I am a 34 year old man who feels like he is just now starting to figure things out. I have only had one relationship with a woman in my life, and that ended in disaster. Not for sexual reasons, but because she was borderline and bipolar both. I never did think the sex was all that, but I never thought about it until last night when I was out at this local pub, and a well dressed, nicely kept man caught my eye. This has never happened before so I had a combination of fear and relief. Growing up, I remember my dad saying that if he ever had a gay son that he would disown him, and that has stuck with me all these years. Also, I live in a small community in the South, so most people haven't caught up with the 21st century. Anyway, I have spent my whole life virtually alone, and last night when that happened, it got me to thinking. What do you guys think?
I think part of the answer to your question is in whatever reason(s) why you spent most of your life alone/single. Why have you mostly been single for 34 years? That's basically a rhetorical question/something for you to really think about, not necessarily to answer here.
I'm guessing you found him attractive b/c you're gay or bi. Its possible given where you live and what you've learned from your dad that you might've repressed your feelings until the "right" guy got your attention.
Most gay people have some sense of their true sexuality from the time puberty hits. Of course the influences from family, friends, church, school and society in general can cause us to suppress these feelings, and a lack of acceptance often results in denial. When we begin to shed that denial, the feelings we suppressed bubble up to the surface. You didn't talk about your attractions in your post, so it's hard to tell if you've identified as straight all this time, or if you really knew deep down that you had attractions to men but were suppressing these desires. So, is this a new-found feeling? Or has some part of you always known? Since you joined EC in 2015, I'm assuming you've been questioning your sexuality for a while now. What have you learned about your sexuality in the last few years that sheds light on the pub visit Friday night? And yes, I think that when a father tells his son that he would be disowned if he was gay it could certainly cause the son to suppress his homosexual desires in order to be the dutiful son and do what is expected of him. This site is full of such stories.
Thank you so much guys. These replies are so helpful. As far as my attractions in the past, I grew up/live in a small southern community so the people here are not exactly in the 21st century yet, but I really haven't had an attraction to either up until that shocking night. I had been dealing with ptsd so that might have been causing some things to hold back also. Up until now I have been identifying as asexual, however, this incident has me questioning everything I know about myself.
My partner and I moved to a house on 10 acres in rural Missouri. We've made more good Gay friends in the area than we ever had in the Chicago. You might be surprised what / who is around you.
I guess the south has become a lot more accepting than I give her credit for, huh? My family/upbringing is probably what got me to thinking that way, but I digress. Anyway, I said it out loud to myself today, that I am probably gay and for the first time ever it did not feel bad. It almost felt relieving. After 34 I think I have finally found my answers. Thank you everyone.
I'd like to suggest to you that you look yourself in the mirror - really look at your own eyes in the mirror and say "I'm gay." How does that feel?
I did as you suggested, and it felt more natural than I thought it would. I don't know what that means exactly. Is fluid sexuality a possibility?
There's an old saying "When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." What it means is that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. While sexual fluidity certainly exists, the most likely explanation is that you're beginning to explore some feelings that you buried long ago, out of fear and shame. Perhaps you identified as asexual simply because you have been repressing your feelings, and therefore you are just now beginning to break through that to discover the feelings that are bubbling up inside you. I would suggest that you give yourself the time and patience to get comfortable with these feelings. Allow yourself the freedom to look at other men, notice their features and qualities that may be attractive to you. It may take some time to do this, so be patient. Whatever your attractions are, allowing yourself to feel them is a good beginning. One thing that hasn't been addressed in this thread, though, is what you fantasize about when you masturbate - without porn. This is usually a good indicator of our sexuality.
That resonates with me as I had trauma in early adolescence and it wasn't until I started to deal with it, well over 20 years later, that I began to assimilate the fact that I was bi rather than straight. I felt previously that I was - I won't say asexual, but maybe just not as motivated as other people seemed to be. That has all changed. I'm starting to see attractive men and women everywhere now when I'm out whereas previously I would rarely notice people at all and was only attracted to certain defined types.
Now it gets touchy for me. Because I'm beginning to discover the true me, and I live in a small town at the moment, several times I am tempted to move to a more "gay-friendly" area. And to do that, I don't know where to start.
If you want to move somewhere, the best place to start is to secure a job there. Maybe that could be your future goal.
That was just sort of me thinking out loud. I've got so much running through my head right now that I'm not sure doing anything that big would be a good idea. I'm just now starting to truly discover myself, so like you said, I think time is more what I need than anything. One big problem I have here is that I don't have any friends. I hate to whine about it, but it's true.
Have you thought of maybe using a dating app or a website like Meetup? It doesn't have to be for dating or hookups but can also be just to make friends. Sometimes what can be really helpful in figuring out your sexuality is just being around people who have gone through the same exploration, even if their story is entirely different from yours. for example, i learned a lot about myself by being friends with a trans man, even though our identities and processes are entirely different. just the shared experience of being different from the norm is already very helpful in self-discovery. more so, being in a space surrounded by lgbt people makes it a lot more safe to explore your options and open up about them to yourself because there is less pressure to repress the feelings of attraction you experience. there's absolutely no rush to figure out your sexuality, but finding an environment where you feel like you can comfortable do so can be incredibly helpful/relieving
oh i definitely did not mean you had to become part of a group per se! what i meant was, since you said you don't have any friends and thought that was a problem, dating apps can actually get you in touch with people in your area who have gone through similar stuff, and if you're clear about seeking friends it doesn't have to be awkward at all. it could help you deal with your problem of now having friends and help you figure stuff out at the same time but no pressure of course, we all create our own paths and maybe this isn't one you want to take, that's all up to you!
