He has taken an oath to mess things up.

imperfect111 · May 27, 2018

The title is exactly how i feel at the moment. Why would any one in his sane mind want to ruin a perfect relationship for no reason.

I will make it short. Would love to hear your advises
Me: Broken and damaged from my past. (Long story) Unavoidably busy 24/7, Surgical resident (So still have not reached my destination), coming from a family of issues, siblings never meet, parents are elderly who i take care of. Multiple multiple responsibilities on my head, someone stubborn, organizer of every single minute that passes by.

Him: AMAZING, giver, huge heart, Hot and sexy (Cant even begin to tell you), has a 9 to 5 job which pays well and so is free the rest of the day, lives alone, not a very social, party guy, keeper, homely, domestic, butch, has ample free time. All the above but also lazy, less higher goals in life, very possessive.

Relationship Dynamics: I am the needy one and he is the giver. But surprisingly, we both take care of each other so well it amazes me. It has been 1 year now and we had so many milestones that when I look back, i feel amazed at what a perfect match this is. It is truly a lock and key relationship. I would not think or look at any other guy. For me, it is a fairytale come true. He is 100% the guy I always wanted.

Issue: His possessiveness is eventually going to break us up. I have a VERY important set of exams coming in 1 month and he is not being understanding that I need time far away in a library. I am an anxious personality and some where in my heart I knew that it will be difficult for him to understand so I started my preparation 6 months ahead to be able to be calm when exam time is around.
3 months before, he checked my phone while i was sleeping. And he found VERY old messages 4 or 5 years ago that I had chatted with people I was about to meet but I never did. Now that i remember I would chat with people for dating but would turn the offer to meet down because never felt like it or work always had me busy.
Next day mornign there was a huge fight and drama that I am still meeting them. Took me 1 week to calm him down and to explain to him rationally that these are old.
1 month forward, he checks my mobile again, this time SMSs which i hadnt deleted.
Yes! I own my mistake, I did chat with 2 people that I had chatted very long time ago and it was 5 lines of hey how are you? how did you eventually move up in life sort of messages. He flipped again and drama for a 1 month.
Now, he is texting and irrationally concluding things and saying I have someone in my life. I am always online on whatsapp when I tell him that I need to study, I am probably talking to someone and that he needs to break up with me because of this !!
Where on earth did his maturity go!

I am someone who handles a lot, family, extended family, issues, being a medic means the aunt of aunts cat would need a diagnosis so lets call 'me' for help.

I personally feel, he has nothing else to do, he finishes work and he is free. He focuses all his attention on me. 24/7 I am on his mind. i have done enough, bought him gadgets and planned his career and life and done what ever i could.

I dont know what to do any more.

normalwolverine · May 27, 2018

imperfect111 said: ↑

The title is exactly how i feel at the moment. Why would any one in his sane mind want to ruin a perfect relationship for no reason.

I will make it short. Would love to hear your advises
Me: Broken and damaged from my past. (Long story) Unavoidably busy 24/7, Surgical resident (So still have not reached my destination), coming from a family of issues, siblings never meet, parents are elderly who i take care of. Multiple multiple responsibilities on my head, someone stubborn, organizer of every single minute that passes by.

Him: AMAZING, giver, huge heart, Hot and sexy (Cant even begin to tell you), has a 9 to 5 job which pays well and so is free the rest of the day, lives alone, not a very social, party guy, keeper, homely, domestic, butch, has ample free time. All the above but also lazy, less higher goals in life, very possessive.
Click to expand...

imperfect111 said: ↑

Issue: His possessiveness is eventually going to break us up. I have a VERY important set of exams coming in 1 month and he is not being understanding that I need time far away in a library.
Click to expand...

Been through this almost exactly, and I was the one in your boyfriend's shoes. Instead of medicine, it was law. I'm fairly similar to how you describe him above.

