WARNING, SERIOUS HOMOPHOBIA IN THIS POST. It’s not too bad, but I don’t want anyone to be triggered. My mom’s cousin is coming over today. Nothing against religious people, but I’m not, and he takes it too far. All he talks about is how gay people are defying god by being gay. He says they’re delusional. That the members of the lgbt community are sick. And there was a time that was recognized as a sickness but now it’s celebrated. That they started AIDS. That god ordered gays to be put to death because it is such a serious and disgusting offense. He always makes us watch his churches sermons online. He goes on and on about how gay people are taking over. It’s all he talks about. “They say, ‘tolerance, tolerance,’ but where is the tolerance for the Christians?” My parents feel similar, but at least they don’t talk about it all the time. But when he comes around it suddenly gets worse. He rubs off on them. My mom has always looked up to her older cousin and thinks he’s such a wise great guy and that we should all be more like him. I don’t want to have see this man. His visits usually last for ten hours, and my parents won’t let me leave for more then a bathroom break. My brother is trans. I’m gay. For obvious reasons we dread his visits. What do I do?
I’d also like to add that my parents are supporters of conversation therapy. They actually try to “pray the gay away.” They are psychologically abusive. They don’t need their cousins help making it worse.
Sorry, I don't really know what to say to make you feel better. I guess my first line of defense would be distraction. Try to keep the conversation away from the whole topic. If that fails, try to stop the conversation into getting into finer details by asking him why does he always want to talk about gays if it's so offensive to him. Couldn't we talk about some nicer things instead? If that failed, I would subtly troll the shit out of him. The thing with ppl who are extremists, be it religion or homophobia, have internally inconsistent narratives and views. For example, your mom's cousin says that gay ppl are sick AND they are offending god. I would inquire how can those two things be mutually compatible: if you are sick you generally are not blamed for your illness. If it's a sin then it can't be an illness, unless of course god is so fucked up he like punishing ppl for things they can't influence. If he tries arguing that it's OK to be gay but not OK to act on it (gay sex), you can make it really awkward by asking him to specify exactly what is forbidden and why. No anal sex? Fine, what about mutual masturbation? No, why not? What about kissing? Is that wrong? If so, why? There are references in the Bible about men giving each other kisses. Like David and Jonathan (the son of King Saul). According to 1 Samuel 20:41 "After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with is face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together - but David wept the most." Also, it appears that Jonathan got nude in front of David 1 Samuel 18:3-4 "And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt." Since people in those days did not wear underwear, Jonathan stripped himself naked in front of David. That would be considered extremely unusual behavior (then and now) unless their relationship was sexual in nature. Also, hinting that ppl who are gay often can't stop talking about gays. I have no idea if there is any truth to that but it might be enough to embarrass him and change the subject. The trick is to appear non-confrontational and just play it dumb and let him sweat. I hope this helps.
If it was me in that situation I would just ghost him as much as possible. If he says anything about gay people, don't say a word back, give him nothing. Try not to actively engage with him whatsoever and if he addresses you or your brother directly just give him a dirty look and walk out. If your parents have a go at you for this do the same to them. But don't say anything because words can be twisted. If that fails (and only if that fails) tell him his false piety is unchristian, and that Jesus was a charitable rebel who hung around with societal rejects (which probably included LGBT people as they also existed 2000 years ago), the homeless and sex workers and had a profound distaste for many modern American conservative values like materialism and capitalism (because he did.) Then tell him that if Jesus was alive today he might well shun him for his undeserved pride. The New Testament (which is what Christianity is fundamentally about) nullifies the prescribed punishments in Leviticus in several places. Take your pick: Luke 6:36-37 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. [37] Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Romans 2:1 Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. John 8:7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. Mathew 7:5 "Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." Mathew 23:13 But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the kingdom of heaven against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in. Luke 11:46 "what sorrow also awaits you experts in religious law! For you crush people with unbearable religious demands, and you never lift a finger to ease the burden." Another one that is at odds with modern American conservatism. Mark 12:40 Which devour widows' houses, and for a pretense make long prayers: these shall receive greater damnation.
I am so sorry. I don't have a homophobic relative like that but I do have family members that I do not get along with and whenever they come to visit it is very stressful and uncomfortable. I can only imagine what you're going through. All I can say is to avoid him as much as is polite. Don't talk to him unless you have to, let your parents do most of the talking, etc. He is your mom's cousin anyway. Just try to lay low and draw as little attention to yourself as possible to protect you heart and feelings. Nothing he says is true, even if he tries to get your parents and you to believe it. Also, whenever you have an excuse to step out that your parents will let you take, do so for your own mental health. Even if it comes to having to make excuses. Go in the kitchen to "get a drink", stay in the bathroom longer than you have to, etc. Just do what you can within the bounds of your parents expectations to make this as bearable as possible.
