hi! im a questioning lesbian whos been pretty sure for the last while about it however everytime i see someone i think is cute i immediately begin to analyze it and tell myself "you dont actually think she/theyre cute" or "whatever i bet youre faking it" is anyone else in denial about this ? its making it very difficult for me to figure out if im actually gay however i do still have the "MUST LOOK AT THEM" response and get awkward and close up ? its very confusing.
YES! i feel like this all the time, and since coming to EC have seen a number of other people who feel the same way, too. it’s not easy fully embracing being a lesbian when so much of society is man-centric and heterosexual. you have to unlearn a lifetime (however long or short that is) of behaviours and thought patterns that consider heterosexuality the standard and expect you to eventually fall in love with a guy. acceptance, to many, is not just a matter of one day thinking “oh i have a crush on a girl! guess i’m gay!” It can happen in many ways, but something i once read and which i feel definitely applies to me at least is that acceptance is a process in which some days you think “ok i’m gay” and many other days you doubt that severely, you might deny it, and you might even explain it away entirely. but the number of days in which you do accept being gay slowly grow, and eventually they’ll outnumber the days of denial. some things may come along that can speed the process up (friends with similar experiences; a relationship; an event that makes it clear you really don’t feel attracted to boys; etc) but they also may not, and that’s perfectly OK - you can go through it at your own pace. what for me has been very helpful is calling myself a lesbian (in my head, since i’m not out), even on days i am doubting it/denying it/worrying about faking it. there’s no “label police”: if after a while you realise the label doesn’t fit, you can change it! so feel free to try it on: look in the mirror and say “i’m gay”. a big part of the process is learning to be comfortable with it, and allowing ourself to be gay! sometimes our minds can be our biggest enemies and we can start overanalysing things to a point where nothing makes sense anymore. you’re young still: you don’t have to settle on a label if you’re afraid to call yourself a lesbian. take your time to figure things out for yourself, grow a little, explore things one by one. allow yourself to look at girls without overanalysing your thoughts, just let things come as they are. who knows, in a little while you might just notice the days on which you confidentaly accept you’re gay start outnumbering the other days. i can’t look into your head or feel what you feel, so i can’t give you a 100% straightforward answer. however, if it helps any: i have yet to meet a girl who thought they were a lesbian and later discovered they “faked” it. people who thought they were lesbians and later learned they were bisexual - yes. but faking it, no. yet almost all lesbians i know worried that they were faking it at some point. that’s not weird. it’s just your brain trying to negotiate between “i like girls” and “as a girl i am expected to like boys”. take your time to work your way through it. it’ s normal and it happens to many of us
wow,, thank you. this is very thoughtful and helpful and sweet. these are all good points! again, thank you so much.
