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She’s driving me insane

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mayte117, May 19, 2018.

  1. Mayte117

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    Hey readers,

    I’m hoping someone reading this can understand what this feels like. You see there is woman older than me. She’s 34 and has been married for 8 years. She has two kids ( 7 year old girl and a 4 year old boy). At the age of 5 she started to dress like a boy and developing crushes on the girls. Then had her first girlfriend when she was like 16. Her mother always rejected her sexuality.


    So at the age of 19 she broke up with her girlfriend and decided she needed to grow up and accept reality. She joined the church and Christianity to rid of her desires. She dated two men and married one of them when she was about 25. She did not love him or felt sexually attracted to him, but really wanted to have kids and a husband and normal life.


    Of course neither the church, nor the couple therapy she attended to at church, managed to rid of how she felt and who she is. Now she’s met me (well 7 months ago anyways). I’m younger, spiritual but not religious, not very traditional, and more confident in my sexuality.
    She said I’ve given her something no one else ever has, acceptance.


    She’s changed. She’s back to dressing more masculine the way she always felt more comfortable. Her husband doesn’t approve. Of course, she’s still working on her marriage and is in therapy. She says it’s for the kids. She says she likes me and misses seeing me every week. She said she thinks about what it would be like to have sex with me, or kiss me, while she’s with her husband. She said that’s the only time she enjoys sex with him.


    She asked me if I felt anything for her. I rejected her. Lied to her. I told her i’ve only thought of her as a friend and that it makes me uncomfortable for her to ask me to think of her in any other way. But I think about her every freaking day. I know this would never work out. She said she knows she wouldn’t be able to make me happy and that she has nothing to offer me. I know that she’s never gonna leave him. I just wish.....I had met her before she met him.
     
  2. sparki

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    Tragic for sure. So sorry to hear that. It is difficult when you really connect with someone who is unattainable. I don’t blame you for lying to protect yourself. Wouldn’t it be freeing to be able to say how you truly feel and that you have to keep the relationship at friend level for both of you. It would scare the hell out of me to say it. I am so tired of being afraid. I want to know where I stand and have open and honest conversations with those I am closest to. I am getting better at it.
     
  3. Mayte117

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    Thanks for replying. Yes, it would be freeing. Sometimes I want to tell her because she has been very honest with me, but I don’t want to complicate things for her. She still has decisions to make in her life and a long journey ahead of her.
     
  4. MzMrAlexa

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    I'm sorry both of you are in the situations you are.. It's tough and the only thing I can say is to view it through the lens of your spirituality and use that as a guide. Our desires and our thoughts can often lead us down the wrong path, and sometimes so can religious or spiritual beliefs.

    Just speaking for myself, when I run into situations like what you are now in I first remind myself that everything happens for a reason and that sometime we can see the reason and sometimes we will never know. Also it can be about you, the other party, both or even something no one sees coming..then I reflect trying to not look at the situation through my wants and desires, but on a spiritual level and more often than not what I need to do becomes clear.

    Reading your post it sounds to me like you should tell her how you feel on everything including how you feel the chips would fall.. She appears to be trying to deny herself and you may be here at this time to assist her in her journey, be it at just this point, or in the long term, but only you and her can work that out.

    Years ago I was married when I started really finding out who I was.. It was horrific with my ex manipulating me while having affairs and all kinds of other things.. I kept going and did a lot of things that went against my values because I didn't want my children to be from a "broken home".

    In the end I took my kids and ended the marriage. And what I found was that my kids flourished and that a "broken home" has nothing to do with having a Mom and Dad, but everything to do with having love and stability.

    I guess my point is that though it may seem like not being open and honest with her about your feelings is the right thing to do and protecting her, perhaps it is exactly not what is supposed to be.

    I hope no matter what happens it is for the greatest good for all involved.
     
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  5. SoulSearch

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    I'm in a similar position to your friend's. I met a woman last year who I developed a friendship with and now am sexually attracted to. She's single and more secure in her sexuality. I'm in a 20-year-marriage with children and recently came out to my husband. He was accepting and is supportive, but we are still married and I'm not sure I can leave him right now. My friend is not interested in a married woman. Period. She has admitted that she is attracted to me too, but that's as far as it goes with her. She's drawn a hard line there.

