Hi, I'm an 18 yr old girl and I've just been feeling really confused lately so if anyone would like to help out that would be amazing! Basically I've always been kind of obsessed with girls since I was really young, like I used to feel things whenever I thought about two girls being together etc and when I found out what lesbians were I was kind of like wow that's hot XD Anyway, when I started going through puberty I kind of came up with "crushes" on boys just to kind of fit in and I also thought it was exciting- not knowing whether they liked you or not if that makes sense? But at the same time I tried watching porn and the only one I enjoyed was lesbian. At this point I didn't know any gay people and I was having a kind of crisis about thinking I was gay and that I could never tell anyone cause I was worried about what my family would say. Now, the past couple of years I stopped thinking about it so much and have dated a couple of guys. I think since puberty I have become more attracted to men because the broad shoulders and stuff attract me (more aesthetically than sexually though) and I have definitely been aroused when kissing a boy once or twice. I have got over all the internalised homophobia now and have had some crushes on girls but been to scared to act on them. I've also had some dreams about being with a girl and every time I woke up feeling strange but hoping that I could dream of it again. Honestly, I just really want to be with a girl but I feel like I'm almost fooling myself into thinking I'm gay? Because I some guys attractive and generally see them in a more sexual way than girls although romantically I think I'm more drawn to women. I don't know. Maybe it's just because I have more experience with boys and am conditioned to see them in a more sexual way by society. Anyway, sorry for this being kinda long and let me know what you think! x
You know you can be romantically attracted to females and sexually attracted to guys. That’s a thing. And if you feel something when looking at a girl crush then you could be gay. You’re probably bi sexual and which can be a lot of things but just attracted to both genders a little or a lot in some way. If that doesn’t fit right for you can just accept that your queer. I don’t know just maybe experiment some more and give it time. You’ve got plenty of it.
hey blackandgrey, glad to see you've found your way here because sometimes figuring things out can be a very lonely process! your story sounds a lot like many stories i've seen around EC and heard in other spaces, if you do a forum search of bi/lesbian you might come across a lot of stories that you can relate to just to see that you're not alone and this is a very normal process to go through! it is quite possible to be attracted to multiple genders, but to experience that attraction in different ways. there are all sorts of reasons for that, i.e. the way we perceive gender, whether we're attracted to masculinity or femininity, both or neither, society teaching us that heterosexuality is the norm, the way we interact with people of opposite/same genders (i.e. it is much more common for women to be affectionate than for men to be so it makes the line between friendship/romance more difficult to figure out), etc. that said, i'm going to give you an answer that is not very helpful: everything you said could potentially be true. you could be into both men and women. a lot of gay women also do initially think they have crushes on men, but stop getting them or realise they weren't genuine. based on your post, it sounds like you're attracted definitely to women and likely to both, but we can't feel what you feel and only you can really tell. i think your fear of acting on crushes on girls might be complicating things, because it doesn't allow you to explore yourself - maybe try tackling that, one step on the time? allow your attraction to reign free and just explore it a bit more (beyond porn, which is a very poor indicator, unfortunately). It might actually teach you a lot about your attraction to men, too, interestingly enough! Take your time - like Ham said, you have time, even if it might feel like you don't. There's no deadline on figuring things our, so enjoy the exploration, let yourself feel things, and don't fall into the danger of over-analzying (which will only stress you out and not yield many results). you can even try on labels, to see what resonates with you. look in the mirror and say "i'm bi" or "i'm gay" a couple of times, see how it feels. a label is not a legally binding contract - if after a while you feel like your feelings change (i.e. you stop being attracted to a gender), or your perception of feeling change (i.e. you realize your attraction to a gender wasn't genuine) you're very free to change your label. it is not unusual at all for people to identify as bi before they identify as gay, or vice versa.
Thank you for the lovely response! I guess I just need to stop worrying about it so much because I definitely think I’m over analysing.
This is good advice. I'm kinda like this. Romantically I'm more into women because it's easier for me to connect with them, but sexually I like guys more because, like you, I really like certain masculine features. I call myself bi because it encompasses all of my attractions the best, but I'm also fine with using queer or fluid as well. All those words can be used to describe someone with your attractions.
