how to respond to snidey homophobic comments

I think the easiest thing is to just come out. I've only heard stuff like that a hand full of times over the last twenty years and then always from people who didn't know. So in that instance I tell them. I remember I had a client who was telling me all about his ex-wife who left him for another woman. About the fifth time he used the word "dyke" I finally just said "hey Joe, I need you not to use that word in my presence." When he looked at me like he didn't understand I said "well, obviously I'm not a lesbian, but..." He was very apologetic and explained that he didn't dislike gay people he just disliked his ex-wife. I responded that while I was sure that was true that word really isn't about his ex-wife, it's about gay people. He agreed, was very apologetic and never said anything like that in my presence again.

 

You'll get better in dealing with the remarks with time.
I was really oversensitive concerning remarks a year ago. And just like you, they didn't even needed to be directed at me.
You learn to deal with these things along the way. Still learning how to react properly but at least I'm not oversensitive anymore.
What helped for me was thinking about it. Why do they react to me this way?
If it is ignorance you can inform them (if you want to).
If they have blinders on (and informing doesn't work as a result) it's because they grew up in a heteronormative society just like us and they don't know any better.
If they try to use the fact you're LGBT against you and they try to hurt you deliberately, do you really care about their opinion?

 

Call them a "straight up jack-ass"

Means you're calling them an idiot ... which non-straight people can be too but doesn't work as well.

But be sure to apologise to the nice straight people around.

 

I think it can help to educate people if you know you are going to see them a lot in the future, like an investment.
I actually opened a topic on this subject too, in October 2017. I add the link in case you want to read it. https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...deal-with-the-remarks-defend-yourself.463604/
Anyway now we're june 2018 and the remarks I got seem to have stopped (possibly because I don't care anymore what they say, why continue making remarks when they have no effect). And I have strong suspections one of them is actually LGBT (freezes when I touch her etc.).

 

I like this a lot. Especially how brave you were to come out! I have told people before not to say things like that too but I've never come out to any of them. I think I will though next time.

 

What do you call homophobic?
"Whatch your mouth" would rather be releasing sexual tension in a silly way, in my opinion. People, especially men, do it a lot. An awful lot. Gay jokes serve the function of mentally masturbating to each other xP Some guys even get soooomewhat physical because tension.

 

I do agree with OGS.

When people make snide comments about gay people in my presence I calmly, but firmly say: "Actually, I am gay". Just four words! In almost every case it shuts them down and leaves them spluttering in embarrassment for lame excuses (often to the amusement of other people in the room)... and of course "they never have a problem with me".

The only way to deal with this sort of BS is to call it out. That's what it really means to be proud.

 

Amen.

 

I look at it this way; do I speak up and face a moment or two of uncertainty and fear, but feel proud of myself afterwards, or do I remain silent then kick myself and stew for hours or days later knowing that I missed an opportunity to face down this sort of crap and allow it to continue unchallenged.

A moment or two of anxiety or hours and days (or more) of anger and regret?

 

I've scrolled by this one a few times on the home page and never really thought anything of it until a few days ago.

For general homophobic comments, I call them out. Either I tell them I'm gay or point out whatever they say is a huge sweeping generalization and can't possibly apply to all LGBT people.

A few days ago I got my first ever comment directed at me, by a stranger. I wish I had good responses for those subtle homophobic comments.

 

Even before I acknowledged my own bisexuality I was never good at playing defense in situations like this. With outright homophobes I would put on an extreme camp persona and aggressively flirt with them(worked wonderfully on my hotel buddy's jackass coworker that would give gay couples a hard time). When my coworker said upon hearing I had come out as bi "bi isn't real, you're just gay and won't admit it" I pointed out that I doubted my wife would agree when we were in bed.(but much blunter language). Among other such comments.

Now there's a difference if the person isn't making a personally directed statement but is just ignorant, I'll try educating and using logic to point out where they're wrong. They want to say "I've no problem with gay people I just don't want it in my face" I'll point out how hetero-normativity is in our faces every minute of every day. And ask why they would say one group are entitled to more acceptance than the other. And too many other situations to list here.

In the end it depends on where they are coming from as to how I respond. But no matter what I will not back down to ignorance.

 

I feel like this can backfire. I've been out to my family since I was 16, and since then my mother has only become more homophobic and insulting of my sexuality. Two years ago, she even went so far as to throw me out of her house because she thought I was teaching my much younger sister how to be a lesbian. Mind you, my mother is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, and I've always been the family scapegoat. But I doubt I am alone in this.