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What do I do?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Orchidea123, May 29, 2018.

  1. Orchidea123

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    I've been undeniably in love with a woman for 3 years. In my early 40s, married and have kids.
    This love has not faded as I was hoping. Nothing occurred romantically between us, but I've always had hope something would..
    I've gotten sensitive about her, and feelings so strong.. A simple text from an acquaintance for dinner w her produced a surge of emotion.

    Ever since i met her, my world has turned upside down. questioning sexuality, self perception/behavior/presentation, my future wants, you name it.

    I've gone along with it, concluded that I am probably not straight. At the same time, I chose to stay in marriage.
    I chose to keep seeing her in public, hoping that some day our communication will turn into strong relationship. It sounds terrible, but deep down inside I realized that if it does turn into relationship and I succeed in it romantically and physically, then I would leave my marriage knowing that I am indeed made to be with a woman, the woman I truly love.

    So now I don't feel there is ground under my feet. The idea of her seeing anyone else is very painful.
    I know it's not fair to her, she is entitled to whatever she wants in life.
    I just want her to date me.

    I feel exhausted from hope, my thoughs and feelings, i want her out of my heart.
    So, in the last few days its been impossible to hold my tears back, and I've gotten into several talks with my husband regarding our marriage.
    He can feel I am not present, and I have been declining intimacy in past several weeks. I think my body and mind have been overwhelmed.
    He suggested divorce or to separate, and told me it is not what he wants, but what I may actually need.
    He is suspecting the issues are stemming from my questioning. But it is more than questioning, its the whole package - my deep feelings for her.

    I tried to be loving with him today, to trick my mind. It felt really good to feel positive about him and I. But how long can I trick my mind for, I dont know..

    What do I do? I'm afraid separating in this state isn't a good idea.
     
  2. SoulSearch

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    Three years? I'm going on six months of a very similar situation and I'm about to go mad, so I can't imagine years of it. Is she single? Loving someone you don't feel you can be with is so hard. I have an active fantasy life, which doesn't help. I daydream of a life with her constantly while I maintain the appearance of my perfect marriage. My husband knows and is in denial. I kind of wish he'd give me a push to separate.

    Does she have feelings for you?
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    From what you've written, it doesn't sound like there's any immediate rush to make a decision. It's a suggestion, that's apparently been made with your interests in mind. Your husband seems understanding, so keep talking to him. You can't make an informed decision if you don't know what life might look like if you do separate.

    I know it's incredibly difficult, but as far as possible, try to take R out of the equation. Say nothing ever happens with R, would you want to be separated then? With time, would you be interested in dating other women? I don't think leaving for the possibility of something happening with R would be advisable, particularly given the hurt and confusion the relationship has already caused you. If your marriage isn't working in its own right, then that's a different situation. It seems though, that your feelings for R and/or your questioning are having an impact on your marriage. If you decide to stay in your marriage, do you think you'd be able to put either of these things to one side?

    I know you would like to date R, so what were you hoping to do about your marriage in that scenario? I know I've asked you that already, so don't answer if you don't want to. Just some things to think about.

    I'm really sorry that your having a tough time. Hugs.
     
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  4. Orchidea123

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    She is single, and I don't know what she feels for me.
    You may be in a similar boat, although I really hope you won't let it get to the point I've gotten myself to.. I feel like I've been punched in my stomach, all the time. Looking back I really wish I've taken bull by its horns right away, meaning, done everything asap to block her out of my life and focus on what I've been happy with - my marriage.
    I'd like to think that 3 years is not much, it's all relative, and I still can get ground under my feet. Do we have any other choice, but to care for our mind and soul?
    Was your marriage good before meeting her?
     
  5. Orchidea123

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    Thank you @LostInDaydreams.. I do need a hug. It's been a foggy few days and my mind is going back and forth as it looks like I'm at the crossroads.

    I do ask myself indeed if she is the only reason, if I need to explore.
    I want to be strong to avoid her 100% and to stick to it. I feel that maybe I have not been fair to my husband by shifting my focus onto her for the last 3 years.. That takes a lot out of marriage.
    I admit, that dating her would have made me end my marriage, at my own will.
    Many times throughout these years I wanted it, sounds terrible, I know..

    I am starting to realize the obvious though.. I need to get over her completely before asking myself if I need to explore.
    As for separation - you are right, I think slowing down with this type of decision is best.

    I've always thought that meeting her in my life was a shocking discovery of my possibly different orientation. But maybe, just maybe, this was unavoidable love and nothing else..
    Maybe tying her to something more significant, like my orientation, is unfair to me.
    There is so much pain, so I want to forget her completely.
    I don't know if this makes sense..
     
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  6. LostInDaydreams

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    @Orchidea123 Taking some time to think and explore sounds like a really good idea. Be kind to yourself too. You've had reasons for staying in your marriage and you haven't intended to put strain on it. You didn't ask for this to happen, but it has so just think about what the best way forward might look like?

    I also think avoiding R is a good idea, but I know it will be hard so don't beat yourself up if you fall down somewhere. No contact indefinitely might feel impossible right now, so perhaps try to break it down. You can avoid her for the next hour, right? Do that and then take the next hour when it comes. Be strong. You can do this.
     
