The only times I'd actually try hard would be gaming, or doing assignments at the VERY last minute. I have some desire to be a writer or cartoonist or a biologist. But it always ends there. I take one peek at what it's actually like, I give up. Then few weeks later, I find myself playing with the idea of being one of the three careers. I have so many excuses for not diving deep enough to actually know what it's like. "I have too many assignments"(partly true), "I don't care for it", etc. Why become a writer? Because I like having my thoughts written out to a visible form. The way well written texts flow is great. Why not become a writer? I don't like reading unless the book is really interesting, and I don't like dealing with grammar. Why do I want to become a cartoonist? I just love them. The characters and the plot is fascinating. However the process to become a pro, and the competition in that field...is grueling. This goes the same for writing careers. Finally, I want to get into zoology because they are really cool, and I like the idea of protecting them. Especially for birds. Birds are my childhood and I would love to be near them for a job. The problem is, I forgot most of high school biology, chemistry, and math. I'm missing lots of information here and there, that I'd probably have to start from a very beginning. (maybe not for math) TBH I'm not truly good at any one of these things. In the past, I was told that I'm good at writing, art, and maths, but now I feel like I'm faking all these. My motivation started dying slowly since Gr 11. I somehow made it through high school, and I got into Interior Architecture for college. I don't hate the major, but I have no legit reason for picking it. I picked it because it required artistic senses, only to realize that it's a very different kind from the Arts. Honestly, I could drop out if I had actual plans for the future... I've become a very passive person. Just a college student who uses internet too often, and thinks too much until it gives me TMJ pain shortly. I've heard advises like "start volunteering if you want to live a meaningful life" and "just do it". But in the end, I do nothing because excuses. I just in my bed like all weekend, and do my assignments typically last minute. (I don't know my grades for them yet, the professor posts them on the school website until the end of semester) How did I get into this mess?
It sounds like something has changed in your life, starting from back in 11th grade (like you mention in your post). This could be due to a lot of things - maybe the onset of some sort of depression or anxiety, maybe some sort of event that happened in your life at that time. Can you think of any specific reason that things became more difficult from that point on? Or has it just been a sort of gradual change? You mention that you're in college. I don't know if colleges where you are having counseling support staff, but if they do, I would give it a try. It sounds like, whatever the cause, this change in your life is making you pretty unhappy, and you'd like it to be different.
My family went bankrupt, and I had to transfer to a academically competitive school. Really competitive that I didn't do well in most classes. I wish I had just dropped out from there.
