Lesbian relationships not for the faint of heart

So ... wow! I'm experiencing the beginnings my first lesbian relationship and this weekend I discovered that when two women with strong feelings and some personal insecurities get together it can be INTENSE. My relationship is, of course, complicated by me being married and her being thousands of miles away and not wanting to date a married woman, but I'm imagining that this isn't uncommon with women who are finding real emotional connection for perhaps the first time in their lives.

I told her I was going to try to back off and get over my non-friend feelings for her and she freaked out and totally shut me out for the entire day (we normally chat online throughout the day). I spent the day in tears and having to tell myself to put one foot in front of the other and breathe just to get through my daily routine. It was horrible. I missed her so much and couldn't figure out why she reacted like she did. We finally talked late last night and I think things are OK now. It's a shitty situation. We are committed to being friends, but we also acknowledged the other feelings that we can't act on. So we're in this weird relationship-not-relationship situation and both of us have decisions to make before we can move forward.

Just venting here, I guess, since I have no one to talk to. I feel really alone sometimes with these feelings.

 

And I think I'm kind of ok with that at this point. I'm trying to just let things be what they are without labels. I'm not good at that though.

 

Sounds like you get it.

I’m not in love with my husband, but I do love him very much in a non-romantic sense. We’ve been together since high school and he’s a wonderful person and an amazing father. I’m comfortable with him. He makes me feel safe. I rely on him and for the most part I really enjoy being with him. I feel like a fool to even consider leaving my marriage. It’s a good partnership. So, I’m not sure if I want a divorce. It breaks my heart imagining a life without him. And there are children to consider. I feel a lot of guilt.

But her ... these feelings aren’t going away. They get stronger every day and I wonder if we are somehow meant to be together, if she’s what’s been missing from my life. I have strong physical desire I haven’t felt in years about her. When I’m with her I feel happy. If I could somehow know that we could be together then divorce might seem like the next step, but I’m not sure there’s a realistic way for me to be with her. I’m so torn. It’s agonizing.

 

She is single and doesn’t want to be with a married woman. That’s part of my dilemma. She’s alone and very much wants a committed relationship. It’s not fair for me to pursue her if I’m not ever going to be available. When I told my therapist that she doesn’t want to be involved with a married woman, the therapist said, “but she is.” So there’s that. Nothing physical has happened, but we are definitely emotionally attached and attracted to each other.

 

She is looking for a monogamous relationship in general. She's been alone for 20 years (realized she was gay about a year ago, so that probably has something to do with why she wasn't succeeding in male/female relationships). She has some insecurities stemming from childhood (abandonment, etc.) and wants to be someone's first choice, which I understand.

 

My husband knows I'm attracted to her and feel a connection with her and that nothing physical has happened between us. I haven't gone into detail and I don't think he understands the extent of my feelings for her. He seemed to sort of understand that the feelings came out of left field and have left me pretty confused. He doesn't want a divorce. Pulled the "how could you do that to your children" card on me fast.