I'm a 27 year old guy, I'm not hideously unattractive, I'm not overweight, I don't smell, I'm generally an easy going down to earth person who isn't horrible to anyone. My interests are typical of most people my age, I'm very into music, I like watching films, I like to leave the house and go outdoors etc. I don't play video games all day or any of that shit. Yet despite all that I'm completely alone. I have no friends, no lovers, no social life whatsoever. It's not that I feel entitled to people liking me all the time (I'm obviously not going to be for everyone) it's just I can't figure out why no one ever seems to. I thought by now I would have found at least some people or a person (around my age) I connect with. I haven't. In fact I've more or less spent all of my twenties (so far) completely alone. That isn't really what I had in mind for my life and I'm not okay with it. I actually had what I thought were a pretty good group of friends between 18 and 19 year old. We did all the usual things people that age did, went out, got drunk, went to pubs, bars, gigs etc.. but gradually I lost touch with everyone. Around 19-20 I began to feel like I was a burden to everyone I interacted with and that people were only associating with me out of pity or as some kind of running joke. Any confidence I thought I had was completely gone and I stopped going out. I'm still not 100% certain it was all me that caused my situation or if people really did consider me a burden and I did the right thing by distancing myself from them. The fact that none of them have bothered to try and reconnect makes me wonder if someone betrayed me and dragged my name through the mud when my back was turned due to either some well hidden narcissistic insecurity or/and maybe I accidentally offended someone. I almost wish I had never experienced anything resembling a normal social life because now I'm just constantly aware of what I'm missing. I think this situation also affects my sexuality in the sense that as I have no one in my life I have no opportunity to experiment and therefore no way of really knowing where my preferences lie. I seem to be paying more attention to guys than to women. As I don't interact with either though how can I really be sure? How the hell does someone make friends as an adult with no contacts? I'm not even sure who I should be attempting to befriend at this point. I know someone will say "join a club or interest group" but here in the UK those things tend to be for either kids or people who are middle aged or older. The culture here is heavily centered around drinking and going out and most young adults meet new people through friends they already have. Someone else from the UK please correct me if I'm wrong on that one.
Hey NobleShark, I agree that it can be challenging at this age to find friends. Are you working at the moment? What about any colleagues that you get along with? Although I know some people don't necessarily want to hang out with those they work with, so you might not be interested in this option (if it applies). So you're into music? Do you play anything at all? Would you be interested in starting up a band just for a laugh and to meet others with similar interests? If you don't play, what about going to local gigs? Strike up a conversation with someone who may also be there solo (much easier said than done, I know). What about volunteering doing something you enjoy? It might be a good way of finding friends? I'm 29 and from the UK too. I'll shorty be moving away from home to a place where I will not know anyone at all and will be completely alone. I've wondered the same myself - how on earth am I going to make new friends at this age? I'll be honest - I even went online to and there are such websites which are the "friend" equivalent to dating sites...personally I had a quick look and I don't think it's for me, but maybe it's something you can look into? What's your living situation at the moment? If it's possible, maybe look for a house-share if that's something you're open to - I've decided to do this when I move, you'll be surprised how many people around our age are looking to share a house or flat.
I don't know if you attended college, or "uni" as people in the UK seem to call it...but once you're past that, yes, it's hard for most people to make friends. I can't speak to the UK, but a lot of people in the US seem to rely on the internet and work to make friends after school. I don't know if you have a job or what your working situation is like in terms of the people. As far as the internet, there are so many crappy dating sites, but also stuff like Meetup...and also sites specifically for making friends or penpals. I'm not saying you have all the sites we have, but just that the internet has opened some doors as far as how to meet other people and there should be a site where you can "meet" other people in the UK online and then, if you're interested, meet them in person. I also don't know how outgoing you are, or extroverted, but it also seems to be harder for introverts and people who are not outgoing. People don't really hang out with others out of pity. To me, friendship is generally about what you get from interacting with another person--or at least that's what it seems to be to most people, even if they don't really want to admit it to themselves--and you don't get anything out of interacting with someone you only interact with due to pity. ......is about the fact that you stopped giving them anything that would make them want to be friends with you. Just my theory. They had no real reason to contact you because...out of sight, out of mind. Most young people eventually lose the friends they had when they were younger, one way or the other. And to be clear, I don't mean "giving" as in physically handing over something...although that could be the case, too. But it could be fun, listening, advice, laughter...anything that people got from you that they enjoyed or needed. You cut it off, so they got it elsewhere and, more or less, moved on from you. Like I said, you have the internet and even EC--use this stuff to your advantage. Talking to people in person and meeting people the old skool way are not the only ways to figure out sexual orientation or develop friendships. You have all these people here who relate to you, just tons of questioning people here--including questioning men--and if you're as "typical" as you say you are, you should be able to find friends and followers here and other places online pretty easily.
