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Leaving him for her?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SoulSearch, May 25, 2018.

  1. SoulSearch

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    I'm kind of at rock bottom today. I told my husband a few weeks ago that I'm gay. He was supportive and for the last weeks he hasn't said a thing about it. The only change in our routine was that he hasn't initiated sex (which isn't that much of a change).

    In the meantime, things have progressed with a woman who I've been attracted to for several months. I didn't think she was interested in me as more than a friend. We've had a very intimate friendship since we met late last year and we flirt occasionally and have a lot of fun together when we get to see each other in person (we don't live in the same state). We spent a night together last week. We both respected physically boundaries, so nothing happened except hugging, but I got to sleep next to her and wake up with her and it was lovely. Since then I've found out she has feelings for me too.

    And back to the husband ... I'm trying really hard not to consider her in my decisions about my marriage, but the fact is that I do. Being more than friends isn't an option while I'm married, and I think I'm in love with her. It's messy and complicated and exhilarating. I have young children to think about. I brought up being gay with my husband again yesterday. Again, he didn't seem like he cared, so I pushed the envelope and mentioned possibly living apart. Well, that got his attention. He was shocked. Sad. Angry. He asked me how I could do this to my children. He said he couldn't believe I'd even think of that. I feel so much guilt over all of this. I've been in therapy and working on shame and guilt and felt like I was making progress. But all of it came flooding back in two minutes with his words. Later, we were able to talk more rationally. He guessed about the woman and I told him that we're attracted to each other, but nothing has happened. He thinks she's appealing because we've only spent time together on vacation, but not in an everyday-life situation. I don't think that's the case, as we chat online for hours every day. I know her heart and she knows mine. There are so many reasons why a relationship may not work. I know it wouldn't be easy. Strangely, he's not upset about me having feelings for her. He's OK with me seeing her and doing what I want with her (she is not ok with it while I'm married.). He's not OK with me leaving him and our kids.

    My heart feels shattered. I feel like I can't leave my marriage, but I feel like I can't stay either. I don't know what to do, how to move forward from here. I've never experienced emotional pain like this. I love him as a friend. We've been together for more than 20 years. I love her and I wonder if she's the one I've been searching for all these years. I don't know what to do. I want to live two lives, but I have to make a choice eventually. I'm scared out of my mind.

    Has anyone left a long-term marriage for a chance at love with a new same-sex interest? Thoughts?
     
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  2. LostInDaydreams

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    I think all of this is understandable. You don't really want to be in a scenario where you're leaving for a particular woman as that puts a lot of pressure on her and your relationship with her. At the same time, given the way you're feeling right now, I can see that it's going hard, impossible even, not to factor her in. I think the question you need to consider is, if she weren't in the picture, would you would be feeling any differently about your marriage? Ultimately, are you going to separate anyway? Would you be happy single? I think there's a difference between her being the final push you needed to take action, and her being the sole reason you're leaving. Only you can know which it is. You just need to be sure that you'd comfortable with your decision and life, if the new relationship wasn't to work out.

    Do you know why this is? Has he not fully accepted it? Perhaps he thinks it's a phase will go away eventually or is he just burying his head in the sand. In the long term (and potentially short term), I can't imagine that it would be a good environment for your children. It would be easy for resent to grow if either of you felt that was your primary reason for staying together.

    What do you want? If you really want to leave then he can't hold you. Just make sure you're leaving for yourself.

    He seems so unconcerned by your feelings for this woman. To me, it seems like he's not taking it seriously. Like he doesn't actually see her as a threat and that if you actually attempted a relationship with her, you'd change your mind about dating women. How do you feel about his reaction?

    In the nicest possible way, if he's set very against you leaving him, then that's really his issue to deal with and only he can know what that issue is. There could be any number of other reasons why your marriage didn't work out and he'd have to deal with it then. You need to decide what's right for you. And you wouldn't be leaving your children, would you? You just be parenting them together in a different way.

    I've never had a particular woman in mind, but I know that feeling.

    You need to think about what you want your future to look like and then discuss this with your husband. If you don't want to stay, he can't keep you in the relationship. Ideally you and your husband would be able to have a conversation about what living separately might look like, but it seems it's going to take some pushing from you to get there. Have you had couples counselling?
     
  3. normalwolverine

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    I'll tell you this--it's going to be nearly impossible to be married to him and actively be a lesbian, because no self-respecting woman would mess with a woman who is still married...especially if that woman has kids.

    I think your husband is reacting the way he is because he, like a lot of people, doesn't fully "get" the concept of being gay/les. If you're gay/les, you can't just ignore it and carry on, and that's what he expects you to do (at least out in the open) and would be perfectly fine with. Even if it weren't this other woman, there would be something else that would pull at you, i.e. you'd want to do things lesbians do. It will always be like that. A lot of straight people understand without the language to articulate it that if you're in a heterosexual marriage with children, you're in a place of privilege in society. So...they can't understand why you'd want to give that up and make life "hard" for yourself. They think that if you can ignore being gay/les and live openly as a straight person does, then that's what you'd rather do or should rather do. I do understand his thinking that you'd want to put your children first, though, but not everyone agrees on what that means.

    I also think his argument about your not really knowing what it's like to be in a relationship with her day-to-day is at least partially about "you're privileged being with me, and you could be ruining that," i.e. you're not having to deal with the struggles of being in an openly lesbian relationship. I do have to agree with him, though, that you don't know what being with her would be like.

    It's a tough, confusing situation, and you have a lot of factors to think about. But I definitely wanted to emphasize that first sentence I wrote about being with him largely closing the door on being with women, because you have to think about whether or not you can truly live with that (or find seedy couples who are basically only married for appearances or are swingers or whatever and allow gay/les cheating).
     
