I've experimented with relationships with women and men after being single all my life due to being scared of sexual relationships. Finally gather the courage to date and turns out I was right to be scared. I get turned on but not enough for penetrative sex and barely even enough to climax through masturbation when with someone else. I just feel under pressure being sexual with another person despite finding both male and females attractive. I get more turned on from porn and can climax easily and quickly so I guess that rules out asexuality? Thing is I want a relationship and want to date but need to find a suitable partner. I've looked at assexual dating sites but feel it is just as awkward explaining that I might be sexually attracted to them on some level and get frustrated that they don't want this. Perhaps there are similar people on these sites as me. Is there a dating site for people who are just sexually dysfunctional? I'm not sure if my problems are physical or mental but I'm trying to work through them.
It's pretty clear from what you describe that you aren't asexual. (And the whole notion of "asexual dating sites" is another thing, but I won't go there right now.) My first question: Is it possible there's shame involved here? Or a history involving some sort of trauma growing up? Both are likely causes of the anxiety and related issues that seem to be at play. The best solution for what you're describing is getting help from a therapist. Most of what causes problems with sexual intimacy has to do with unresolved emotional issues that effectively block sexual desire, and working with a therapist can really help in letting go of those issues that get in the way.
Thanks. I think you're right to an extenf. I think it's a combination of elements throughout my life that have led to this situation. Also, I think a lot of people who describe themselves as assexual might be the same. Eventually you might have to give in and realise you're fucked sexually and can only have a romantic non sexual relationship with someone who is happy with that. The fact that I have no problem using porn doesn't negate the fact that I'm struggling to get aroused in the company of others. I wonder how many pronounced assexuals actually enjoy porn and masturbation regularly. I've had therapy and am continuing to do so but I'm not really having any luck in changing so far. I'm trying hypnotherapy too next week. Wish me luck.
The use and enjoyment of porn and masturbation does not automatically mean that you cannot be ace. To my understanding, asexuality is a spectrum, and not outright black and white. My room mate is rather adament that he is not interested in sex with other people. He is rather firm that he is asexual, and he masturbates religiously. A former girlfriend was perfectly fine without masturbation, and regularly would go months without sex, only ever bothering with it because she enjoyed the closeness with her partners. She was adamently asexual as well. Your experience is your own. No lable can make you any less legitimately you. My impression is that you may need some time to sit down and do some soul searching on if you are ok with how your body reacts to certain stimulation, and how you have chosen to handle it. You may want to spend some time after becoming comfortable with those decisions and realizations to examine what it is you want from having a romantic partner. Armed with the knowledge and security of that information can help you when looking for a romantic partner, if you decide you want one at all. Fighting against what people expect of you because of a lable can be disheartening, and it's definitely an uphill battle. I don't think you have"problems" perse, because I don't see the inability to climax with a partner, or the lack of desire for penetrative sex as a problem. Societal standards want you to think it's a problem, but screw that. No one has to live in your pants but you, they may as well be comfortable, yes? Don't force yourself to do something you aren't comfortable with.
Again, we have a choice: We can use the widely used definition of asexuality that has been extensively studied, researched, written about, and is quite well understood by mental health professionals and sexologists... or we can use the evidence-free crowdsourced groupthink definition (which is actually not even a definition, as it is so broad that almost anyone can be made to fit it.) The evidence-free definition is not widely accepted, is not generally used by credible professionals or researchers in the field, and isn't very useful. Unfortunately, a small but loud group of people have promoted this definition and given the illusion that it is, in fact, a widely accepted definition. It is not. If we are using the widely used and well established definition, then asexuality is in the same realm as homosexuality and heterosexuality: it is hardwired and unchangeable, and fixed early in life or before birth. People who meet this definition generally have no interest in sex. The aren't averse to it or afraid of it or frightened or irritated by the idea of it; they simply have no interest. This behavior is consistent over time. When someone has an aversion, fear, distaste, or discomfort surrounding sex, that isn't biologically hardwired; it is a learned behavioral trait, almost always a byproduct of some form of early childhood trauma, which may or may not be in conscious memory. Additionally, for anyone suffering from anxiety or depression, those disorders (along with others) actually include a loss or suppression of sexual desire as a normal side-effect of the primary disorder. Again, these people, according to this definition, aren't any more asexual than someone who has the flu and has no interest in having sex while s/he has a fever of 102 degrees is asexual; it is a secondary effect of an unrelated primary disorder. I do agree that no one can tell anyone else what their sexual orientation is. I also agree that anyone can use any label they want to label themselves; if I want to say I'm unicornsexual, that's my right. And if I want a definition that will actually be useful in communicating with others, using a widely accepted definition is a lot more helpful than using one that either has no grounding in any sort of science or research, or is otherwise not widely used. To do otherwise sort of defeats the entire purpose of using a label at all, unless one is doing it solely to feel special. I also concur that there's no need to attach to *any* label to oneself, or to conform to societal standards about what one should or should not do or be in a relationship. There may be costs, in terms of social acceptability, if someone is so non-conforming that s/he stands out from others in society, but if that is a cost one is OK with, there's nothing wrong with it. Being authentic is important, and 'belonging' is also important, so sometimes we have to think about both of these factors together.
Can relate. Didn't really have sex til I was 24, even though I came out at 18. I even thought I might be asexual at one, brief point. But there's a difference between shyness, or having problems with sexual intimacy as Chip succinctly put it, or having low libido because of other things (e.g. depression) and not being interested in sex, full stop. I calmed down, and realised I wasn't asexual. Also, therapy does help if you can get that.
The way I know asexuality is that it's a lack of sexual attraction specifically. I think being scared of sex is something different. I ID as asexual and the way I personally experience it is that I've never met a person who I wanted to have sex with. I don't find people attractive. I can look at a man or a women and see them as good looking, but I do not wish to engage in any sexual activity with them. As for stuff like masturbation, asexuals can indeed masturbate and we do have libidos - as I said, it's about attraction, and there's no attraction involved in masturbation/horniness