No, I didn't. I wish I had though. The group of friends and acquaintances I referenced were generally in the age bracket right before university, they weren't really "school friends" either (although some of them were) it's difficult to explain. I don't right now, but I think in most cases I wouldn't form friendships through work, as most employers tend to employ people from a wide range of ages, which don't get me wrong is a good thing, but I'm more interested in forming friendships with people (roughly) my age. I see no problem with befriending older people, in fact in many ways I probably have more in common with many older people than I do people my own age. I just personally think it's important to have at least one or two decent friends from your own generation. I think it helps keep a person tethered to reality. This might sound weird but I have reservations about sites like meetup in case I end up meeting a straight guy I'm attracted to. Although people aren't "supposed" to be homophobic let's face many of them are. I am not good at covering up my automatic body language when I think someone is attractive unless I completely jam my real personality right from the start which kind of defeats the point. Maybe that's another issue. I would say I'm more on the introverted side but in the right situation with the right people I could be quite outgoing. So you think it was mainly my fault, fair enough. I think so as well. The point of my original post was that talking to people in person and meeting people face to face on a regular basis is what I feel like I'm desperately lacking right now. As far as I'm aware EC doesn't allow people to share contact details as it's intended solely for support and not for facilitating meet-ups/dates. The reason i call myself "questioning" here is because while I'm pretty certain I'm attracted to guys, I'm not 100% sure how I feel towards women any more, so you could say I'm "bicurious" but lean more towards guys. I also kind of disagree with you when you say"Talking to people in person and meeting people the old skool way are not the only ways to figure out sexual orientation or develop friendships." I've seen probably at least a couple of posts by other EC member describing how they felt turned on by the thought of something or a fantasy but totally underwhelmed or even repulsed by the reality. And friendship to me is a form of love, not necessarily romantic or sexual in nature but a form of love nonetheless which can't really be compared to the pen-pal or forum-friend dynamic. I still very much appreciate the interactions I have here however.
I play the piano/keys and a bit of percussion (but who doesn't play percussion.) Starting a band is definitely something I've considered. To be honest my strengths there lie more in the creative process (making new things up) as well as electronically producing. I don't know if I'm capable of being that outgoing. I feel as though I've been knocked back one too many times in the past. It's also not always easy to tell who is there solo particularly when one or both parties is "cognitively impaired." That sounds a bit stressful, I wish you the best of luck with the move. I'm currently living with my parents (but things aren't quite as cushy and loving here as a lot of people would like to believe.) House sharing is something I've considered but I know I have a tendency to get a bit stressed out if I'm surrounded by people 24/7 and I'm slightly worried I might end up hating the people I've forced myself to live with.
I don't think we're understanding each other on a few points. I don't know if Meetup is in the UK or not, but with Meetup you can join LGBT groups and go to meetups. I wasn't necessarily talking about meeting straight people or only meeting straight people. I didn't say it was your fault you lost your friends or don't have friends. I said most people lose the friends they made when they were younger, one way or the other. Whether you had stopped talking to them or not, you probably still wouldn't be friends today. I know you want to meet people in person, but I'm saying since it's so hard use the internet to get to that "in person" part. Step 1 is find people you have things in common with online, Step 2 is seeing if you might want to meet them, and Step 3 is actually meeting them. I was not particularly talking about meeting people off EC; you can find other sites that aren't as strict about contact info. My point about EC is a lot of people are going through the same thing and can help you figure out how you feel about women or whatever you need to figure out without experience. But you seem fairly against using the internet to meet people, and you already pre-rejected some ideas people would typically give for meeting people the old-fashioned way. Honestly, you're not in a position to be as picky/choosy/narrowminded as you are about this, if you really want friends and want to meet guys or women for potential dating prospects. You either have to accept that meeting people is probably going to just happen by chance if you stick to meeting people in person--which is going to mean continuing on now for who knows how long without friends and without guys/women to "experiment" with--or you're going to have to try something that is not necessarily ideal.
