trans? nb? ftm? agender? help???

I don't know what you might feel your gender to be. I say just keep doing research. Look through and find all the terms that you can. When you find one that fits you, look further into it. When you find something, it should click, or it might take some looking into. If all else fails, Questioning is valid. Remember, you may not find anything that fits you. It's always different for everyone. Just do your research and never stop asking people.

 

hey toothpaste!
i don’t really have the most useful experience to share because i actually thought i was genderqueer at first but then realised i wasn’t when i started embracing it. i think finding a label right now is not so much about digging into possible reasons, but maybe more about paying attention and exploring yourself a little. that could be in many ways, by trying on a label, maybe going into stores and just trying on different outfits (don’t need to buy them!), learning about how gender works, and talking to people in similar situations (posting here is a great start! make sure to also read posts by others, there might be some people who experience something that makes you go “hey, me too!”

as for binding: it wearing a bra hurts your shoulder/chest area, a binder will unfortunately do so as well. they compress the area and even the really well made ones are not necessarily super healthy, especially if you wear them long/a lot. if you haven’t yet experimented with anything, you could try using high compression sport bras as a safer option, although it obviously compressed less than a sports bra. if you google binding methods, there are many sources out there that show you how to hide your chest with all sorts of methods, including things like layered and reversed sport bras. just make sure to always research if the options are safe (especially bc you already have some problems in that area), and NEVER use ace bandages! and make sure to build it up slowly, so maybe start with wearing it at home for 30 minutes a day for a couple of weeks, then an hour, then two hours, instead of just binding for 8 hours straight in a place where you’re unable to take the binding method off if it becomes uncomfortable/painful or you get trouble breathing.

 

Heads up: This is a really long post. I hope it helps.

On binding, I actually have fewer problems binding than I do wearing my bra (like, my back doesn't hurt as much as when I have a bra on, because it is compressed and the weight of my chest is more evenly distributed.) I also bind with the full tank-top binder, so that could influence my experience. That said, listen to your body, and if it hurts too much take it off. Like tystnad said, there are other ways to hide curves and they're probably healthier.

For discussing these things with close friends or family, I've found it best to just bring up the topic in general, vaguely, and ask their opinions as a way of gauging their views and how safe it would be to hint that you're questioning. Once you deem it safe enough, I've found that having close friends call me my chosen name, and using my pronouns seriously helps. Also, just about everyone on this site is going to be on your side so if you need to vent, or you don't think it's safe to address with anyone you know offline, you can come party here.

For swimming- there are binders that are okay to swim in, and some even have zippers down the front so they are easy to take off if it starts constricting too much. Swim shorts are fantastic, but I'm not sure how they fare in competitive swimming. If you don't want to bind while swimming, you could wear either a sports type bikini top under a shirt, or you could wear the female swimsuit under a shirt (up to you) and pair of swim shorts. Of course the later options aren't ideal, but I don't want you to endanger your health, if binding isn't an option. That said, friggen congratulations on being confident in a swimsuit. That's something that is rare even for cis people- so kudos.

On discovering my gender- that's still up in the air some, mostly because 1) I don't trust my state or my peers to accept me enough to let me be, much less enough to use the right pronouns. 2) I am neurodivergent, so my brain doesn't do what most brains typically do. As such, it's difficult for me to say "YES. I am this gender." - because by saying that I'm effectively looping myself in with a bunch of neurotypical people who behave extremely different to me. (it's that way no matter what gender I choose). Honestly what led me to questioning was the fact that I completely despise all post-pubescent aspects of my body (I kinda wish I'd stayed 10 years old- I got away with so much, and I didn't have these stupid hormones muddling my brain. Also all my health issues seemed to appear after puberty started). I also don't comprehend the social purpose of being an attractive woman. I asked basically every female in my life why they were happy with their body, and their body shape and the purpose that it served them when they weren't nursing babies. The reasons were a) manipulation, and b) sex/being attractive to their significant other. When I realized that all of that despite for my body, and my attraction to masculinity and masculine activities, I started googling and researching gender. All that said, I do still enjoy things that are considered feminine, I just prefer to present masculine or androgynous.

Something that helped me throughout all of that was finding a name that I liked, and that felt like a truly me name. Then I started having my friends refer to me by that name, and if it worked out (as the current one has for about a year) I would keep it. Looking at definitions of names and origin also helped. I still dress femininely on occasion- usually for things like doctor's appointments, or when I'm going to large family gatherings. I'm also an actor and since I'm not out publicly or legally, I am often cast in female roles. Other times, I haven't done laundry and all my masculine clothes are dirty so I wear girlier ones (like leggings.) I also found it helpful (in a really strange way) to wear men's underwear? Like, it's near impossible to wear discreetly in clothing designed for girls (boxers bunch, and boxer briefs still show through slim jeans, and are impossible to wear comfortably in leggings or skinny jeans. I can't vouch for briefs.)- however, with the right pants, it can rock. I've also taken a liking to wearing men's undershirts- especially while binding. Nobody can really tell, and they probably don't care, but it helps me personally.

I understand the concern with being attracted to guys who date guys, but I found it more useful to focus inward and try to identify myself, before attempting relationships with other people. I think being able to relate a bit to guys that aren't stereotypical heterosexual men, is not a bad thing.
Dysphoria is, in general, a disconnect to your body or parts of your body (to my understanding). For me, it was especially my chest, and I would try to imagine what I looked like without the excess flesh and organs there. Ultimately my dysphoria led me to covering mirrors anytime I showered or changed (which certainly didn't help public opinion that I was a vampire). I've heard of trans people without dysphoria and I think it just means that they have a higher tolerance of themselves, which rocks. Dysphoria sucks.

 

No problem. I love helping people. <3 It's just what I do I suppose.

 

I feel almost the same way.
Sometimes I will think I want to be male (I was born female) and then when I think about
short hair, the clothes, flat chests, and genitalia, it makes me super uncomfortable.

I do like dressing feminine sometimes, but not all the time. I'm mostly going around in
graphic-t's and sweaters. But I do like feminine fashion over masculine fashion.

I think I'm androgynous, but sometimes I get this little tick and I want to be extremely masculine for about two point
five seconds. Yes, it's weird and I don't know where it comes from, but it happens.


I'm not too obsessed with guys. I'm involved in a relationship (not bf/gf) with a male, yet sometimes I feel
like I would really enjoy a girlfriend and on different days, I feel like I would hate it.
But only time will tell. I want to have time someday to figure it out... Maybe when I'm in another part of my life.


But, yeah, aside from the rant, I understand what you're feeling, haha.