In all honesty, imperfect111, you sound like you don't have time for a relationship and don't need to be in one. If I were still dating, I would avoid someone like you, knowing what I know now about both people like you and people like me. I'm not saying anything is wrong with you at all...but I think people like you, if you do try to fit dating into your busy life, work better with another person who has a lot on their plate, who is very ambitious, who does not want to babysit another human being and pour all of their attention into that person, etc. You need another person who views a relationship and his boyfriend as just one more part of his life and not essentially his entire life. He may be 95% awesome for you, but you do have this key difference. And someone might respond to you and say "talk to him," but, from my experience, this is just a personality difference that you can't really talk someone out of or compromise on.

imperfect111 said: ↑

I personally feel, he has nothing else to do, he finishes work and he is free. He focuses all his attention on me. 24/7 I am on his mind. i have done enough, bought him gadgets and planned his career and life and done what ever i could.
Click to expand...

It's not that he has nothing else to do. It's like what I was saying above. When I'm into someone, I want most of their time and attention (okay, if I'm being 100% honest, I want all of their time and attention. Like, I want them obsessed with me). If you're the type of person who doesn't understand that or doesn't like that or doesn't have time to give that, don't date me. That's what I think is going on here. He requires more attention than you want and/or are able to give. And I understand about the exam, I really do. But I can't be in a relationship with someone and barely talk to/see them for a month or 6 weeks. I definitely apologized to my ex for interfering with her bar exam studies, but that's just how I am. Like I said, I'm not saying you're right or wrong...just that there is a big difference here between what he wants from you and what you want to or can give.

imperfect111 said: ↑

1 month forward, he checks my mobile again, this time SMSs which i hadnt deleted.
Yes! I own my mistake, I did chat with 2 people that I had chatted very long time ago and it was 5 lines of hey how are you? how did you eventually move up in life sort of messages. He flipped again and drama for a 1 month.
Now, he is texting and irrationally concluding things and saying I have someone in my life. I am always online on whatsapp when I tell him that I need to study, I am probably talking to someone and that he needs to break up with me because of this !!
Where on earth did his maturity go!
Click to expand...

I'm not going to go through anyone's phone like that and overreact. But I do know he thinks you're cheating because he does not understand all this time away that you need from him and how you can prioritize that over being with him. He's thinking about what he needs and not what you need. Like I said, I've done that same thing, minus the "you're talking to others, let's break up" thing. It's selfish and self-centered, for sure, but it's the result of viewing relationships differently and wanting different things out of a relationship and not so much maturity. There's a possibility that once you're busy working as a doctor, that difference and these battles will only get worse if you stay in this relationship.

Chip · May 27, 2018

I see two things here:

First, I agree with normalwolverine that right now, you may simply be too busy to be able to support a relationship right now. And from what you describe, it sounds like your tendency toward workaholism (admittedly basically a necessity of where you are in school) as well as the desire to organize and structure every minute could both be means of seeking to take control of your own life and situation, and also to, in a way, numb and keep you from feeling.

Second, your boyfriend has some really serious issues. It's not OK for someone to check someone else's phone without permission. That's a major boundary violation. It's not really even OK to ask to do so. And the fact that he flew into a rage over you having a conversation with someone indicates that he's got some very serious self-esteem issues; typically, people like that are afraid of losing the person because they, themselves, don't feel like they're worthy of love.

So if I were to offer advice, I'd say that being in this relationship does not sound remotely healthy for either of you. He has a whole lot of work to do and it doesn't sound like he's aware of or particularly interested in doing that right now. And you also have a lot of unhealed stuff, by your own admission.

So I would suggest that being in this relationship is not a good idea for either of you, and if it were me, I would end it. I would also explore the issues you've described, as those are going to significantly interfere with your ability to be your best for your patients, as well as impact your ability to take care of yourself and be present in a relationship. This is also something you can start to explore here at EC, by continuing to talk about what's going on for you.

imperfect111 · May 27, 2018

Wow. Thankyou to both of you for replying. It is like I am reading my mirror and those parts of my hidden self are out which i do not wish to encounter. What ever both of you said is absolutely right and correct.

Except that i will go to any lengths to not lose him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Let me write my mind down and see if I am speak sense.
There is a personality difference and that is what made me fall in love with him.
So far this is what I have been doing for the past year. I do not know if it is enough.

We meet every single day. Or atleast 3 to 4 times a week. We are conversing on whatsapp 24/7.
I make my schedule around his. I go and study in a cafe under his building. So when he finishes work, I am there. We have lunch and dinner together. We jog/run together.
It is just now that I am isolating myself in my room to finish the studying.

