How To Find A Name When You’ve Tried Everything

Idk. I'm in the same situation. Alex was always intended as a temporary, transitional name if that makes sense. I gave myself so many restrictions so that i'd be safe should i decide to come out before picking a real name, desperate to just have soemthing else to be called other than my birth name. But its been a good year or two and i still don't have a name that's mine. I like the name Theodore but i'm scared cause i got the name from a book. I told myself i wouldn't pick a 'flavor of the month' sort of name just cause it sounded cool or its a character name. My mom named both me and my brother after tv show characters. Its just...it tears me apart cause i feel like without a name that i am 110% sold on, that i don't have an identity.

 

I went from Christopher, Emmett, Peter, Grayson, James, Colin, and many more... finally to Alec.

Finding a name is a process. I went through the same steps. Kept digging and going to all the baby name sites, making lists, all of it. For two years I didn't have a settled name. It's something that every trans person goes through and there is no easy advice because everyone's path to a name is different.

First I think you need to identify what you want in a name. Is the meaning the most important? Or phonetics? Maybe both. Are there any ancestral or family aspects you want to honor? Any person (or character) you want to be named after? Do you want a name that is common or more unusual?

Once you answer those questions it will help you narrow it down. Also, if you like the name Mikey you could try exploring derivatives of that name, or similar sounding names. A few examples may be: Michael, Michal, Mike, Mark, etc. Or if you know you like a first name that starts with the letter M try combining that with the above questions to find some options.

Here is the story of how I found my name, and why I didn't go with any of the other options (it is a little bit long - but I figured it might help if you were able to read through someone else's experience and thought process)...

Spoiler

The first thing I wanted to consider was whether I'd choose a name similar to my birth name or not. That was why I opted for Christopher, or Christian, because it was essentially the male derivative of my birth name. However, I eventually decided that I wanted a completely new name that had no association to my birth name. I realized that the only reason I was considering those is because I hoped that the name would make it easier for my parents to get behind, though it became clear that they would not use my chosen name regardless. So, I decided, a new name it would be.

The second thing I considered is whether I would follow the naming pattern my parents had for their sons. My parents name all their sons a Biblical first name, and a middle name after a family member. I tried going through Biblical names: Peter, James, David, Titus, Silas, Asa, Benjamin... but I realized then also that I was forcing myself to pick a name based on what I thought my parents wanted, not on what I wanted and felt connected to. I did, personally, really like the names Peter, Asa, James, and David. So I kept those as considerations but stopped forcing myself to only consider Biblical names.

The third thing I considered is whether I would try to find out what I'd be named, had I been born male. I couldn't exactly ask my parents that... but I always knew that my mother loved the name Nathan. My grandmother also always wanted a son named Colin. I tried imagining taking those names, but it felt almost too personal to assume that is what they would have wanted for me, when they had such difficulty accepting me as trans. So I chose not to go with those either.

Fourth, I tried the novel names. Grayson and Emmett were the top of the list. I even considered Aesop or Atlas. But for me it just didn't work out - I felt no connection to the name's history and meaning. They were "cool sounding" but lacked something I couldn't quite identify. So those were laid to rest.

Last, I really tried breaking down what I was looking for. I wanted something common and understandable, something that didn't stand out too much but wasn't so common that I'd meet five other people with the same name. I wanted something that would phonetically go well with my last name. I wanted a name that meant something to me, yet wasn't so caught up in preconception (e.g. fictional characters or people who made a certain name very famous and associated with their stories). I didn't really care what letter it started with. So I just kept my ears open for ideas. I stopped stressing and obsessing about it. I told myself, the name will come, and I'll know it when I hear it.

Then I was watching the show Broadchurch one day, and the name of one of the lead characters stood out to me. Detective Alec Hardy. Then the name Alec just stood out. I looked up the meaning, and Alec is a British derivative of Alexander. The meaning is "defender of man" or simply "fighter." The name didn't have any baggage. The meaning was something I could really stand behind. The history honors my British ancestry. Phonetically it went really well with my last name. And I didn't know anyone with that name. It was a clean slate. It felt right.

Eventually I decided that I would go with a Biblical middle name in partial keeping of my family's naming tradition. I chose David after King David in the Bible (my favorite Biblical story, and he was also a musician) and maybe a little bit because of David Bowie...

So after all the searching, I'd finally found it. I was still not 100% decided, though, until I signed my coming out letter to my parents with my chosen name. That for me was the day I really became Alec.

I wish you all the best in your search for a name. Be patient and open. The name will come, and you'll know it when you find it. Keep in mind too that it take time to get used to a new name also. I've been known by my chosen name for nearly a year now, and still I sometimes have to remind myself that yes, indeed, my name is Alec. When you've been called one name for 15 or 20 odd years, it takes a while for your brain to adjust to accepting a new one for yourself. But it will happen, with time.

 

Maybe you had an imaginary friend when you were younger that kind of mirrored you but as the opposite sex?

 

I’m in the same boat, but I know I’m slowly getting closer because what I am picking is starting to slowly mimic / exist I the same areas of sounds and whatnot.. I agree though the worst part is just feeling empty for so long like you just lack an identity in general.

At first, I went by Kipp, short for Kipper, because I liked it enough but mostly just thought I had to pick something close to my birthname / with the same sound or first letter.

Next I picked Fiefer, because I liked the ending of the “r” sound on Kipper and the “i” sound as well, but I wanted it to be something completely neutral, and I wanted to be able to shorten it to something with just one syllable again, like Kipp, so I could go by Fie, because that doesn’t sound male or female. For awhile I feared Kipp might inherently be too masculine.

Now I’m considering Felix, but maybe spelled alternately so that I could still be called Fey / Fae / Fei.. because it’s similar to Fie, I like the F sound, one syllable, and still somewhat neutral but ethereal sounding, and both are a little bit more common and more well known / liked names than Fiefer. I know others opinions aren’t supposed to matter, but I’d rather just be sort of a blank slate to make myself, and how easily I’m accepted into society does matter to me, whilst still retaining some unique qualities. I find I still generally like things with a more masculine feel to them even if it will be hard for me to pass.. that’s why falling back on a neutral nickname like Fey / Fei I feel could be good for me too....

I’ve also gone by several other nicknames in the past too with those I know. It really is a struggle feeling like you don’t even know yourself or you don’t even exist sometimes.