    I'm miserable. I can't stop thinking about her. I want to be with her and not with my husband. But I have to think about my children. I'm honestly not sure if things would change if she returned my feelings. It might inspire me to move out of the place where I'm stuck, or I might continue to be paralyzed. I feel like it's unfair for me to leave my marriage for her - that puts a lot of pressure on her. I have to be in a place where I leave for me.

    Is your friend seeing a therapist? That's helping me. I guess my advice is to continue being her friend and to know what your boundaries are and make them clear. If you're strong enough to maintain your boundaries, I'm not sure it's a bad thing to let her know you are interested, but just be clear with her what your position is and stick to it.

    Also realize that the religious stuff can be deeply embedded. My religious shame is deeply ingrained in me. I'm working through it, but it's something that is going to linger. That shit is powerful.

    Hope you figure out the best thing to do. It's hard having feelings for someone and not being able to express or show them.
     
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  6. Jakebusman

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    She still has thing to figure out on her end but have you told her anything does she know your bi ?
     
  7. Mayte117

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    MzMrAlexa,

    I like what you said about not focusing on my wants and desires. I'm still unclear about what I need to do. It's hard to choose what's best. Sometimes I just want to play it safe.

    I'm happy you made a good choice in your life. Sometimes things turn out better than we initially imagined. That's why sometimes it makes
    no sense to try to predict an outcome. Maybe I'll just take a risk.

    Thank you.
     
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  8. Mayte117

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    Soulsearch,

    Your situation does sound a bit like hers. I think you mentioned something very important. I hope that if my friend decides to leave she
    does it for herself too and not anybody else. I don't want to have any influence on it.

    Yes she is seeing a therapist and hoping her husband can go into a session with her. I am maintaining my boundaries. Just to make sure
    she isn't just trying to sleep with a woman while keeping her marriage.
    Thank you. I hope the best for you also.
     
  9. Mayte117

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    Hi jakebusman,

    She does know i'm bisexual. She told me about her history with women soon after I met her.
    I wasn't able to tell her until 3 months later and I only did it because she was mentioning negative things about bisexual people and I had to ask her if she saw me that way too. I prefer to let people get to know me before the label. She said she liked me before she knew.
     
  10. silverhalo

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    Hey this is a tough one, I'm sorry you are in this situation. Most of me is saying tell her but I totally get why you didn't and you are right as is everyone else, if she is going to leave her husband it should be because she wants to regardless of whether you like her or not. On the same note I can see why you feel you want to be honest with her. I think if you do decide to tell her you have to ensure you have some very strict ground rules and not let them slide.
     
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  11. SoulSearch

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    So ... if you need more input from my situation ... my friend and I had a conversation this morning and she told me returns some of the feelings I have toward her. We've laid our cards face up on the table and it feels scary and strange, but good to me. Freeing. We both know we can't be together right now, but I feel like there's a sliver of hope for the future once both of us figure some things out independent of each other. It may be easier for us to maintain boundaries because we're currently living thousands of miles apart, so there's no physical temptation. At the moment, I feel less desperate and like we can support each other as friends as long as we're clear with each other that we can't go beyond that right now. Not sure that helps you, but there it is. :slight_smile:
     
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  12. sparki

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    So glad you were able to express that and you know where you stand. Internalizing, in my experience, magnifies the emotion and causes the mind to whirl with scenarios and possibilities. Way to be brave!
     
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  13. Mayte117

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    I’ll definitely be clear on that when I am ready to tell her. Although, I think it won’t be new to her. We already had a conversation in which I expressed how important I feel it would be for her to resolve her situation before involving a third person. This was in reference to someone else, but I think she understands.
     
  14. Mayte117

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    That’s great! I really hope I can have this type of conversation with her one day. Also, I want to fast forward to the part of your life where you figure it all out because I think the end result is going to be positive. Oh I understand the part about the distance. She lives almost 2 hours away from me. We used to see each other more often because I was doing my internship close to where she lives. Now it’s harder since I don’t travel there 3 times a week. She came to see me yesterday and we hadn’t seen each other since April 10. That’s why I was worried about what would happen when we finally saw each other, but nothing more than a greeting hug and a parting hug. She has good boundaries too :slight_smile:. Glad you have her support and friendship.
     
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