When I broach the topic of our relationship with my partner, I'm not sure how much detail I should go into about the issues within our relationship, particularly with regards to my partner's behaviour towards me. Is it better to just say I feel that it's not working and that it's run it's course, or should I be try to talk about it more in depth? There are some things that my partner has done, like teaching my daughter to call me names, regular criticisms of me, etc. that I know aren't right and I would like him to acknowledge these things and the impact they've had on me. He has form for denying that things have happened or just laughing off how I feel, so I'm not sure I'd get what I wanted from the discussion anyway. If I have no interest in salvaging the relationship, is it worth initiating the discussion and risking a nasty separation? Or is it better to focus on parting ways on good terms for the sake of our daughter? And if I decide not to mention it, how do I let go of all the negative feelings I have around his behaviour? How do I stop myself turning any discussion into a game of top trumps if he starts talking about my behaviour during in our relationship? For example, I know I have been disinterested and disconnected whilst I've been questioning my sexuality. Also, I don't know whether I should be bring my sexuality into it at all. I really don't want my sexuality to become the central focus of why we'd be separating. Obviously it is a big factor, but our relationship was in a bad place before I started questioning. Again, if I don't mention all the things that have bothered me throughout our relationship, how do I become OK with it appearing that my sexuality is the sole reason we're separating? From my perspective, this is clearly not the case, but I'm aware that's it's probably going to look like I've been stringing him along for years. To be fair, I have been stringing him along for a while and using his treatment of me as my justification, but it wasn't initially done with the intension to deceive him. On the other hand, I think it'd be easier just to get it all out in the open at once. Deal with all the relationship and sexuality stuff in one go and rebuild everything from there. Why separate, let everything settle, and then upset everything again by coming out? He's not stupid, he's going to realise that I knew whilst we were still together. Or would it be easier for him to hear it at a later point? Would the separation process be smoother if the sexuality part was left out? Another thing I think about; if I don't mention the sexuality part early on, then I'm essentially keeping myself in the closet. I'd have to discuss our separation with family, friends, etc. without being entirely honest about the situation. That's not really what I want.
Why does life have to be so complicated? So a few things to think about. This is your daughter's father, right? Assuming so, I think addressing issues pertaining to her are important regardless of whether you plan to leave the relationship. He'll still be in your lives even if you separate and things like teaching your daughter to call you names are not OK. Would he go to couples counseling or mediation or anything so you have a neutral party helping you work through some of these things? You need to make sure you feel safe to bring these things up. If not, maybe it's not worth it. How does your husband feel about same-sex relationships? Is it something you think he would try to use against you if things go from bad to worse in a separation? I read some articles on divorce yesterday and one advised not revealing sexual orientation until the divorce is finalized because it can be used against you in court if the judge is biased. If you feel like that's possible with him, it might be best to withhold the information for awhile. But yes, staying in the closet with everyone if that's not what you want to do would be difficult too. There aren't any easy answers. Hope you can figure out the best way to move forward.
@SoulSearch Thanks for your reply. Yes, he's her father. I'm not sure whether he'd consider couples counselling. He's just about to start his own therapy, but that's primarily about work stuff. It's not something I'd want to discuss when we're alone. Before now I've pulled him up on something parenting related and go an "How dare you...?" response. He's quite fixed on his parenting approach and can get defensive. He's generally accepting, but will make homophobic jokes occasionally. I'm not sure he'd use it against me, but it would probably be his response for everything, so discussing any other issues would be a non-starter, and to him, it would effectively excuse everything that he's done. In the past, he has indicated that find out your partner is gay would be worse than them having an affair with a member of the opposite sex. We're not married, so I wasn't envisioning a formal process, but I think it would be easier if my sexuality were left out of it.
Do you think separation would, in itself, allow you to move on? Is it possible that his physical presence serves as a constant reminder of all of the negative behaviours and feelings and simply removing yourself from all of that would make a difference? He's likely to ask for an explanation and you could just say there is a big distance between the two of you on a physical and emotional level and you know it can't be reconciled. Although vague, it is an accurate summary of where things are and you can use it as a holding statement while you part and go your separate ways. This is often the best thing to do as it avoids lots of nastiness and a slanging match during the break up, with children caught up in the middle. It says what is wrong, albeit in a basic and non-descriptive way, and provides time to leave the relationship and work out if you actually need to say more. If you do find it necessary to address the specifics, you can contact him later to provide a fuller explanation, which may include mentioning your sexuality. What do you think?
Thanks, @PatrickUK. Yes, this thought has crossed my mind. It's little thins he does every day that keep bringing all the negative feelings back up. If I weren't in that environment, I probably would care a lot less. That sounds great to me! I really do want to avoid a slanging match and the temptation to be drawn into one. Thanks for this @PatrickUK.
Maybe I am naive but it is my understanding that being gay cannot be used against you in a court of law in the UK. The judge is only allowed to consider whether you are fit to parent a child.
Thanks. I honestly have no idea. I can't imagine they'd be able to use it against you when considering the custody of children. But outside of that, there is an element of dishonesty and misleading the other partner. We're not married, so there won't be a divorce process anyway, i.e. no martial assets to split up or anything. I really need to do research on all of this stuff.
These are all very valid questions, I think it is a really good sign that you have a clear picture of the situation, grasp so to speak. I find myself asking similar questions sometimes, although my husband treats me alright nowadays. It is clear that you want separation. I think this is tough on its own. What may make it worse is probably all the detail in my opinion. Maybe prioritizing what to say now and what to say much later (if at all) can help make this easier. If you want to work things out, then talking is important. It is terrible that your partner is disrespecting you in front of your daughter. This part I would address asap.. Hugs
I'm in the U.S. I don't think it's legal to discriminate, but from what I've read it happens sometimes, legal or not. I'm assuming the same kind of thing could happen in either country.
I cant say anything about the issue with your daughter as I am not a parent but with regards to revealing your sexual orientation, yeah you have to be careful. When I was going through my divorce I was kind of being careful not to anger the other party and leaving my being bi out of the issue as I dont want any complications. Retaliation from any conflict could lead to complicated stuff that can be used against you.
this is so tough, i can feel the hardship in your story and send out big hugs to you! i think you may remember reading through some of my relationship turmoil and know where we relate. i am so sorry to know that we share these struggles and wish the best to you!
