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Lesbians who used to have "straight" fantasies

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Mifora, Jun 4, 2018.

  1. Mifora

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    Someone said on another thread that it is common for lesbians to have fantasies about straight sex involving "rapey" scenarios and power imbalance before coming out to themselves. Has anyone experienced that? Is it really a thing - and why?

    Reading it struck a chord with me because I have always had fantasies about sex with men, and most of those fantasies (but not all of them) have involved some kind of power imbalance or a scenario where I am being coerced in some way (I hate admitting it, but it's true). I don't know what it means or where those fantasies come from. I have realized that I am attracted to women, and I used to think that those fantasies meant I was attracted to men too, but now I just don't know. But for some reason, when I try to fantasize about women I just... can't even though I have feelings for them and notice them more than men.
     
  2. Leah061

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    Yes this is really common apparently! I experienced it, and when I found out that I'm not the only one who's felt this way, I started feeling more secure in calling myself a lesbian (still not 100% sure though tbh). It sort of makes sense, because if you are not attracted to men, and society has told you from day one that you're heterosexual and that having sex with a man is the only way to go, you can feel sort of lost when you start fantasizing about men. So your mind creates a fantasy where you don't have a choice, or where there's some massive power imbalance, because it's the only way you can fantasize about a man, because the thought of a man alone is not enough to arouse you. This is a common symptom of compulsory heterosexuality. Now that I know why I've fantasized about men this way, and that I am actually attracted to women, I also don't know how to fantasize about women. I feel like maybe it's because we're so used to fantasizing about extreme situations that it feels hard to imagine simply being with a woman?
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    I have no idea whether or not it's a thing, but I've experienced this. The thread you're referring to was the first I'd heard about it too.

    I suppose it removes the choice element. I've never wanted to initiate sex with a man, so it'd be hard to fantasise about it. Also, there's no need in that scenario for you to be attracted to a particular man. For me, the men in my fantasies were almost always as clothed as possible, so it wasn't about the male body. Additionally, it removes the relationship context, or it did for me, so there's no kissing or affection. Even whilst I had straight fantasies, none of them were in the context of a relationship.

    In retrospect, I can see it took me about ten years to feel comfortable fantasising about women. To put that in context, I only started to question my sexuality in the last one or two of those ten years. I imagine that it's different for everyone, but it's the only part of this process that has really felt like a wall coming down. One day I was just completely OK with it and then couldn't think about much else for months. For me, I think it was just time, acknowledging it and become comfortable with it. I wish I could be more specific.
     
    #3 LostInDaydreams, Jun 4, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2018
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  4. normalwolverine

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    Personally, I saw that comment and thought it was weird. I have never had those fantasies--at least not involving me--and I don't feel like fantasizing about rape in general or watching that porn and that type of thing is related to being a lesbian. I like the idea of taboo sex when I fantasize and always have, so I fantasize about a lot of different taboo scenarios but don't really put myself in them a lot of the time. It's really more like I direct other people doing porn in my head, including male/female rape scenes.

    If it has anything to do with being a lesbian--and this is just off the top of my head, haven't really thought about or theorized this--it might be that taboo connection, i.e. being a lesbian is taboo, as well, and you're just substituting one taboo for another one to keep from having lesbian fantasies. I don't know.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Just because it doesn't match your experience, that doesn't mean that it doesn't match anyone else's experience (or that it's weird).

    I don't think anyone is saying that there's a definite link, just that it might be the case for some people. I agree that people of all sexual orientations probably have fantasies about taboo sex, so in that sense, there's nothing specifically "lesbian" about it.

    For me, I would say it was more about the elements of heterosexual sex that those fantasies allowed me to avoid. Sex with a man in the context of a relationship, for example, wasn't appealing, so it more about avoiding that than consciously being more comfortable with one taboo over another. I wasn't consciously preventing myself from having lesbian fantasies. It wasn't just a simple substitution.

    I'm not sure that makes sense. :slight_smile: For some people, what you describe might be correct.
     
  6. Lia444

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    I saw that comment too and I’ve never had fantasies like that. I’ve had a handful of dream involving guys and all it was, was me on top. Nothing special, no build up or passion or relationship, just me being in charge. Women on the other hand, completely different. I think the guy dreams were sort of forced as to what I should be wanting and feeling but now I think about what I actually want.
     
  7. Mifora

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    All of this is really complicated. I have read that a lot of straight women have the same kind of fantasies, so maybe it says nothing about your orientation. It might not be healthy to over analyze every aspect of your sexuality, but I always wondered about those fantasies. But I feel like sometimes I need a story to be turned on and sometimes I just picture male or female bodies. In real life I am more attracted to women but I have had a few good relationships with men too, and probably feel like a lesbian-leaning bisexual - or something. I just wish everything was more clear cut. But maybe it's normal to have a fantasy life that does not totally match your real life orientation
     
    #7 Mifora, Jun 5, 2018
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  8. CL1990

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    its amazing how many of the stuff the OP mentions ticks for me and i never even realized it...thank you so much for the perspective!!
     
  9. RebeccaK

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    Me neither, never had those. I had a dream once though (this is weird) where an actor from a tv show whipped me bdsm style on the legs but I then escaped from him (not that I was scared I just felt indifferent) And then a woman in her late 20s appeared and took me under her wing. Felt much safer there. Interestingly enough I'm sort of the opposite. When thought I was straight and used to fantasize about men I was always the submissive one. I was passive. I even imagined myself tied to the bed. Now that I fantasize about women and actually enjoy it I'm dominant and take initiative. I found that pretty interesting. Same thing happens in dreams as well. I don't have any real life experience but I wonder because of this if I might be more of the dominant one in terms of sex/relationships despite being introverted and shy.
     
    #9 RebeccaK, Jun 5, 2018
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  10. Peterpangirl

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    My consistent fantasy before I came out never had me in it. Instead I would imagine I was a really matcho man taking a petite woman. After several months of dating my girlfriend I began to fantasise about doing stuff to her and with her as me and finally I can be turned on in my fantasies as me! It is quite a break through.
     
  11. Lia444

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    I’m quite dominant in my dreams and more shy in real life. I think with confidence I could be dominant in real life as I would like to switch rather than just be dom or sub all the time.
     
  12. RebeccaK

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    Me too, I definitely would want to be be a switch in some sense