Some kind of something

hi there everyone, i didn't forget about my other thread, I want to go back and respond to everything on there... but i hope you don't mind me sharing what I'm feeling right now.

I may be having a drink at the moment and that may or may not make me write in my drinking voice... not sure how that compares to my normal voice?

So.... I'm feeling something interesting, I think maybe for the first time in well ever (I was originally thinking since starting to come out, but I realise I've never really quite felt this way).

....I'm starting to feel some sense of home, an anchor, some sense of clarity.

My life has always felt a bit like a puzzle with no clear answer, I've been searching for years, and I think I've finally found my home. And it's within me, it's a sense of clarity in who I am, an understanding of self i've never had before.

First I'm a raging lesbian, obviously

Ok tmi probably... but when i kiss my girlfriend, and I don't mean when we are in a *moment*, like in the morning, a soft tender loving kiss, I'm so turned on... I'm so turned on *all the time* by her. I notice and appreciate women all the time and feel so good and comfortable with it. I feel so much more in touch with my sexuality, and I can't believe I've denied it for so long.

Second, I'm an activist, a fighter for my community. I got this job, I mentioned it to you all on my other thread. I'm going to be working for my community, and I'm so excited. I run my lgbtq group, and that is such an amazing experience. And I seem to just keep falling into other queer things, I'm working with someone who's doing some kind of panel for creative gender non conforming/ non binary and trans queers. And there's my queer friends, and Pride coming up soon... I feel so in touch with my community, my identity. It's so incredible to have this beautiful queer family around me.

I'm a mum who happens to be gay. I feel so good now as a mum. I used to struggle so much making friendships with other mums, I felt so out of place. But now I feel I can just be me.

I'm a butch/genderqueer lesbian, I feel so much more in touch with my body, my gender and my self expression.

Of course all the other parts of who I am that I've been more open about and that all fits so comfortably with everything else, I'm a nerd, a misfit, a feminist, a hopeless optimist, a huge geek.

And it's other stuff that's not easy to describe that create this feeling. I was feeling not that long ago, how did I get here, to this place in my life...? I've felt lost for a long time, coming out and changing everything in my life, my family far far away, feeling alone here in this city, and everything familiar just slipping away. But now I feel like, yep this is exactly how my life was meant to go, this is exactly where I'm meant to be.

I mean obviously there are deep painful things that have happened along the way, and I still have trouble making sense of the closet that I've built for so long, and the guilt in leaving my husband, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to totally reconcile what happened with my partner's ex.

But me, getting here, taking this really twisty path, and ending up where I am, it feels like it's all finally making sense...