Gay men and their fathers - relationships?

It is difficult to generalize, but yes, many gay men have had issues with coming out to their fathers. There is also a generational factor, with younger fathers possibly being more accepting than those more advanced in years; but it is important to mention that this probably applies, on the whole, to certain countries or communities that have more progressive attitudes.

All that being said, there are happy (albeit anecdotal) exceptions...my partner's father is a retired policeman, and during the 70's and 80's he came home after participating in gay bathhouse raids while making denigrating remarks about the people he arrested (such were the laws and attitudes at the time). His father was also trying to get my partner to participate in, or watch sporting events (not surprising; he was totally not interested).

My partner came out in his mid-20's, after he left his parent's home and moved away to another city. Surprisingly, his father was quicker to accept the news, it was his mother who had to take some time to process this information, and it wasn't smooth going.

Nevertheless, both parents are completely fine with it now and have been for more than 25 years; the world has changed. When we visit, his father greets me not only with a hug but also a kiss on the cheek!

I would also add that the relationships that gay men have with their mothers are, from what I have observed, somewhat more complicated and difficult than one would expect. It would be interesting to also read what others would have to share on their mother-son relationships.

 

My relationship with my father always seemed pretty superficial. We seemed to only ever discuss random things of little substance.
I always worried about if he thought I was a "good man" and I did the best I could to just fulfill the role I had as father and provider to my children.
I never felt I would be comfortable enough to be able to come out to him. He died 6 years ago this month, and I hadn't seen him since 3 years before his passing.

 

He's always been very distant and spends most of his life at work by choice. It was rare for me to see him more than like 5-10 hours a week throughout my entire childhood even though we lived in the same house, and even more rare to have any 1 on 1 time with him. After I moved out the extent of our interactions were usually a one hour phone call once a month unless he happened to be there when I came home to visit my mom and siblings.

Neither of my parents took it well when I came out to them originally, and he removed me from his life completely for a while. He eventually reconsidered and let me back into his life, and said he'll never understand being attracted to guys but he'll try to be supportive as an apology for missing most of my childhood, since he doesn't want to miss the rest of my life too. He's the more accepting parent now. We still barely interact at all though.

 

We can be very similar, yet very different (especially when it comes to politics).

We've never had a very hostile relationship, although its kinda emotional sterile at the same time. But as life throws it hurdles at us both we've both gotten closer. He took the gay thing much better than I thought he would.

I was always closer and got along with him better than I did with my mom. In terms of emotional vulnerability, my dad and I getting better at that, although if things were still typical with my mom we probably would be closer now too.

 

Growing up I was always much closer to my Father. In adulthood I also became quite close with my Mother. I have a lot of gay male friends, however, who were not close to their fathers growing up. Most of them have become closer with their fathers in adulthood.

 

I have a good relationship with both parents. It was awkward after I came out for a couple weeks but it got back to where it was.

 

There have been some studies that have tried to understand this correlation. From what I have read, one of the main theories is that fathers tend to pick up on the fact that their kids could be gay so they either become way more strict on them, both physically and emotionally, in order to "protected" them or they become incredibly distant from them due to their own shame because they blame themselves for making the kid gay.

When the father doesn't have strict gender norms and is accepting, the relationship is much smoother for all involved so like someone said above I suspect this will change as more accepting dads start having kids.

For me, my dad was very tough during my childhood. He tried to teach me how to "man up" in the usual ways like not crying, walking and talking like a man, physically punishing me, tried to get me to like every sport imaginable, etc. That being said, he has always been there for me and he was a great dad. He would support me in the way he could, be there for me, and for the most part I enjoyed passing time with him. I have always been much closer with my mother though.

It wasn't until I was around 15 that he started changing his parenting style ( I believe because my mom had had enough) so we all started having a better relationship. When I came out my dad took it WAAAY better than my mom and he became one of my strongest supporters. He just took it and ran with it. He dropped me off at my first pride when I was 19, has met all of my boyfriends, and has even given me relationship advice.

Now, both my parents are beyond amazing. They both love my husband and treat him almost like another son. My father loves him and he complains if we don't visit them often enough. Truly lucky.

Keep your options open. You dad might just change as you both get older.

 

I've always been really close with both of my parents. My dad had an easier time than my mom when I came out but it didn't take either of them long to be 100% supportive

 

I still have a close and good relationship with both of my parents. They are different in nature though as I share more interests with my dad and we talk more about those interests and have discussions with each other while I share no interests with my mum at all and I struggle to understand her way of thinking but she is focussed on completely different aspects anyway and talks to me on a more emotional level wanting more information and detail about my life and how I am doing, always making it certain that I know that she is there to offer support. I always saw that my dad and my mum accommodate each other creating some kind of balance as they both provided different aspects while raising me together that were both valuable.

My dad however was never against LGBT people and LGBT issues before he was always genuinely indifferent to those subjects and still is.
I never feared to come out to either of my parents and there was nothing I had to be afraid about.
Though my dad’s first response was saying nothing and acting awkward around me for a few days afterwards while he was trying to come to terms with the information. He apparently was struggling more with it than my mum after all. He got over it soon completely though and the relationship returned to normal like it had been before.

 

Not the best relationship but not terrible either. Only saw him 4 days a month growing up due to divorced parents. Then ended up living with him for a few years. We get on each others nerves within 30 minutes of talking so avoided each other as much as possible while living together. He's also really anti-gay and doesnt know about me, so it would get worse if he found out.

 

My father and I are quite similar; we have a good relationship. I wouldn't call it close as closeness isn't really his thing, but still.

However, he won't ever mention my sexuality. I never actually came out to him, but it's obvious that I'm not straight and from things I've heard him say, he knows; but he will never mention the topic.

 

My dad and I are not that close but we arent far away from each other either (even before I came out to him). We had good laughs before. Though before he was homophobic. He's very straightforward to me that he wont accept me as gay... but that was before. After I came out to them through a letter, he had a change of heart. In the letter I told them that I wont go back home anymore and will start living without them. After they read it Mom keeps messaging me that Dad is texting him day after day to make me come home. And after almost a month, I went home and when dad saw me we hugged (a long one). After that, things went back to normal. I think I can say that my dad and I are a bit more closer now. I dont feel awkward being around him now. And hey, he approved my tattoo! He also approved my plan of getting another one!