I can kinda relate to how you feel. I don’t live in the UK, nor do I have trouble making friends/going on dates. But I feel lonely because I’m not a “typical” 26-year-old, lol. I don’t care about going to clubs, bars, parties, etc. The things I like to do are often seen as boring or childish to a lot of people my age (at least that’s how it seems). I like doing things like hanging out at my place or a friend’s place while we watch movies and do arts & crafts. Or things like going to museums, art festivals, swimming in a lake, taking our dogs to the dog park, etc. I have close friends, but they like going out to clubs/bars and drinking. I don’t find that fun. In fact, I think it’s a waste of money and boring. I don’t know what’s so fun about drinking a bunch of booze and sitting around watching obnoxious people. My friends want to hang out with me, but I often avoid hanging out with them because they never want to do what I enjoy doing. I usually always go with the flow of what they want to do, but they always have an excuse for why they can’t do what I like doing. And I’ve grown exhausted from making myself hang out in a setting that I don’t enjoy. So I stay home and talk to people online that I relate to. It also sucks because I’m not even an introvert. I also feel like my friends aren’t interested in discussing the things I like to discuss. I like to discuss ideas and concepts. My friends will often not follow my train of thought, or they’ll get bored/confused and become uninterested. My friends like to talk about surface level things like sports teams, food, concerts, work drama, etc. I grow bored of these things quickly. I feel like the interaction with my friends lacks depth, and that’s upsetting. So perhaps this could be your problem.
I know. But I'm also open to befriending people who aren't LGBT. I didn't say I was flat out against the idea, just that I have some reservations. From what I've observed this isn't necessarily the case, a lot of the people I new when I was younger still seem to be friends to this day, at least from I could gather on facebook (a lot of them were still checking up on each other and arranging to meet up etc.) I eventually just got rid of my account. I wouldn't say there is a misunderstanding here. We just have a fundamental difference of opinion. As I said... I think experience is paramount and no amount of conjecturing can bypass that. I think it has some value but it can only take a person so far. When I said "I think in most cases I wouldn't form friendships through work" I'm not saying I'm against the idea on principle, just that it seems pretty unlikely to happen. I'm completely open to the possibility.
In your original post, you mentioned that you like the outdoors and I can suggest a couple of groups for UK gay men who like outdoor pursuits, if you are interested. Might be a way of connecting with gay guys for friendship, at the very least and discovering more about your sexuality. Ultimately, you have to put yourself out there to meet people and not make excuses not to. When you've been disconnected for a long time it's very easy to develop a life limiting, can't do attitude, but you are an adult with full capacity and the wherewithal to turn things around. To some extent, you need to take the plunge, because the clock of life doesn't stop ticking if you don't. Not saying this to be harsh, but it is the reality we must all face, I'm afraid.
None of the interests or activities you've suggested seem overly childish to me. What I meant by "my interests are typical of most people my age" is that I'm not into the kinds of things which most people tend to find "weird" or off-putting for an adult to do; I don't collect toys or comic books, obsess over cartoons or play video games all day. I'm not putting down anyone with those kinds of interests, I'm just saying it's not a relevant issue in my case. I have no interest in sports either which as a male is often a deal breaker when it comes to friendship. I also relate to you on the the issue of people discussing "drama". I find gossiping really tedious and have a pretty low tolerance for it.
I'm going to be blunt. Get a Job. You have 2 strikes against you. 1. You're 27 and living at home with Mom and Dad. 2. You have no job. If I found myself in your situation, I'd do whatever I could to get out of that situation. Do you have a skill? A trade - can you swing a hammer? Dig a hole? There's still work to be had overseas.