I always take a holiday with him, it is almost every 2 months. Even if requires me to book a hotel in the same town because he loves to hang out in a pool, have a nice dinner and just relax.
I make sure, we do fun things every single weekend. I place my rotations of the hospital near his house so i can make sure he is ok.

For me, the above is nothing. It is not an effort. When i set my eyes on him, my heart finds peace.
The days struggles are forgotten and the brutal surgeries, exhaustion, responsibilities at home are all at the back of my mind when he touches my hand.

I dont care if I pay more or spend more money on him. It counts nothing because he loves me. He holds me at night and cuddles and says that I belive in you that you will make it far. He listens to my stories. My goals are his. My problems are his. And his are mine.

I dont know how to explain it but as you said above, he has a lot of work to do and I saw that. And i accepted that. I welcomed it with open arms.
So many days we have sat down talking about his problems, worries and family issues and trying to sort things out.

I have gone as far as telling him that if you need to study further I will sponsor you. I will pay your tuition fee. I do not want to mention this but I am just writing my heart out at the moment.
I worship the ground he walks on. I kiss the place he touches.
What has he done for me?

a LOT! He has come so far. I am his first relationship. He does not know the world of gay apps, gay scene, he does not know any of the above. So I was expecting emotional fights and possessiveness, a bit of craziness. He has also made his life to fit around mine. He understands what work i do, how demanding it is. He knows about residency training, he knows all my colleagues and characters in hospital that i vent about to him. He listens, he cares.

He has no friends and does not hang out with colleagues and If it was me, I would do the same because he works in a place where most people are selfish and not worth to be friends with. He is basically abroad from his family and lives alone. I am his family and i make sure I make him feel so. I make sure he doesnt feel alone or does not have to go through struggles of someone who is alone.

All I know, at the moment, because this is his first relationship, he does not know how to react. I should be understanding and patience.
Even though he says, he thinks i have someone, I should assure him by my actions that infact there is no one.

He was normal the year before but now he has become so possessive that even if i talk about someone he will not tolerate.

He sometimes shocks me because i would tell him that i am going to the salon lets say for a haircut and when I get out I would see him parked next to my car. Which is an amazing surprise but deep down I feel, he does not know how to tackle being alone. It is fine by me. I get to see him
But after 1 year of this, I am exausted. And these coming 5 weeks, I need someone to takecare of me. All i am asking is time. Thats all.

I am concluding that I will not study in my room now after work.
I will finish work and head to the same cafe that I used to study before.. so I am around him. Once he is settled and relaxed il calculate my next step.

I just hope I am not in a toxic relationship.
What happened to him for the past 2 months, I am not able to comprehend.

Chip · May 27, 2018

Well... having just spent the weekend watching the amazing Gabor Maté MD present a workshop to therapists on emotional issues that affect us as adults... I have a lot of thoughts that apply here.

First, in my opinion, there's no question this relationship is toxic.

Second, you are already, by virtue of how much time your schooling is taking, doing a lousy job of self-care. From what you describe, you're putting 100% into your school, and another 100% into your boyfriend. This will sound harsh, but what you are describing paints him as someone who is needy, jealous, codependent... and you are totally enabling and caretaking. Without knowing the details, I can surmise this all originates from the self-described damage from your past.

I would very, very strongly recommend that you get yourself into therapy ASAP. If you don't, your caretaking and codependency is going to really negatively impact your ability to be a good physician, and it will eventually significantly impact your own physical health. (If you have any spare time, which I suspect you don't, I'd strongly suggest reading Gabor's wonderful book "When The Body Says No").

A healthy relationship is one with balance. Neither party is dependent on the other; there is an evenness of interdependence. Your relationship isn't like this, from what you describe. You are conforming your whole life (which is already super busy) to be around him, and that's not OK. It isn't healthy for you, it's likely to have a negative effect on your education, and certainly doesn't help your own sense of self-esteem and worthiness.

It is not at all healthy that he has no friends or work buddies and relies solely on you. That's a recipe for disaster. If his work environment is as toxic as you describe, he can change it and find another one that is healthier, and he can and should develop friendships so he is not solely reliant on you for his social interaction.

