Fuckinnnn intro I was assigned female at birth obviously, and I’m just really not sure if I’m binary trans or not. I identified as butch lesbian for a while, because I was solely attracted to girls and thought these below things just made you butch. But like ,,,,as a kid, I was brought up as a girl and never really thought about gender. But now I’m in high school and I really think I’m not a girl. I’m at least demigirl or agender. I often see feminine guys like David Bowie as the ideal of what I want to be, I love being gender non conforming (of the binary). while I could just be a masculine girl I’d really rather be seen as a feminine-ish guy. Signs just in general of me being trans: cutting my hair short and feeling euphoric after and “looking in the mirror I felt like I finally saw myself” hating dresses and literally not knowing how to style them, so when I put one on with a combination of other clothes my mom taking one look at me and going “we need to fix this, that looks so bad” not feeling ‘trans enough’ or ‘queer enough’ so denying that I could ever be trans ftm because everyone has boyish moments right? feeling really, really uncomfortable around girls when they would do stereotypically ‘girly’ things like giggle or talk about boys or hug each other a lot (I’m also rly touch averse but that’s a different story I guess). I wasn’t sure I was into girls until like junior year of HS, and identified as a butch lesbian for a while before somewhat coming out as trans and straight to a few people praising god (i used to be religious lol) for giving me like AA boobs and no curves/skinniness in general so “it’s easier” hating the feeling of dresses. Feeling like I wasn’t myself with long hair, even a lob I would pull my hair out ALL THE time. Although maybe that’s just my trich and anxiety talking lol looking at pictures of feminine male artists like David Bowie and being soooo jealous of how well they pulled it off Literally looking at pictures of blackbear and going, “damn I would love to get top surgery to look like that” When I started developing into a chest I was “excited” when I was like 12 but now when I look in the mirror I just see two lumps that really shouldn’t be there lol From other reddit users who I can’t find now: “As I got older I was constantly trying to date guys but I was always so uncomfortable when they touched me but something always attracted me to them.” WARNING NSFW always pictured myself as a guy in sexual situations?? Not great with friendships with girls (because I felt like I was a ‘guy’ talking to them and felt weird about it....) Feeling weird about changing in the girl’s room More sexuality oriented- Having a really special friendship with a girl when I was younger Am I just a butch lesbian and is this a reach. I’M JUST CONFUSED “I wish I was a trans guy damn” “he/him would be so good for me” Signs of me not being trans: was raised as a girl, referred to as a girl and was ok with it until like age 13? That being said, I literally had no idea what gender identity was and thought sex was the same as it when I was happy I would be more girly, when I was sad I just dressed like shit - not necessarily more masculine. But I mostly wore t shirts and jeans and not anything rly feminine. Anything else felt wrong. played with barbies, Polly pockets and bratz dolls ALL THE TIME - but I would make them kiss each other or be the boy ken (???) -eli
How is that a sign of not being trans? Also, you might not know how to dress well/good looking and masculine at the same time. Barbies... well, that is girly, but what is the rest of the story? I guess everyone has feminine and masculine traits, the question is how many, what is your balance. Butch or trans, the eternal question. One way or another, you seem to feel masculine too. Your list of cons is short compared to pros too. By the way, I like the expression “the feeling of dresses”.
I relate to a lot of the list you put up there. I have always looked up to David Bowie and the whole notion of androgynous or feminine men. It's both what I aspire to, in an expressive sense, and often find really attractive in other men. When you said you "wish you were a transguy," picture yourself as male in sexual situations, and seem to have dysphoria around your chest, those seem to be the biggest indicators that you may be trans. None of us can say whether you are in fact trans or not, we can only offer our perspectives and ask you questions to think about it. Personally I always struggled with how gender expression can be different from gender identity. When I was first accepting myself and coming out as trans, I thought I needed to be masculine in order to be a man. So I listened to rap and rock music, wore baseball caps, learned to skateboard, and lifted weights. I refused to shave body hair, refused to wear anything "girly," never wore makeup, and so on. But the more I grew in my identity as a man and became comfortable with that, the more I realized that masculinity has nothing to do with being a man. You mentioned Bowie twice, so let's use him as an example. He was most definitely a man. Women were crazy about him, and so were gay men. He broke gender barriers and threw rules about sexuality out the window. Yet no one doubted that he was a man. Sure people badgered him endlessly about the fact he was bisexual, and why he dressed the way he did, and in response to this he just said, "You know, I'm just different from other men." And that is okay. So why do we have different standards for cisgender men like David Bowie, than we do for transgender men? If a trans man wears makeup, shaves his body hair, and puts on jewelry - his status as a man is questioned. If a cis man does this, at most his sexuality is questioned. When in fact what you wear has very little to do with either of those. What more people are drawn to, in fact, is your confidence. And in the end, honestly, fuck what people think. You have the right to express yourself however you want to. At worst people will call you out about your gender and sexuality - but if you respond with confidence and self-acceptance, really what will it hurt? If someone calls me gay, I'm like... yeah so what? That's the best 'insult' you can come up with? I've come a long way from the 15 year old hyper-masculine version of myself. Instead of shunning those feminine aspects of myself, I am learning to accept and embrace those. I remember when I was younger, even as young as 13, I looked up to feminine men and secretly wished to be like that. I was known by family and friends as the tomboy, or the boyish girl, but in reality I felt so much more like a feminine boy. You can be a masculine woman. You can be a feminine man. Neither is "wrong" and being trans really has a whole lot more to do with whether you are happy with your body and how people perceive you. Feminine qualities aside... If you would be happier referred to as a "he" and have a flat chest, well, you just might be a transguy.
