  13. Njman

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    Thank you. Its great to talk to someone who understands
     
    #13 Njman, Jun 18, 2018
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  14. Njman

    Njman
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    You're welcome. I missed ALOT of cues for a long time. Ever since childhood. Some of them I blocked out.

    What miatake I made the most was thinking something was wrong and I needed to fix myself. I blamed, insecurity, low self image...those types of things.

    When in reality, I worked very hard to be attracted to women. Too hard.

    There's a lot more. I would rather share my experience than give advice because this is very new for me.

    But it seems like You're being honest and talking to a professional. That's pretty good.

    At least you're not hiding it. Or so confused you can't access it like I was
     
    #14 Njman, Jun 18, 2018
  15. Himo

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    Thanks for the reply Njman!

    Sorry i overrun you with questions after you second thread... that should be about you:face_palm:. It‘s just that i am stuck for a while now in a situation i truly suffer. It seems that there is no way how i can find out that i am gay or not. Those questions i wrote in my post above are burning on my lips for so long...

    I am happy for you that you made a decision. „I am gay“. You know now. Knowing seems for me the most important part! I wish you all the best for finding a way to deal with those „responsible-feelings“ towards you ex-GF.
     
    #15 Himo, Jun 19, 2018
  16. greatwhale

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    I commend you, Nijman, for the approach you are taking with this development,

    It is proper to grieve and to feel that grief as an expression of what it is you feel in this moment, as an expression of having been unable to meet what she has needed from you, and for living with the pain of not meeting your own need for a connection that is in accordance with your nature.

    There is no judgment, there are no villains in any of this...the best you can do is to maintain the connection you have with her at the level of the heart, with complete and brave honesty, and with your desire to share your love and empathy with her, even though it has to evolve...hopefully, the connection you have with her will last as long as you both live, certainly a different connection, but something that could become a beautiful metamorphosis rather than just an ending...

    In time, perhaps you both can hope to celebrate each other's happiness in your new lives and in your new loves...
     
    #16 greatwhale, Jun 19, 2018
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  17. Zoe

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    Hello and welcome. There are plenty of us who have traveled similar roads. We're glad you're here.

    And if it makes you feel better, my wife and I now laugh at all of the cues I missed or blatantly ignored.
     
    #17 Zoe, Jun 19, 2018
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  18. Njman

    Njman
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    No you didn't overrun me at all. I just want to be careful what I say. I would never want to lead you down a more confusing road.

    I'm still struggling with some things. Such as grief of losing my girlfriend and the possible time that was wasted.

    I'm also still getting use to the way I feel personally. Its not an easy ride for me. Though I'm very thankful that I'm doing it at a time that it is so much more accepted.

    What I most want to say is that I hope you find peace and acceptance in whatever your discovery is.
     
    #18 Njman, Jun 19, 2018
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  19. Njman

    Njman
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    I appreciate how thoughtful of a post this is. You're right. There are no villains and that's what I have to remember. I somewhat felt that way at first.
     
    #19 Njman, Jun 19, 2018
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  20. Njman

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    Thank
     
    #20 Njman, Jun 19, 2018
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