Sexuality and anxiety - hating on yourself for your actions

I hear that.

I'm confused, though. You have anxiety surrounding your sexual orientation in what way, i.e. coming out, figuring out exactly what it is, or what? Or you just dislike not being straight?

I'm sure you also feel alone and isolated from people who would understand you, and that's what this site is for.

Do you think that you hate yourself and have all this anxiety in part because you feel like your parents wouldn't accept you or would be disappointed if you came out to them?

Do you think there is something wrong with being bi, gay or any other form of "not straight"?

Just trying to get a better sense of why you feel the way you do, and then I think we can give more accurate advice and support. I don't hate myself and don't see anything wrong with being the way I am, and I would like for you to reach a point where you feel the same way about yourself.

 

I think it helps. This sounds pretty serious.

Have you thought about trying to find an LGBT therapist in your area, or one whose background shows a lot of experience or specialty working with LGBT people and LGBT issues? I'm thinking getting a therapist you feel more comfortable with and confident in would help you more than anything anyone here could say.

 

Personally my faith helped me come to a place of acceptance because it was bad theology that kept me from accepting myself, but that might not be applical to you.

I would guess you need to understand the root cause of the hate/unacceptance. It sounds like your parents blame you for things that are out of your control. That can lead to a lot of shame, self blame, and by extention hate. That's just a thought though. I think working out things is hard without better knowledge of psychology.

Therapist authors such as Brene Brown and Kristen Neff might be helpful, as they tackle issues of shame, blame, judgement, empathy, compassion, etc. I don't think they address lgbt+ but they address what helps us to love and accept ourselves.

I personally think a good therapist doesn't need to be gay to help us accept ourselves. Acceptance and self hate is something straight and gay alike struggle with. However, training in lgbt issues is a thing and you can look for lgbt therapist if you want. It is okay to ask if a therapist is lgb for the sake of your comfort. Same with religion, ethnicity, gender, etc It's also a trial an error process with counselors/therapists. I didn't like the first 3 people I saw, 4th therapist has been a radically different experience.

 

I hear ya, I rarely feel I catch a break.

Have you looked outside the area? I'm not sure if their are other towns near by or not. I looked at places 2 hours away, but ended up with a local person.

I know you said you like small towns and want to help them grow. I also want you to know you have value too and investing in yourself to grow is well worth it. If you invest in yourself, you'll have more you can give back to those things and people you love.

 

Yeah, you have so many things that have gone on in your life that make a huge difference. It would be hard to deal with all of it for anyone, which is why it would be great if you had a professional who could help you. I was bullied growing up, too, and it has affected me a lot. I don't think people understand how much bullying stays with people.

I think I understand why you do it, but the pushing people away and cutting off contact with them is also really huge and might be one of the first things you need to work on changing. If you don't like the one therapist in your area and don't have a good relationship with your parents, you still need someone and some support. And a good support system is free.

Do you ever talk to your brother about these things? What is your relationship with him?

If you live in your car, how often do you have access to the internet? You can always come on here whenever you can get online and make posts about one separate issue that is bothering you at a time, and users will read, respond and try to help as much as possible. I am very sorry to know you still live in your car.

 

I totally understand not having money to even drive places. If you're doing phone calls for counseling, then you might have access to do calls with other counselors outside the area regardless of distance.

All your experiences matter because they can all reinforce the messages we got as kids. We don't have to believe those messages. We can shift through the lies and choose not to accept them. At the very least, for me, I now ask myself "is this helpful?". If it's not, I change how I'm talking to myself, I choose to talk about a belief I want, I distracted myself, cope, whatever it takes to get myself on a path to becoming healthier.

You are definitely worthy and deserving of help. Just as much as those you help. We're all alive and feel and deserve a chance to be happy and loved. No one earns that right. We're all in this together. We all fall short. It's not easy, but we're not alone. Those you help, you help out of compassion right? It's not earned, it's a gift. You can have compassion for yourself too.

I dont have it all figured out but I know where you're coming from.

Brene Brown and Kristen Neff both have ted talks and videos on you tube if you can afford books.