However... my concern here is, from the way your previous message is written, I suspect most of my post will fall on deaf ears, and you won't actually be interested in taking the steps to help yourself (which is where my focus is; I'm not concerned about your friend, as he can and should and needs to be responsible for his own well being.) And of course, it's your choice what steps you do next. But what I feel pretty confident about is that if you continue to pursue this relationship, it is going to be fraught with inherent codependency that will either doom it, or result in an inherently dysfunctional long-term relationship that will eventually have severe costs, potentially physical as well as emotional, for you.

You're self-aware enough to know that you have wounds from your childhood. I really hope you'll take the steps to heal them, and to focus on yourself rather than putting your energy into a toxic, codependent relationship.

imperfect111 · May 28, 2018

Thankyou for your reply Chip. I really highly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
I am so paralysed at the moment.
I am completely aware of the situation and can see it from the outside and the what kind of future it holds.
The bottom line is if i am honest and dig deep in my heart. I am broken and helping someone broken to rise up was always my thing. Being busy in helping someone broken is a way i heal myself or pretend to feel good which in reality is not true.
I need to work on myself completely and with so much going on, I am on my way to disaster.

I wish someone can steer me into a right direction where my heart and mind finds peace.
If I leave him, my mind will be full of: I am a loner again, I cannot maintain a healthy relationship, I will be sad, depressed and dark.
If I stay with him, il be happy, content and able to focus with exchange of immense mental and physical effort.
The math to all of you is simple yet I am trying to find a loophole.

I took a decision last night of breaking it off after he had initiated it himself based on no proof that i am meeting someone. In all my actions, in all what i do, it is crystal clear that i am madly in love with him but he is too possessive to understand.
But i could not go on with it because of his sobbing on the phone.
He comes from a suppressed family where he was never able to explore his feelings and sexuality. May be it is all at once. May be i am blind.
And I come from a 10 year of abusive relationship with my ex. (mental, emotional, physical and neglect) -
Wow i am a mess.

Is there any thing more you can tell me which will open my mind up?

imperfect111 · Jun 1, 2018

I broke it off..
I have absolutely no idea what is coming for me in the next weeks and months
He could be better off in a relationship where someone has ample time and is emotionally available.
All i know, i gave 100% to this man, I gave my all. I did my utmost best and will never regret ever to have fought with him or if i did any sort of injustice.

He was all i had.

azzi · Jun 1, 2018

I'm sorry it had to end that way. It was toxic as you know it. Had you not end it, I'm pretty sure it will happen again. Now I want to say this though, he probably wasnt feeling secured with your love. I know you tried your best to make him not feel that way and I'm sure if only he could control his insecurities then he would have. He looks like he has a big issue with trusting people, including you. Oh yeah, you did mention that he does. I know you have a lot on your plate with regards to your work and other stuff, but sometimes just making the other person feel more secured consistently will decrease his jealousness, possessiveness, and paranoia. I'm not saying you just have to cater to his needs. He should do his part and try his best to grow up. I know you dont have that much time, but I'm giving you my 5cents anyway.

On the lighter note, now you have less stressful life. He's not all you have. Those people that you're helping, you have them too. And for sure, someone will come along still in the future. By then, you are more adjusted to your work and will probably have a partner that will be more matured.

imperfect111 · Jun 1, 2018

Thankyou Azzi for your kind words. I appreciate them.
I am paralyzed at the moment and feel brain blocked.

I very well knew he was insecure and needed constant reassurance and i always did do that for him.
He clung on to me to heal himself and I did the same.

I feel so bad for him. He just needed some one to tolerate his insecurities and to guide him and be available 24/7 for him.
And my plate is so full, i hardly get 5 hours of sleep and crappy food let alone having a normal weekend.

I really dont know how to move forward, how to carve my path.

Looking back, I did compromise my spirituality. I did compromise my character. And that was enough of a wake up call to let go.

imperfect111 · Jun 1, 2018

I do not know if any one will understand me but when I am not with him i tend to become neurotic, self harming and just not able to focus.
I got a lot done because he was around. He was my comfort zone.
I am restless, bipolar and at an edge at the moment.

I do not know what to do.

He has taken an oath to mess things up.

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He has taken an oath to mess things up.

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