Me being ftm myself and having to deal with most of these issues I'm guessing you probably are trans but not necessarily a guy. You could be bigender or genderfluid. The "two lumps that shouldn't be there..." part really got to me as well cause I feel exactly the same. I loved wearing dresses as a kid but now I just feel uncomfortable in the or really any "feminine" clothes. So at the end of the day it's really up to you to figure it out but we'll support you whatever you choose
I know this is supposed to be about the OP but i just HAD to quote this and reply. This is just...me. It describes my predicament completely. Periodically for years i would think about how i feel more like a feminine guy (like the stereotype for gay guys) than i did a girl. I always looked up to the more feminine guys, like band members. In my teen years i interpretted this as finally getting into boys, but in reality there was never any sexual or romantic interest there - i looked up to them because i wanted to look like them. It just took me years to acknowledge much less accept that fact.
hey guys, sorry for the late reply but thanks for all of your input. Kodo, you really helped me out there. I feel like I knew identity was different from expression for a while, but the lighbulb never really turned on until I heard it come from a forum community. Sometimes I don't know if I've just been brainwashed into thinking "everyone is trans" due to the fact that I grew up in an extremely liberal environment. I know this isn't really a possibility, but I worry sometimes that I'm just a "special snowflake trying too hard". Destroying the notion that trans guys have to be super masc is important. One guy who I really look up to is Olly Alexander - if you look him up you'll know he definitely doesn't conform to masculinity standards.
completely relate to this. I just don't know if my thing is more of a butch lesbian thing or a trans guy thing... when I got to be around 16, I started being oddly pulled to androgynous guys - but I never actually wanted to do anything sexual or romantic with them. I want to say that nothing matters with expression, but at a certain point I feel I do recognize some things are inherently associated with men and some are associated with women. If I woke up tomorrow and was a guy, I wouldn't be mad or freaked out about it, is my point. But I also don't know if I would be ecstatic about down there and everything else.
I left all the bullets that are exactly my experiences too, and I'm just gonna kinda go through some of them (in order). I remember when I first got my hair cut I couldn't stop looking at myself in the mirror, haha. I totally relate to the "everyone has boyish moments right?" thing, but I don't think it's very hard to be 'trans enough', I feel like to not be trans enough you'd have to have no dysphoria/never identified as a guy lol. Dresses suck. Blackbear is the epitome of all my hopes and dreams, damn if I looked like him I'd be in heaven. I was excited about developing a chest too, at first, or I thought I was - there's a possibility I was just scared though. Now I just am really uncomfortable with it and feel like weird when I look in the mirror because it looks just awkward and weird? Definitely relate to the sexual one, and if it weren't for having close friends in the locker room with me, I'd change in a stall. Also, I didn't even question my gender as far as I can remember until 13, and I have lived only in t shirts and jeans for a while - I went to an all girls school for one year and had to wear a kilt every day - good god that sucked. also, barbies, polly, pockets, and brats were the best things ever lmfao - they let you use your imagination and play around with being who you want. I feel like after typing all your reasons out, it might be easier for you to look at it and realize how you feel. Everyone has doubts, including me for sure, and some people even have times with a big lack of dysphoria. You sound pretty trans to me - just try not to invalidate yourself and let life happen, you know? Sorry this was so long, but I hope seeing how similar your experience is to another young trans guy helps!
