The problem with labels

I'd be more inclined to ask yourself if you have an ongoing attraction to men? For example, do you still notice good looking guys when you are in shops and find yourself checking them out? If you do, I think you're probably right to go with bisexual.

 

I label myself as bisexual because, even though I am predominantly attracted to females, I do enjoy having sex with males and am occasionally attracted to one. Not to men in general, mind you, and certainly not to "masculinity" which I actually find off-putting in both males and females, but to a certain kind of man.

Anyway, I feel like it would not be honest to label myself as lesbian, although it would be easier by far. The prejudices and misconceptions regarding bisexuals are real, and brutal. I've also never considered changing how I identify depending on whether I'm dating a man or a woman, I still identify as bisexual regardless. It does make a lot of potential partners uneasy, but then again if someone is that insecure they are not someone that I would want to be dating anyway.

It's a highly individual thing, this labeling business, and there are no "one size fits all" answers. Your preferred label might very well change throughout your lifetime. I would just go with what feels "right" and honest for you at this point in time.

 

I think I prefer fluid. I've definitely had real attractions to men, but right now I'm hung up on a particular woman and have no interest in men whatsoever. I'm going with lesbian at the moment, but I can see myself falling for a man again some time. (I wish it could be my husband. That would sure make my life easier! ha ha)

 

I think you should be able to call yourself whatever you want. If you were attracted to men you aren't 100% gay to me. Bi is a perfectly valid label. Even if you date women from here on out that doesn't invalidate you previous relationship with your husband.

 

This. All of this is relatable. And yes, that anyone who is not okay with you being who you are and your attractions is not the one for you. Their insecurity should not make you feel bad.

 

I really like fluid as a label too. For me that is how my attraction is best described. I actually like it better than bisexual even though that's fine too. I feel like more people know what that means so I use that word. But fluid, queer, not straight, I really actually like those labels better because philosophically they align with how I see myself and view attraction.

 

I have been giving this label thing some thought...
Identifying as a lesbian conveys my sexuality not my relationship status nor tell you of the life I lead.

To me labels are an approximation. A way to quickly convey a concept with a word. Labels do not define a person they simply give you an idea of their identity, how they think, or what they believe. It’s like seeing like the tip an iceberg.

 

It's even worse than that. All words are concepts and all concepts are abstractions. They are symbols that signify...something that cannot be directly experienced by merely thinking about it. All concepts are constructs based on prior experience or more often, hearsay. When I ask "what is that?" what I am really asking is "what is that like?", because that is the only way I can understand what that is...this is the reason primitive peoples, when presented with a photograph of a person are unable to see what we see, they have had no prior experience with images.

Knowing what something is must therefore be based on its similarity to something you already "know"...and thus we build these concept-castles in the air, without foundations..and still we really don't have a clue as to the reality of the things we are talking about. The reality of things is a far deeper, more immediate, and more "fluid" thing than words could ever convey...this is why we have art and music.

 

This is beautifully put.

 

I find myself closer to straight than gay; but I definitely have attractions to men, so I call myself bisexual I guess that’s as good a label than as any. In a different life, maybe I’d express it more, but that’s not to be

 

For me the only label that works is gay. At first after coming out I tried to hide the label because after a lifetime of pretending to be straight I was embarrassed to admit the truth. Now I embrace the label of gay man. I want the world to know I am gay and proud of it. I waited a long time to say out loud I am a gay man.

 

I can relate to this completely. I look at females and enjoy their beauty, but not generally towards men. I like sex with both sexes, and romances with both sexes. But given an average guy vs average girl in a sex situation, then I prefer guys as I can be passive and the receptive partner. In life I almost always notice women rather than men. But I fantasize about being intimate with guys rather than girls. So my attractions are all over the place, but would be fine with being referred to as gay if I was in a relationship with a guy and mixed with gay friends. However, overall I classify myself as bisexual, even though I'm more bi-gay than equally bi.

 

I agree and also with PeterPanGirl, that monosexuals, on either side of the fence whether gay or straight, love to simplify polysexuals' identities. I am not sure why but they seem to struggle with the idea that one can be attracted to both sexes simultaneously and in a variety of levels and ways. And so then they say things like, "so you're gay now?" if you have a same sex partner, or "so you're straight now?" if you have an opposite sex partner. When the point is you aren't either of these things, hence the reason you are dating both sexes. I think people label things by how they perceive them. If they see two people of the same sex together, or of opposite sexes together then everyone assumes they're gay/straight. And until bisexuality is normalized I think we will continue to see this.

 

At this time, sexual orientation is defined by what attractions are consistent over time. So those who identify as lesbian, could experience some opposite sex attraction or enjoyed a heterosexual experience but since it's not consistent enough over time they may choose a lesbian label. This is practical for relationships since they can't likely (or haven't been able to) maintain a sexually fulfilling relationship longterm with a man. The odd thing is the label itself isn't actually that black and white because of this. Labels are very broad strokes. I think culturally speaking though, there's a lot of reason to firmly stand by a label least someone suggests their sexuality is a phase, choice, or changeable. I truly believe people are on a spectrum and some of us are simply closer to the gay end of the spectrum, but not enough to say we're exclusively gay. Our experience isn't the same as someone who identifies as a lesbian. Maybe we're right on the fence, barely on it, 5 feet back, 3 feet back and to the left. What that looks like will be different for each person. Each person picks a label to what best fits them.

 

Below is the title of a Ted Talk that was instrumental in helping me understand the spectrum concept of sexuality.

Fifty shades of gay (iO Tillett Wright | TEDxWomen 2012