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Dating advice for a newbie

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ajw347, Jun 15, 2018.

  1. ajw347

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    I’m 34 and have never dated before and I’m a little self-conscious about it.

    I can’t tell if I’m dating this woman or not. I know the obvious way to solve this is to ask her, but I need some advice or clarification.

    We have been texting a lot and flirting over text. Going to some group events together. I just moved into a house and she came over and gave me some stuff to use and last night she helped me move a couch and stayed til 1am talking. We also have future plans to go to an event her work is putting on. This feels like dating...right? So it’s time to get some clarification, by asking her what we are doing....right?

    The most physical interaction we have had has been a hug at the end of the night.

    I’m awkward around her in person. When we were talking last night in person I was enjoying her company but at the same time I didn’t feel completely at ease either. Is this how liking someone feels? Is this normal?
     
  2. Confoozed

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    I don't know all that much about dating either but to me this could be a friendship too. The going to events together, staying to chat till late yes even the flirting I've seen this amongst friends. Sounds like you two haven't gone on actual dates alone together yet. I don't know but I think asking what it is you two have is a good move because it is hard to tell what someone else sees it as and we wouldn't want you seeing it as more than it actually is and get hurt. Also that feeling of not being at ease does not necessarily mean it's because you like someone you can feel like that around anyone so rather make sure by her...
     
  3. tystnad

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    From your post it is really hard to judge if you're dating, and it embodies a problem that often exists when it comes to relationships between women: when is someone just a flirty, touchy friend, and when is she romantically interested in you? The social expectations of what female friendships are like can make that really difficult to figure out, and as such, clear communication is key. Asking is definitely your best bet. It might be a little awkward, but it'll save you a lot of doubts and awkwardness in the future, and it'd suck for both of you to have different intentions and then find that out after a long while in a way that puts your friendship/romance at serious risk. She might have been wondering the same thing and just didn't know how to ask it, as well, so see it as doing her a favour too!

    If asking it straight as it is, try slipping in the word date somewhere. Since you've mostly hung out in group settings, suggest you go on a date some evening, just the two of you. Her response to the word 'date' might already clear things up - if she thinks this was 100% a friendship she'll be a little surprised by it and probably want to make clear that she has no romantic interest in you. But this method is not fool proof: I went on multiple dates without knowing they were dates because I had managed to convince myself that surely when this girl said date she meant friend date...:sweat_smile:
     
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  4. ajw347

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    I’ve never flirted like this with my friends before. She just asked me to go on vacation with her. I said no because we don’t know each other that well yet, but i’m Very tempted. And she this:

    ... I have scheduled this as a one-person trip. So things would have to be shared such as a bed LOL. So that's why I keep going back and forth LOL. Although the idea sounds fun... however you're the kind of girl that you want to take your time with.

    This sounds like an I want to be more than friends comment and we should probably take it slow.
     
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  5. Confoozed

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    Yes that definitely sounds like more than friends. I think that message of hers clearly shows where you two stands like you said she wants to be more than friends but yous should take it slow. At least you know now, maybe she would really like to do the trip with you but is too embarrassed to outright say it in case you are not comfortable with moving that fast. And staying in one room does not mean something has to happen, it's up to you...
     
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  6. ajw347

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    Yeah I know staying in the same room doesn’t mean anything has to happen. I don’t think the trip is a good idea because we hardly know each other and a whole week together with no time to your self might be hard. Besides that, I think you help me confirm that I should ask her how she wants to define this thing we have together. Thank you for your replies I really appreciate it.
     
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  7. silverhalo

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    Hey it is difficult to know what is going on sometimes and communication is usually the best cause of action but I can see that you also don't want to rock the boat or speak out of line. I do think what you are feeling is quite normal, the not feeling quite comfortable is ok, and not knowing what it is can also make the unease worse I think.
    I was going to say some people can be quite flirty without any intentions but then your second post with that message she sent you definitely sounds like she would like it to be more and was trying to indicate that.

    I guess my first question would be what exactly would you like it to be? I think it is important to be clear on what your ideal is.
    Perhaps you could say something back to her about how the holiday offer is really tempting but you don't want to rush things and you think that might be a bit too much too soon.
     
  8. Confoozed

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    I see, yes that makes sense especially since you said you don't feel completely at ease in her company either. So I guess it would be moving too fast, maybe some proper dates first? And you're more than welcome, happy I could be of some help...
     
  9. ajw347

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    Ok i’m Having some interesting reactions or lack of reaction to some stuff. 1. I spent most of the day with this women on Saturday. I was a little nervous to be around her. We took a walk in the park and I wanted to hold her hand, chickened out. We ended up watching a movie at her place and the whole time I wanted to be really close to her I was also kind of exhausted and wanted to lay on her lap. But again I chickened out. As I was about to leave I hugged her really tight and then she kissed me. My first kiss by the way! Before I knew it she had me half naked on the floor.

    I liked the experience, but my body didn’t react like I thought it would the first time someone touched me. I felt neither there with her or in a place of ecstasy. But there was no guilt no regret and I was completely willing.

    It’s not just my body that’s not reacting like I thought I would it’s also my attitude. I thought I was this good “Christian” girl, hahahahaha, who was waiting to have sex with a person I was in love with. I care about this women and interested in getting to know her better, but I can’t say i’m In love. I feel flipped upside down right now, not know which side is up.

    2. Last night she asked me if i’m Gay and I said I didn’t know all I knew was that I was not straight. It kind of feels like I don’t have a “sexuality”. Is that a thing, to have no sexuality?
     
  10. silverhalo

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    Hey, whilst annoying, I think its perfectly ok to know know exactly where you are at or how you are feeling. Not reacting the way you thought you would is not necessarily a bad thing but it can be confusing. The fact that you wanted to hold her hand and be close to her even though you chickened out are great signs that you like her. I think we can spend a lot of time watching tv shows and movies and thinking about what it will be like the first time we are with someone and often we can build up such a vivid picture or idea in our mind that when it happens and it doesn't match up to the picture we are sad or think it must mean that it is wrong. Sometimes when we are in that situation for the first time there is so much going on and so many new things that the brain is a bit overloaded.

    I think in many ways it would be best if nobody had a sexuality and everyone was just who they are and fell in love with whoever they fell in love with, sadly our brains love labels and society loves labels so we all feel we need one. I think its great to take your time and go with the flow and if you feel like you want to label it at a later date then great and if not then it really shouldn't matter.
     
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  11. ajw347

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    Thank you so much. I appreciate your responses. They really put me at ease and help me out.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    No worries, anytime. We all need a bit of reassurance sometimes, especially when everything is so new.