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  4. sparki

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    Reading your post totally triggered a flood of emotion from within me. Sniff sniff okay I have pulled myself back together after that cathartic release. I forget how deep that need and desire is. This will be a most difficult time for you and your family. Remember kids love their moms. Please continue to reach out and stock up on Kleenex.
     
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  5. Mayte117

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    Lostindaydreams gave a perfect reply. There are some good questions in that post for you to consider. You have to consider everyone who can be affected by your decision. In all the ways, the good and the bad. That includes her too, but that doesn’t mean that considering what it would be like to be with her makes her the entire focus of your decision. Also, it’s not a bad thing to have a motivation giving you more courage to come out to your husband or to challenge your life with some changes. Even if that motivation happens to be her. Do not feel guilty. Be fair with yourself. You have made some progress and are very courageous by coming out to your husband. While some of us are still trying to figure out how to tell the one we like that we like them! Even when you’re at rock bottom, remain confident in yourself. Even if you don’t know how to move on here, you’ll figure it out. It seems you have the right support here and out there.
     
  6. Lilbird

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    My heart goes out to you SoulSearch. I am in a very similar situation. I’m a little further along in my journey, but to be honest, the emotional pain is still just as present. Initially, I was very caught up in the surge of exciting emotions that came along with acknowledging same-sex attractions. With that said, I was aware I wasn’t in the best mindset to make life changes decisions, so I stayed in a state of limbo for a long time while trying to figure things out. I so badly wanted to have it all without hurting anyone. Unfortunately, when other people are involved, it’s inevitable that people will get hurt. I’m going through a divorce and I miss my husband and my old life terribly. I miss our home, our neighbors, our routine, our mutual friends, and even the in-laws. I also miss the privilege of being married to a man. I still don’t know whether to label myself as bisexual or lesbian, but I do know that living as a lesbian is more tough than living as a straight woman. I don’t know if this is just an adjustment phase that will pass, or if this is my new reality. I don’t have much advice for you, as only you know what is best in your heart.

    I do agree with the previous posters about examining the state of your relationship prior to meeting this woman. Did it feel like something was missing? Did you always know that you were gay, or was this a new discovery after meeting her? When I started to come to terms with my same sex attractions, I wondered if I was gay all along but kept it repressed. As I’ve tried to come to terms with things, I have learned that women’s sexuality can be fluid over time. Looking back, I wish I could have found more ways to explore my newly acknowledged sexuality in the context of my marriage. My husband was rather open-minded about it all. I don’t know, I may have still arrived at the same place. Those initial emotions pulling me elsewhere were strong. I do know how tough this can be - feel free to reach out for support
     
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  7. SoulSearch

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    I'm not sure. It's been a long time since I've felt anything other than friendship for my husband. Realizing I'm gay wasn't a big revelation to me. I don't feel gay, but I've always enjoyed looking at women, watched women in movie sex scenes, had crushes on female friends, etc. Meeting her did inspire me to examine myself more completely. Whether I'd be thinking about separation? I don't know. I have, on and off, over the years, but never this seriously. And would I be happy alone? Yes, I think I could be, but I've never been alone, so it's hard to say. I worry about being alone with children because my husband is probably the primary caretaker (we're at least pretty even). I'm scared I can't raise my kids alone.

    I've thought about that too. Have you heard Marika Hackman's song "Boyfriend"? "It's fine 'cause I am just a girl. It doesn't count. He knows a woman needs a man to make her shout." (It's a great song - cynical and amusing. But I digress ...) And the reaction is odd.


    No, I'm in therapy on my own. He isn't interested in going. If he thought it could save our marriage he'd probably go. Or if we decide to split, he might go to get some advice on how to handle things with the kids.

    Thanks for helping me think this through. I feel so lost and my emotions flip flop about every four minutes.
     
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  8. SoulSearch

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    Thanks. I've been struggling with having to hide what I'm going through with my local friends. We live in a very small town and all of our friends are tangled up, so if one person knows, everyone will. I find myself withdrawing from people because I feel like I'm lying to everyone. I don't think I can continue to live like that in a healthy way. It's kind of what got me to this place. I compartmentalize my life until things start to break.

    And no, I don't know what everyday life would be like with her. In a lot of ways, we aren't very compatible and I do worry about that. Our hearts and beliefs fit together, but our lifestyles may not. I'd have to be careful about not rushing into things with her. I want to be able to take things slow and spend more time with her, but I don't know if I can maintain a friendship-only with her and find out what I want to know. I'm not likely to see her again until fall, so I guess I have time to think it through.
     
  9. SoulSearch

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    I have felt like something was missing for as long as I can remember. I tried to fill that hole with God for years, then with men outside of my marriage, then back to God, and now this. I honestly don't know if the problem is that I was repressing my sexuality. My religious upbringing is deeply ingrained and I didn't grow up in a community with any LGBTQ people. I never even considered that there was a path other than getting married to a man. I've never had a satisfactory sex life with him. It's been OK, at best, and the last 10 years, a chore. I've always liked to look at women and had crushes on friends and been turned on by women in sex scenes. And then she came along and I fell hard and fast.
     
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  10. LostInDaydreams

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    You're not alone in this. I'm the primary caregiver to my daughter and the idea of being alone scares me. I've never lived alone. I commuted from my parents house to university, so haven't even experienced living in a student house. My partner and I live a fairly comfortable life, so I've never needed to budget with shopping. It'll be a total change in lifestyle. But in reality, you'll cope because you'll have to. That's just how it is when looking after children. Something else takes over and you'll do what you have to do. And you'll probably be happier, so they'll be happier too.

    I'm glad my message was in any way helpful. Keep posting on here. It'll help you clarify your thoughts and process them.