I identify as a lesbian (aged 23) and I’ve dated girls for several years now. Last week, my most recent girlfriend and I actually broke up after one year (it was really tough but I had to end it). I loved and adored her, but in the end it wasn’t right for several reasons. She was my first ‘serious’ partner. When I was 20, I originally came out to my friends/family as bisexual. A few months after that, I realised my feelings for women were much stronger than for men, so I sort of ‘came out’ again, saying that I knew I was only into girls. Right now, I’m wishing I could take it all back. Why did I speak so soon? I’ve never actually fallen in love with a man, and my feelings for women (emotionally and sexually) have always been much stronger. Yet, to be honest, I’ve had crushes on guys many times before. Yes, I have felt physical attraction to men before. Lately, I’ve noticed myself experiencing romantic feelings for certain men in my life. It’s like I am craving the physical affection of a man, but the emotional intimacy of a woman. I’m scared. I’m terrified I might fall in love with a man one day. If that happened, how would I tell my friends/family (who believe I’m a lesbian)!? The thought of dating a man feels unfamiliar and makes me so anxious. Maybe I’m just confused and lost because my girlfriend and I recently broke up. I just feel like part of me doesn’t belong in the ‘lesbian community’. I don’t know who I am. Maybe I should forget about labels and just go with the flow. When I think of myself having a long-term life partner, I don’t know if I see that person being a man or woman. Has anyone experienced something similar to this? I’m hating myself right now.
When you talk about physical attraction and crushes, are you talking about more than just how good-looking they are (particularly an attractive face, or are you into the body, as well)? To me, romantic feelings and physical affection aren't the same thing...it seems like you're saying you want sex with a man and an emotional connection with a woman. I'm trying to get at whether or not you really do develop emotions/feelings for men, or is it just sexual, OR is it just "Oh, he's a good-looking guy." My whole thing growing up was not understanding that just because I can tell when a guy is really attractive, that doesn't mean I'm into them or want to get physical with them. I wasn't, and I didn't. One of the things I struggle to understand about bisexuals is...some people refer to themselves as "bisexual" and "heteromantic," for example, so is it possible that most of them or the majority of them are really like this and maybe just don't realize it since most of them end up in hetero marriages. You sound like it's possible you're the reverse, i.e. bisexual and homoromantic, but I'm not sure I'm reading you correctly. But that's why I have included the question about how you're attracted to men.
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your thoughtful response. In reply to your question, when I think of the crushes that I’ve had on certain men - yes, if I am honest with myself, I actually did feel somewhat attracted to their body as well. When I have experienced romantic feelings for men, I have in fact noticed their body and their figure, and have imagined us being physically intimate (but not necessarily having sex). I don’t know if this clarifies anything.
I appreciate your showing appreciation for my response--thank you. So, do you experience the same kind of emotional/romantic feelings for men as for women? Or do you just not have the experiences to know?
Um, yeah... I think I might. I’ve just never explored that fully. I have dated guys in the past and was intimate with a few of them, but it never felt right and I didn’t feel sexually attracted towards the ones I was dating. I have never been in a serious relationship with a guy. The men I’ve felt strongly attracted to (emotionally/sexually) have always been quite a bit older than me, stable in their lives, and very mature/gentleman-like.
There are many shades and layers of attraction. And not all of these necessarily overlap. For example, I am primarily physically or aesthetically attracted to men. I like the way men look and am attracted specifically to aspects of the male body. There are a broader range of men who look attractive to me from a physical standpoint. However, when it comes to sexual attraction, as in the act of having sex with them, I'm totally fine with having sex with either sex. In fact at the moment I am leaning more towards women on the sexual side. The same with romantic. I am equally attracted emotionally to both sexes, but again, I lean towards women in this regard and will admit that though I am open to falling romantically for a man, connecting on an emotional level is MUCH easier for me with another woman. So my attractions are all over the place lol. I am attracted to a smaller range of types of women but honestly at this point in my life I am craving them much more. So what you describe is totally normal. You can be more drawn to women emotionally and both sexually and or physically. As long as you're happy it's all good.
Sounds like you do know you are bisexual but just have been dating the wrong kinds of men. I know you feel anxiety about it because you went back and told everyone you're a lesbian, but it does sound like you need to go out with a man who is more like what you're attracted to in all ways and see what happens. If you end up falling for a man, you can figure out a way to tell friends and family that you were still figuring it out in the past but now with more experience you know that you're bisexual.
I am a bisexual man....but I have to say that (after acknowledging my interest) it is easier to masturbate thinking about a guy than a girl now. Does that make me gay? Not sure. I still have sexual feelings for women, attraction for women and have sex with a woman (my wife). Can you climax thinking of being with a man sexually? I imagine that would be a good indicator. But perhaps it’s different for women.
I don't think that makes you gay, nope. You just might have a preference for men or get off easier because another guy knows how to make things enjoyable for you because he has the same anatomy? You sound bi to me. As for the thinking about a certain sex and being aroused by it in fantasy I think that varies more by personality than by gender. For me it's not different at all.
The revelation of a likely preference 16 years into a relationship, post kids is a struggle. For my wife certainly but definitely for me.