    #6 LostInDaydreams, May 30, 2018
    Last edited: May 30, 2018
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  7. silverhalo

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    Hey you sound like you need many hugs. It's such a difficult situation. I think perhaps you need to try and objectively take a look at your marriage and I know it's difficult but if possible forgetting about the girl decide how you feel about your husband. Then of course there is the girl, we sure can't help who we fall for but I think sometimes when a situation is not healthy for us we need to try and take control of it for ourselves. I don't think the relationship you have with her is healthy even on the friend level. I'm not saying it's easy but I wonder if separation from your husband could bring you a new clarity and freedom. Even if she liked you you should only never leave your husband for you, not for a girl because otherwise she and any relationship you have with her will always bear the weigh of your left marriage on her shoulders.
     
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  8. Peterpangirl

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    It makes sense to me. I totally understand the pain of not being able to be with someone you have fallen in love with because of circumstances, because I have been there. Unexpressed love seems particularly potent....You say you need to forget her completely, but in my experience you never will...what will happen is that your mind will move to writing a new chapter and she will remain part of a previous chapter. A piece of grit is hard and sharp and it chaffes. But after a time layers build up around it like a pearl forming - it is still hard, but smooth - beautiful in its way. With the passage of time it becomes liveable as part of you. In falling so hard you have perhaps learned that the first cut is the deepest.
     
  9. silverhalo

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    This is a really great way of looking at it. I think one of the issues with unrequited love is that a lot of it is in your mind and by that I don't mean you are making it up, I mean your mind imagines how amazing it would be to be with that person and when our mind does that it always makes it picture perfect and so we find it hard to move on because our mind has put that person on such a pedastool that they seem that nobody else can compare when in reality finding someone how felt for you as you do for them would probably blow her clean out of the water.
     
  10. Orchidea123

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    Thank you all - sorry it has taken a bit to reply.. I really couldn't choose what to respond with, as there is just too much unknown.

    I've been feeling more realistic about her and making huge effort to not pay as much of attention /try to decipher her contradicting / hot cold behavior towards me, which has kept me in the fog all this time. She has certainly kept me at a distance and never been fully open with me..

    Much seems to be happening that is out of my control. Not that I want to control everything, it's not that at all.. I just want my grip back, the grip I've had for many grownup years..

    So.. I think it's a true process and I hope I am moving forward slowly but surely..
     
    #10 Orchidea123, Jun 13, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
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  11. Peterpangirl

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    Good plan. I have soooo been in your shoes.
     
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  12. silverhalo

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    I get that. You don't want to control everything but you want to be in control of yourself and not feel like a puppet where your strings are attached to her.
     
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  13. Peterpangirl

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    You will get to a better place with this. Be patient with yourself and know that you need time. Sometimes we don't choose our feelings but they happen anyway....
     
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  14. Orchidea123

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    Slowly but surely..
    I really wish we could stay friends without all the tension.
    I am trying to keep it all together, being at peace with myself, feelings and thoughts.

    I am figuring that for now, making drastic changes in my routine ( avoiding places where she goes also) is way too much. I don't want to do it this way anymore.

    So, I've come back to my usual routine (silly me) , which I'm somewhat happy about. Gives me comfort and personal satisfaction, while being mad at myself for not quitting cold turkey.
    Her and I - we are not speaking after certain situation.. I may have unintentionally made her jealous, maybe..
    There was a text exchange between another woman (X) , her (L) and I. L's reply to what X texted was brief . Then X texted a compliment /personal thing. It felt odd to be part of that chat. So I did the opposite of what I was feeling. I decided to show that X possibly going after L doesn't bother me, and threw a compliment to X and kind of showed myself off.
    Since that day L has not been speaking much to me, avoiding eye contact, and I've been feeling tense after that text exchange also.

    Today as I was leaving, she was facing me with a big not very genuine smile, looking into my eyes just to check if I am looking at her and immediately staring right past me. I don't even know how to interpret that.

    I assure you guys, with all this I still feel making progress, in way of detachment from what's going on. I don't know if they are games, and I don't want to play them.
     
    #14 Orchidea123, Jun 15, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
  15. Peterpangirl

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    I think gradual detachment is the way forward as you say. From what you have said it does sound like a kind of game play...and being caught up in such a thing is not doing you any good...it is just torturing you. Maybe try to focus on healthy self love, giving of yourself to friends around you who are kind and honest...and receiving similar care in return.
     
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  16. Orchidea123

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    Yes, a game play for sure..
    It's been a fair exchange in my friendships usually, most of the time.
    This one is just so bizarre. Can't believe I've fallen into it..

    Maybe I've given it all undeserved significance and attention because this has been my first love for a woman.
    Maybe it just had to be this way..

    In any case, I am truly wishing to free myself. It is a significant step, since it feels like I've been under the spell for 3 long years..
     
  17. Orchidea123

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    'Strings attached to her' - good analogy. Yes, I definitely feel this way..
     
  18. silverhalo

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    Have you ever read the thing about people coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime? I feel like potentially she came into your life for a reason, she came to show you your attraction for women. As you say maybe it need to be that intense and deep for you to realise what could be. But now her reason is over, you know and accept you attraction to women and so you can move forward and as a relationship with her is never going to work long term, now is your time to move on from her.
     
  19. silverhalo

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    Maybe it's time to cut the strings.